- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2016
I am a certified fence sitter when it comes to whether or not I want kids of my own. I am in my 30’s and quite frankly I think about it all the time (especially after yesterday, when at my annual, my OB-GYN showed me a chart of fertility declining with age, hooray!)
Relationship wise, now wouldn’t be the time to bring a child into the picture, so I know it isn’t going to happen in the immediate future… which gives me some relief because more than anything, I am petrified of pregnancy/childbirth. I know undoubtedly that is the main reason I never knew for sure if I wanted kids.
I have pretty bad anxiety, which causes insomnia and at its worse… near constant worries about everything. I control it better in my 30’s than I did in my 20’s, but I control it with medication. My OB said sometimes women can take certain medications in pregnancy if benefits outweigh the risks. I don’t know how I would feel about that, but I am also not sure I would have much of a choice. Basically, I am afraid if I ever decided to get pregnant, that I would be a train wreck of nerves and my only option would be to medicate (and worry about how the medication is affecting my unborn – the whole time).
Then… the birth. I am a hipless, boyish size zero, so I cannot fathom anything fitting through my… um… canal. I have a low pain threshhold and get dizzy and practically faint at the sight of any medical procedure. I actually wonder sometimes if I could LIVE through it (this is how extreme and pessimistic I can be).
I think I would be a fantastic mom to an OLDER kid. I love kids. When my future stepdaughter comes over I always plan a fun craft for us to do, or an outing to the park. I thoroughly enjoy watching her learn. It is just with a child of my own… I simply don’t know if I would be able to endure (and remain sane) the pregnancy, birth, recovery and insomnia afterwards. My Fiance shuts his eyes and drifts to sleep in 1.5 seconds. I toss and turn for an hour minimum. I can’t imagine trying to “shut off” my mind, with a brand new baby in the house.
Moms – did any of you feel at all like I did? Is it as scary as some of my friends made it sound? I have heard some horror stories. Then again, I have also heard some women say it was truly not a big deal. One of my friends made it sound like a trip to the park.
My boss is out of town and I would love to read some of your stories on this lovely Friday. Scare me, ease my mind, it’s all good.