One year since my fiance left me

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
13801 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Your instincts are correct that you need to stop talking to her. If she won’t respect that then you need to block and delete her from social media. Friendship is not reasonable at this time, perhaps ever. 

I also feel you are in no position to be dating someone else. It’s completely inappropriate to use this new woman to process your breakup. That’s incredibly unfair to her and she should not be enabling you. My advice is to seek counseling and give yourself time to heal with no contact. 

Post # 4
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

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@ClearIndividual:  “I decided I don’t want to be miserable alone anymore if this girl is willing to put up with me. It’s so toxic but all my friends love her and she’s amazing and a lot of fun. “

This is not only unhealthy for you both – it’s cruel. Find a therapist who will work with you on boundaries, even (especially!) if you disagree or it’s hard to hear it. Unfriend and block the ex. Dragging it out isn’t a good plan. Closure is something you give yourself, not an external sign you can wait for.

Post # 5
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

This is not healthy and you know it. Keeping this current girlfriend around is a bandaid so of course all your old feelings come rushing back when you break up, because you haven’t actually dealt with them. Find yourself a good therapist who you mesh well with, be single, feel your feelings and actually process them… this is the only way to move past them. Stop holding out hope that your ex will come back to you, it’s not good for your mental health. Work on yourself and find a way to move on for real. Also, you need to block your ex on social media. Those likes and small interactions are still breadcrumbs. 

Post # 6
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Honey, your past relationship and your current one are both hot messes for various reasons.

My advice is break up permanently with your current partner.  

Seei therapy right away to find a way to move on.  Refuse any and all contact with both partners, and do not try to follow either on social media in any way.

This is the only way you are going to get past all of this and get emotionally healthy.

But especially you need to seek therapy.  I am so sorry for everything you’re going through.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
13801 posts
Honey Beekeeper

On disagreeing with your former therapist, just be sure it’s not because he or she isn’t telling you what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear. 

Post # 8
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Please have the courage to end this new relationship you’re in. It is clear that you know it is not healthy, and you’re trying to justify staying because she wants you to. A person you’ve broken up with doesn’t just “come back to you” like a puppy following you home. You are allowing that relationship to continue when you need to be mourning the broken engagement that has obviously left you emotionally devastated. 

Post # 10
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

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@ClearIndividual:  “maybe she’ll leave once she realizes how toxic it is.”

 

That’s cowardly and you know it. You specifically said you took her back because you didn’t want to be alone in your misery. So now you were inviting her into your misery instead.  You’re better than that.

i’m sorry you were never taught how to grieve relationships or handle tough emotions. That really sucks. You are also an adult, capable of making new decisions. Getting into therapy will help – otherwise you’re just picking at the scab forever and wondering why it bleeds. In the meantime, do you have access to Codependents Anonymous in your country? Even online? Are your finances able to support getting a self help book (Amazon has tons about getting over breakups) so you have a place to start? Or your local library?

Post # 11
Member
6003 posts
Bee Keeper

Using new women to console yourself on the loss of your ex over a year ago is not cool. 

Stop talking to the ex. Nothing good will come of it. I was wildly in love with my ex fiance who I met at 18. Breaking up with him is the best thing I ever did. Forget all the “we were so in love” stuff. It’s just not applicable any more. You were young. You’re older and wisee now, so step it up. 

Focus on yourself. Get a degree, take up a new sport, do something different. But don’t wax nostalgic about an ex with a new woman. That is a total turnoff for a MENTALLY HEALTHY woman. 

Post # 12
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Once you realize that every time you text her, talk to her, check in on her on social media, you are essentially starting the process from the beginning, it’ll be a lot easier. I had an ex I used to frequently check in on Facebook. I’d go a few days and feel strong, check in to see what he was up to, and there I was crying again, thinking about talking to him, reminiscing about our time together. Everyday you go without checking in, you are building up your resilience toward the situation. I think right now you just don’t want to let go, and that’s why you say it’s so hard. When you truly want to get someone out of you life, you take the steps to remove them. I don’t think you’re there yet and you need to figure out why. Please get back into therapy. I’m sorry your last therapist got political. As a therapist myself, I try to avoid politics with my clients for this reason. But when you do get back into therapy, please allow them to challenge you. Change doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. Right now, you’ve got some people who are really suffering because you won’t stray away from what’s easy and comfortable. 

Post # 13
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

You’re going through a lot of difficult emotions, and I think it’s great that you’re reaching out to others and looking to get back into therapy with someone who will be better able to help you with all that you’re going through. That’s a hugely important step to getting your life back.

Being heartbroken, however, does not entitle you to continue a toxic relationship with a new woman who clearly cannot be a priority to you. She deserves better, and the relationship isn’t making you any healthier either. You said you don’t want to break her heart again- if that is true then you need to stop using her to cope with your own heartache. You are emotionally devastated right now, but you don’t have to leave devastation in your wake. That is a choice you don’t have to make. Break up, spend time with people platonically, pick up a new workout routine, plan a vacation. Hell, get a pet if you need to be loved by someone right now. Be intentional and choose healthier ways to cope. 

Based on the way you yourself have described your situation, you do in fact know better. So be better.

  • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by castalia.
Post # 14
Member
4723 posts
Honey bee

Get a goddamn grip. You are being a complete asshole to this poor woman. You are using her to mask your grief. Break it off with her, block/delete all appropriate parties, and effin put in the time (without dating) to get over your ex. 

Read up on codependency. It sounds like you have never had a healthy relationship. And you won’t until you are happy with yourself as a single person.

Post # 15
Member
1536 posts
Bumble bee

As usual, there are a lot of bees with harsh comments.  You’re going to have to get used that if you stick around WB.

It sounds to me that your relationship with your ex ended due to circumstances not completely within your control to change.  The only time I think it’s somewhat healthy to get hung up on an ex is if you did something you royally regret.  This relationship, despite being madly in love, was destined to end due to the issues that crept up.  You can be nostalgic, we all are.  But you can’t go back to the past because the past doesn’t have those issues that crept up.  It’s unrealistic.  It’s like being nostalgic about our 20s until we realize that a part of why we were able to do what we did is because we didn’t have health issues we now have.  It’s a part of life.  Ask yourself if there would be a viable way to go back to the past and do it over again with a different outcome.  The answer is usually no, and it’s a no for you here.

Anniversaries are HARD.  I have several major regrets in my life (some not to do with dating and relationships) and the anniversaries are triggers for me.  It’s going to be very difficult if not impossible to completely forget about them, so you have to be aware of the trigger dates and prepare in advance to get through those dates.  With time, it will not be an every year thing, many of my triggers are now only on major anniversaries (I’m coming up on the 25th and 30th of some of them).

I echo the other bees in saying that therapy helps.  It helped me even though it’s not a cure-all.

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