- 2 months ago
I don’t know what I’m doing here, but I feel like I needed to vent. Forums like this have always helped me get back on track. I feel like I’m relapsing.
I met my ex 9 years ago online when she was au pairing here from a different country (we’re both European). She was 19 and I was 21 at the time. We fell madly in love and we were both looking to settle into a long-term relationship. She was still seeing a guy at the time from OkCupid but she called it off to be with me.
After dating for half a year, her au pair contract was about to expire and she’d need to go back to her home country, but decided to move in with me.
I was unemployed on benefits trying to get my shit together, so it was financially tough but I managed to get some odd jobs and do some online schooling (I’m a high school dropout) to get my life back on track. We didn’t care about money because we were in love.
She worked as a volunteer in a kitchen and babysat for pocket change. After 5 years of being together and me being financially stable, I decided to propose to her. I was still deeply in love and loved having her as my partner. I wanted it to be forever. Our communication was amazing, it felt like we were soul mates. We had the same ideas about children, where we wanted to live, our lifestyle, traveling. She mentioned how once you hit the 5-year mark you went through the test of time as a couple. She felt like it was a huge milestone we lasted so long. Although we did almost break up when we hitchhiked through Europe. It was one of our 1 and only “big” fights we ever had.
We did have our financial issues due to her not working full time and not bringing in enough money (I got mad at her for this and she needed to be in charge of chores around the house while I went to work). There were episodes of depression on her part, she also didn’t have that many friends here that were her own. And she missed her family a lot I could tell. We tried to visit them every year.
I also had some issues in my family with my mom asking to help out with my teenage sister who was having mental health issues (autism, bipolar, tantrums, depression, anxiety). My ex felt this was very toxic and I think created a lot of resentment.
Our engagement lasted 2 years due to not having the right paperwork and a lot of procrastinating (I needed to translate my birth certificate and she had to get a lot of forms because she was from a different country). We were very close to it being official but being held back bureaucratically was demotivating. We threw a big engagement party instead while we figured out the paperwork.
During the pandemic, the issues with my mother and sister got worse and it got very triggering for my ex (my sister had to live with us for 3 weeks). She then decided to go back to her home country for a while to get therapy and I agreed that this would be good for her.
After a month of little communication on her part, she told me we needed to talk. We had a phone call about how she wanted a break from us and needed to get her shit together because she was in burnout. This was upsetting to me and I felt my heart sink into my shoes.
One month later after no contact, she texted me that she wanted to break up.
This was August 2020.
It’s been one year since that message and I’m still not over her. I still torture myself with what could’ve been and hope of reconciling. I tried cutting contact with her but she reached out many times asking how I’m doing and trying to be friends (I initially agreed to this but I didn’t know it would be this hard).
I’ve been dating many women and I’m in a relationship now with a girl who understands my grief and tries to console me a lot. My ex is currently in a relationship as well last I heard from her but she still sent me messages that she missed me and signs of nostalgia. I asked her to stop contacting me because it was so unhealthy.
But the reality is that I do miss her a lot and we were together for so long. I thought that she wanted to get better for us. That when she would feel better we could try again. But so far it’s been nothing but torture. She said that she was diagnosed with autism and that that’s why we had so many problems.
I don’t know what I’m expecting by posting here. I don’t know if this is healthy. There is not a lot that can be said about this besides giving it time and trying to move on. But I feel like I’m constantly relapsing. I had a few months where I felt really good and enjoyed being single and I was distracted, but our anniversary is coming up and I feel like I’m back to zero all over again. I keep looking at her social media hoping to see her update her Facebook into a relationship so I know it’s over. Or to see pictures with her new boyfriend to get confirmation. But she hasn’t done any of those things.