Post # 1
A few months ago, it became obvious that my family wouldn’t be attending my wedding (long story short: my parents are dead and my surviving extended family is crazy and became all offended that I am having my wedding in a different state than where they live even though I no longer live by them). Happily, a few friends did say they wanted to be there. I told this one friend how much it meant to me that he was attending. We’ve been talking about his travel plans. He booked his ticket on the train.
Yesterday, he wrote me to say that he would need someone to drive him around town while he is here for the wedding. I wrote back saying “Ok, my FI’s sister can pick you up”.
Today, just a FEW DAYS before my wedding, he sends me a message saying that he has changed his train tickets to visit family instead of come to the wedding because he was worried that it would be too inconvenient for him to rely on other people to transport him at the wedding. I am really upset that he is backing out of the wedding so suddenly and did this without even telling me he was thinking of it. Am I a bad person for being upset about this? I have to admit that I told him exactly how I felt: “To be honest with you it’s very upsetting that I got my hopes up you’d be there and now you’re backing out”. I think with all the last minute stress, I just don’t have it in me to act like “oh no, that’s totally fine” like I did when my family bailed on me.
Post # 3
@saffy: I definitely don’t think that you’re a bad person. Your feelings got hurt because it seems like your friend ditched you at the last minute – that’s completely normal! It seems as if he is letting an inconvenience stop him from attending your wedding, that is different than having something important come up like a family emergency or job situation.
I know its hard, and you did the right thing by being honest with him. However, when the wedding craziness is over (and stress levels are down) maybe you guys can have a talk and not let one incident ruin the friendship. I know I’m human just like everyone else, and I can’t give perfect advice, but you should allow yourself to be upset and then move on and maybe try to reconnect when things calm down.
Post # 4
I understand being upset, you were looking forward to his presence, and it’s normal to be hurt when you’re disappointed.
However, from his perspective (and projecting some of my issues on him) I can understand how he may not feel comfortable needing to rely on a stranger for his transportation. That would make me feel like I was a huge imposition and I might be tempted to (or actually) back out as well.
Post # 5
Aww, that sucks. If he was uncomfortable with any of the plans you guys made, he should have spoken up. Who knows why he did this. You might get the rest of the story after the wedding. Sometimes people can be good friends but totally inconsiderate guests. Seriously though, if he cared about your friendship it’s on him to suck it up and survive being exposed to strangers (your FI’s sister) for a bit. Sorry hon 🙁
Post # 6
man that sucks. it sucks more when the people who you felt are close to you decide to back out at the last minute especially when they rsvp’d for 6 seats and each seat cost you at least $250.
if he didn’t want to rely on others for a a ride, then he should have considered renting a car.
Post # 7
I read this because I just found out one of my bridesmaids can’t make it. Her circumstances are a little different, but I understand you being upset & just wanted you to know you’re not alone!
I do understand his end, that he probably thinks you have so much going on that he doesn’t want to burden you, but it still stinks for you. It means a lot to have the people who love you there and to know that they made an effort. I also think there are some people who don’t quite understand why it’s hard when someone cancels last minute like that. I see nothing wrong with you letting him know why you want him there so badly. Good luck!
Post # 8
Well, you have your answer – he’s not such a good pal anymore.
I’m sorry, but he had a few months to think about this (from what you seem to be saying in your original post).
Unless there’s more to this story (i.e., he thought he’d have the money to rent a car/get a cab and for some reason, things went bust and he didn’t), this is basic stuff that you think about when you know you need to travel somewhere. He should have brought it up months ago and bailed THEN. You do not bring it up the week of the wedding, then go, “Well, that’s not good enough.”
Who did he expect to cart him around? Did he think it would be you? If he needed a ride and would only accept one from certain people, he should have said, “Hey, can so-and-so drive me around while I’m there?”
It’s complete garbage that he just went and changed things without conferring with you again. Again, simple communication here: “Can someone else drive me? Do you know of any cheap cab companies?” I mean – how many places does the guy really need to go? How long was he really planning to stay in town?
Sounds to me like family wanted to visit, he didn’t want to make two trips, and just decided he had a convenient trip.
There’s being understanding…and then there’s being a doormat. The guy made missteps several times. Unless there’s more to this story, I don’t see much to lend him any slack. Many, many years of dealing with many, many people like this has taught me to be far less forgiving.
Post # 9
Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s really rude of him to back out that late. I don’t think you’re a bad person for being upset at all! I would probably have reacted exactly the same way.