(Closed) One would think it would be a joyous time…

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

jusy don’t involve them in your decisions. Buy the house on your own so they can’t hold anything over you and maybe to counselling to better deal with the way they treat you! Sorry your going through this.

Post # 3
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Dang.  Reading the part about your boyfriend crying really pained me.  I think your parents are toxic, unfortunately… and your boyfriend crying goes beyond the issue with the down payment.  For the entirety of your relationship your parents have ridiculed him.

Sorry bee, but I think you need to make a choice.  Your parents will never respect him, unfortunately, and you need to girl-up and tell them that it is absolutely unacceptable behavior on their part and you will no longer be tolerating that type of treatment or verbiage.  Tell them that you and your partner are a team, and there’s no ifs ands or buts about it – and regardless how they feel about the situation, they will treat you both with respect and dignity that any person deserves.

I feel for you, too, as a worker in emergency services.  Been there, done that, so I can only imagine the state of mental health you speak of.  Choose to be around those who lift your spirits, not add more stress to you.


Good luck.

Post # 4
11259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Buying a house is a grown up decision.  Stop discussing adult decisions with your parents.  They’re holding you back in life.  Your relationship sounds enmeshed, which makes normal, healthy separation more difficult.

I strongly encourage you to see a therapist to work on your separation issues and to accept that your parents will not change.  The damage that you’re doing to yourself is bad enough, but it’s hurting your relationship now.  I think you would do really well with therapy, your parents are toxic, it’s not your fault.

Also, you might want to read the book *Toxic Parents* by Dr Susan Forward.

Post # 6
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Presumably your parents intended for you to be a strong independent adult woman capable of making your own decisions.  Go forth and be that woman, and do not involve them in the process, it’s not necessary. They will either accept and adapt to the fact that you are in control of your own life, or they won’t and will have a limited relationship with you as a result – it’s on them either way. There is no reason for adult parents to be screaming and crying at their adult daughter – don’t even engage if that’s how they’re going to act. 

Good luck bee, and congrats on the new house! That is a great accomplishment, and you and your BF sound like you’re doing just fine together. 

Post # 7
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
endplusone:  If this is the way they’ve always been, then this is the way they’ll always be. I have shitty parents too, it sucks. I know. The sooner you accept that this is who they are and they aren’t going to change, the sooner you can start living your life on your terms. Why are you “advising” them when you put an offer on a house? And why in the world would you even consider accepting money on the terms they’ve laid out?

And this:

I still want them in my life, regardless of how ignorant they may be.” — Well that makes things difficult then.

But is it worth continuing to encourage a relationship between my boyfriend and my parents?” — Your dad said he wishes he could paint your boyfriend white. It’s cruel and ignorant of YOU to think he should try to have a relationship with someone who said that.You think your boyfriend should have a relationship with someone who said that?

And how do I have a relationship with my family without letting what they say and do come between me and my boyfriend?” — You can’t. They’re unreasonable and they’re racist. How is that not going to come between you and your boyfriend? Trying to keep them happy and trying to maintain a happy healthy relationship with your boyfriend IS a no-win situation. It’s not going to happen. If you’re not willing to set boundaries with your parents — including cutting them off if they refuse to respect the boundaries — then you’re choosing this life of chaos and watching your boyfriend cry.

Post # 9
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
endplusone:  EAP is a great idea. A lot of people who have that benefit forget it’s available. The programs usually allow for a limited number of visits, like 3 maybe, and then you need to pay out of pocket or see if it’s covered under medical or something. You CAN choose your family though. I don’t believe anyone should be stuck with toxic terrible people just because you share dna with them. You deserve to be treated with respect. If people don’t treat you with respect, then don’t voluntarily spend time with them. Don’t invite them into your life or your decisions. You can’t change THEM and make them respect you. You can only change YOU and what you allow them to get away with.

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