One set of parents expects (and gets) a lot more visits than in-laws?

posted 6 months ago in Travel
Post # 2
Member
3382 posts
Sugar bee

You are spending almost a third of your weekends with your respective parents (and most of those out of town) – that is insane. You need to set boundaries with your parents for the sake of your marriage.

Post # 3
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

this is all just too much, 5-7 hours of driving to see his parents & 3-4 to see yours is just SO much. I’m exhausted for you & your husband.

 

I would be going for father day, that is something I wouldn’t miss, but from that date forwards I would be trying to literally scedule in the times you visit, one set of parents each month, thats still seeing each parent 6 times a year, which would fit in with what is reasonably compared to what you’re doing right now, even scale it back further! That leaves you 3-ish weekends a month for the two of you, with an opportunity for them to travel to you in any weekends you have free.

I don’t think you need to see his parents more, just cut down your time spend with your parents. Take time for each other, that is VERY important now, your husband has gone out of his way to mention something, take it seriously.

Post # 4
Member
3382 posts
Sugar bee

That is still too much – 12 weekends is nearly a quarter of their weekends. Add in parent vsits to the OP’s home and they are back up near a third. 

Post # 5
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

52 weekends in a year, 12 over the year would leave them 40 weekends to plan as they please, IMO it sounds like she doesn’t want to cut it down, as she will miss them.

 

I see both my parents more than 6 times each a year, that to me is not too much, but everyone is different. The travel (which I have never had to do) could be a major influencer, but I don’t have enough knowledge to have an opinion on that.

Post # 6
Member
3382 posts
Sugar bee

But her husband has a problem with +/- 17 visits (of which 11 were visiting the parents at their homes) so your suggestion doesn’t work for him. And the travel is exhausting.

Post # 7
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

zl27 :  I guess I feel compromise is key, less visits but not 0 visits. He shouldn’t be made to travel for all his weekends, but if OP wants a few weekends with her parents & he wants to go with her, she shouldn’t have to give that up. They will just have to find a middle ground, which fits their needs and how much THEY want to see their respective parents.

my opinion cut it down significantly compared to what is current/up coming. & I still said there was room to scale it down further!! It looks like they have more trips planed over the next few months that would equal to the whole of last years visits, that is too much. Travel would suck, I don’t disagree.

ah well, see what OP thinks I guess! 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
6770 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You can tell your parents you have plans and you’re not available, you don’t have to tell them your plans are spending the weekend in bed with your husband. 

Post # 9
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I adore my parents and this would be too much for me or my SO.

“We just want a weekend to do errands at home” is a perfectly fine answer. In fact, no justification at all is perfectly fine. You’re adults and you can design your own schedule. I highly recommend doing more weekends with just the two of you. Visiting respective parents is never tit-for-tat and shouldn’t be counted as such, but it sounds like y’all could really use some couple time.

Post # 10
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

minamesephy :  There’s no need for your parents to turn against your hubby. It has to be you that learns to say, “No, we can’t make it this weekend.” Your parents can learn to combine one visit for Mothers Day and Fathers Day; one visit for Christmas and Thanksgiving, etc. If you have a hard time turning them down, can you visit on your own, and give hubby a break? His speaking up shouldn’t fall on deaf ears. 

Post # 11
Member
4570 posts
Honey bee

1.  “No” is a complete sentence.

2.  You don’t have to have any reason other than you simply don’t want to.  It doesn’t matter if they don’t think it’s a good reason.  It’s not their life.  Not their marriage.

3.  It also doesn’t matter if they think your reasons are “unfair”.  They are old enough to have learned that life isn’t fair by now.

4.  Do you really think that their claim that it’s unfair because you don’t have kids is really going to change once you do have kids?  It’s just going to be the new reason why it’s unfair.  It’s going to be unfair that you don’t bring the kids more often to see them because grandkids should see their grandparents.  And it’s going to be unfair if they don’t get to spend every holiday with the grandkids, feelings of the other set of grandparents be damned or your desire to celebrate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day for just you and your husband and your kids.

Come to a mutually agreeable arrangement with your husband.  Learn to set boundaries with your parents.  Condition yourself to be okay with getting some pushback when you say the word “No”.  If you are planning on having kids, you’re going to need to get used to it.  Might as well practice on your parents.

Post # 12
Member
8866 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

minamesephy :  You don’t need to spend more time with his parents, you need to spend less time with yours. It’s perfectly valid to want to spend some — even most — weekends relaxing at home. Is that 3-4 hour drive one way? If so, that schedule is crazy. Like, totally nuts. You need to decide as a couple which holidays you want to spend where, and then schedule other visits around that. There’s no reason you need to make an 8 hour round trip for every single birthday. You could make some of the holiday trips do double-duty, or you could have a big quarterly party for all the birthdays that quarter. You need to learn to say no, and your parents need to know that it’s YOU saying no, not “welllllll, Trevor doesn’t want to see you guys this weekend so….” The sooner you start, the better. They won’t like it but they will get used to it. 

Post # 13
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Do you video chat your parents? You could spend more time connecting with them that way. You could also do a combination of cutting back on the number of weekends you are spending with in laws and also have weekends here and there where you do go visit them on your own. It’s not ideal but the expectation that you either stop visiting (when you clearly enjoy them, too) or that your husband has to get dragged along every time are two extremes that aren’t good solutions for this situation.

As others have said, this is something you need to address with your folks and without giving your parents any indication that your husband has requested more at home time.

If it was him here telling us his side of this story, we’d be telling him, “You don’t have an in-law problem. You have a wife problem.”

Post # 14
Member
2611 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I agree that everything you posted sounds a bit much. I think it’s fair to just say “we need to relax this weekend.” Everyone needs to recharge their batteries. As a semi newlywed, homeowner, and a business professional, I can say that alone gives you reason to be tired. You don’t need the excuse of kids. And honestly, even if you didn’t work and had a ton of free time, you still have the right to say no! 

My husband also sees my family more. My parents are over 25 hr drive so we have to fly. I see them about 4 times a year flying. They usually visit at least once a year. My husband probably visits them once a year and then sees my parents when they come to us. The solution for us is that he doesn’t come with me every time to visit them. He’d rather have a weekend alone with him and the pets 🙂 

And it sounds like your husband is similar in that he doesn’t need to see his family all the time. My in laws are about a 6 hour drive and we usually just wait until they visit us which can be once or twice a year. I wouldn’t worry about it being “fair” or “equal” if your husband doesn’t mind not seeing them as much. 

Post # 15
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

There is nothing wrong with visiting parents regularly (I say as someone who goes to my parents every Sunday for dinner, and sees my in laws – 2.5h drive – at least a couple times a month, we probably average going there once a month and they come here 1-2x), but you need to support your husband to your family. It sounds like the issue isn’t needing to see his family more, if they are both happy, but that you need to see yours less. I like visiting, but it’s a little exhausting to drive, stay somewhere else, etc. Your husband is telling you he needs more time off, which I totally get, and you should be supporting that. 

As other posters have mentioned, having children will just make the expectations higher. Both our families are pretty good, but they are sad if they miss a chance to see their grandson. Travelling that often with kids won’t be very fun, so it’s better to ease back on visits now so that it’s normal, if you do plan to have kids at some point. 

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