(Closed) One thing after another. A bride in crisis :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?

    Still plan a big wedding despite family issues

    Have an intimate ceremony and dinner with exactly who you want there

  • Post # 2
    Member
    1565 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling at a time when you should be happily planning your wedding! For different reasons than yours (money in our case), we had to give up the dream of a big wedding with family and friends. Since then we’ve downsized things twice, initially to a smaller family and select friends wedding, but once we realized that was still more money than we could stomach, it’s become a small wedding planned with 12-15 of our closest family and friends followed by dinner at a restaurant. It took me a few days to get over the sadness of giving up the “real” wedding dream but now I’m so relieved to be planning a relatively stress-free event and saving money to boot. I’m choosing to focus on the positive aspects of it: more money for a honeymoon or anniversary trip, more one-on-one time with our guests, no pressure to go all out with food, decor, flowers, etc. Basically by casting aside the traditional wedding plans, we’re able to sculpt a wedding that suits us perfectly by picking and choosing which elements we want to include. I know we’re still going to have a blast and at the end of the day we’ll be married, which is really the whole point of this thing. I hope you’re able to come up with a plan that makes you happy.

    Post # 3
    Member
    9541 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’d go with the small wedding and nice dinner for your nearest and dearest. If you told people a date to save, then you need to let them know that those plans have changed, but don’t feel embarassed. Just be honest that it was too much to plan the big family wedding and so you decided to simplify. Ultimately, at the end of the day, the real goal is to get married to your fiance and it sounds like that might not ever happen if you try to go for the big wedding. It’ll save you time and stress and money and you’ll be married! The big party is, ultimately, just a big party. Your marriage will be the same no matter how you get there. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    BritishBride2015:  I am sorry you and your Fiance have to go through this!

    “I always dreamt of a big family wedding but I cannot plan a wedding for the family I don’t have.”

    I am more or less in the same situation you are in. My mom passed away 17 years ago and my father has never been part of my life, I have a very strained relationship with my brother and my uncle (that was a father figure to us growing up) will drain all the love, happiness and pleasure out of any event with his all-consuming selfishness. My SO’s parents were divorced about 12 years ago and things did not end amicably, if his mom goes his dad won’t go, if his dad goes his mom will use the event as a platform to harass his dad about money. You get the picture.

    So we have decided to save all the money we would have used for a wedding and invest it in our life together, big deposit on our next home or whatever we decide. We are planning to get married in a private ceremony for two at a historical site in town by my childhood minister and then go for a nice dinner afterwards. Will have a photographer and all that, but without the family issues.

    My advice to you is, do what will make the two of you the happiest. What you will regret is doing something because you feel you have to, rather than because you want too.

    Post # 6
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such a heartbreaking situation amid what should be the happiest time of your life. I can’t say that I can encourage a decision but I know where your heart stands. My parents kicked me out of the house for dating someone outside their blessing and things with my FI’s brother and sister in law have made us cringe. I understand the part of not wanting the to be all smiles and pretend like life is grand when they have hurt you so badly this whole way. My Future Brother-In-Law is a groomsman and when my ex-Matron of honor became so hateful and stabbed my in the back multiple times by badmouthing me and my Fiance, I kicked her out….I wish I could kick my Future Brother-In-Law out as he has been hateful to my Fiance and his wife has been beyond hateful to me. I honestly have never before hated anyone in my life, I am always the loyal friend who will stick it out and seek reconcilitation no matter what someone has done TO ME….however, I absolutely hate my FI’s brother and SIL. HATE HATE HATE, would be happy to never speak of them, to them, nor do I care for their well being anymore. I have to watch myself as I catch thought of wishing a horrible marriage and divorce on them for being such pests. I don’t understand why Future Brother-In-Law should get to put on a smile for everyone to believe that he is such a supportive brother and means so much to the wedding couple if both my Fiance and I hate his guts! Fiance doesn’t want to regret kicking him out but I don’t think he deserves the position!

    Sadly my sister (Maid of honor) had a few months of joining my ex-matron of honor in being hateful to Fiance and I, she too got kicked out but after a month, she came back and apologized for not coming to me with her emotions and allowing gossip and cruel attitudes to separate us. She didn’t blame me for kicking her out, she realized what she did wrong and apologized. I love her and I never wanted to kick her out but your support shouldn’t be your enemies. 

    I really want his brother out, there is no remorse and he already threatened to not be in the wedding because the tux rental is $150 (my Fiance paid $220 for his brother’s wedding as groosman, Future Brother-In-Law spent $1K on Applewatch last month….BS about not being able to afford $150, and to think I was just seconds away from footing his tux bill!)

    Post # 8
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    BritishBride2015:  Thank you. I hope the two of you make the right decision for you and not anyone ells. Be blessed!

    Post # 9
    Member
    927 posts
    Busy bee

    Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time πŸ™

    So you asked if anyone had the small dinner instead of the big wedding and whether they regretted it. But I am kind of the other way around and wanted to give my perspective… We had what was (for us) a semi-big wedding – 60 guests – but had also considered just a dinner. Ultimately, I feel that the 60 guest wedding was fun and a good day but I feel like I could have done without it (and without the expense!). Looking back, the main thing I feel about that day is that I’m so glad I’m married to DH. I don’t regret our wedding, but I also don’t look back on it as “omg so amazing best day of my life” – do you get what I mean?

    If you do decide to go down the small dinner route, I hope my perspective can help give you some confidence that you’re not missing out πŸ™‚

    Post # 10
    Member
    3164 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am biaised because I don’t have any immediate family and would LOVE an intimate wedding. Planning it without Mum has really brought out the Mum-missing for me. But that’s beside the point.

    I’m going to say something that may sound harsh in writing but I hope you get where I’m coming from. That big, family wedding you dreamt of? That’s gone. I’m super sorry it’s happened, but if I was in your shoes the lead up would have tainted that old dream for me.  

    As I see it you can either re-set. Let all of that crap go and try to perservere with a big wedding now OR (what I would be inclined to do) dream a new dream – one which is just your and your FIs and fits where you’re at now. I don’t think you’ll regret any sort of wonderful celebration with the people you are closest to, and which ends in you and Fiance starting a new chapter in your lives together. Good luck!

    Post # 12
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    Beegritte:  Dream a new dream! Very good advice!

    Post # 14
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    View original reply
    BritishBride2015:  We have, or should I say I have….he wants the memory of our big day. I agree with him and try my best to ignore the negative people. Both my Fiance and I are hoping the brother drops out for real when it comes time to rent the tux so we don’t look like the bad guys kicking him out (seeing as he is family and everyone praises him and his wife as the perfect people even though they went behind her parents back to date for 2 years and that she constantly spent one-on-one time with a guy her husband (FI at the time) told her to stay away from because he was a druggie and loved getting other guy’s girls in bed. She does nothing but complain about her wedding and how he screwed up big time buying her the wrong ring….all while he was deployed overseas! I just an’t stand them and I hope they give themselves the boot so my Fiance doesn’t have to sever family ties and I don’t come off looking like a b*tch. I’d love to elope but there is enough desire and will to see this through to a beautiful day and stick it to the ugly people in our families.

    The topic ‘One thing after another. A bride in crisis :(’ is closed to new replies.

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