(Closed) Ongoing bridesmaid issues…help?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1868 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It sounds a bit harsh to me to ask your cousin to step down over a pair of shoes. Make no mistake, I think she is being ridiculous, but she is still family. I think you have 2 options – 1) Pick a color and let them choose their own shoes, because honestly, nobody will really pay that much attention to their shoes except for you and them. Admittedly, I’d be bitter about having to pay for shoes I’ll never wear again for a wedding (though I would never express it the way your cousin has, or at all, but still). Assuming she gets shoes in the color you want, I think it keeps your vision intact, no? OR 2) Tell the bridesmaid that you are running out of time because the store won’t hold the shoes any longer so you will be purchasing her shoes for her, and if she wants to be in the wedding, she will wear the shoes you purchased.  At this point, if she refuses, SHE is making the decision to not be in the wedding, you aren’t kicking her out. 

Honestly, if it were me, I’d rather keep the peace with my cousin and choose option #1. It seems at this point you are sticking to your guns mostly on principle, which I totally understand, but for me, it wouldn’t be worth it especially because this is your family. But I can’t blame you for feeling that way because your cousin is definitely not being supportive of what you want. 

Post # 4
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m not going to say “ask her to step down” or “not ask her to step down,” but if your wedding isn’t until next June, do you want to have to keep dealing with all this stress until then? It’s not as though she’ll suddenly “get better” at being a bridesmaid. I don’t know if you have directly said any of this to her, but you should tell her that this is your wedding, your vision, and your decision. It’s not like you’re being unfair; you offered to pay for half of the shoes! Goodness me. You should have a conversation with her about how you’re feeling, and ask her if she wants to step down or be more supportive. If she chooses to not be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, you should talk to C about what happened and let her make her own decision about staying or leaving the wedding party. I don’t even know these people and I’m frustrated, too haha

Post # 6
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

She is being ludicrous. I would sit down with her and be direct. Tell her how she’s making you feel, not just about the shoe situation but with everything. Let her know you love her and that you want her support because it means a lot to you. There seems to be a huge lack of open communication here. She doesn’t know that she’s hurting you because you aren’t telling her. She thinks her behavior is warranted and it is hurting your feelings in the end because you stay quiet. Just be gentle with your words and tell her what you just told the hive about the shoes and your vision.

Post # 7
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have a diva bridesmaid too…I came back from a vacation to a text that said “Me and Bridesmaid or Best Man 2 really don’t like the dress so can we just have everyone switch all the dresses.” Meanwhile the other 5 bridesmaids and even the one she mentioned did actually like the dress. She was just trying to manipulate everyone. I was livid and sent an email that basically stated agree to what I want or choose not to be in the wedding. It was harsh, but definitely necessary with this girl’s personality. She pushes and pushes until you eventually wear out and she gets her way. 

p.s. it cracked me up that she said “even her mom didn’t like them,” like that is a valid point!

Post # 8
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Shoes are really personal things. Personally, I can wear very few heels without having painful open wounds within 30 minutes. (I don’t mean tiny blisters, I mean blood running over the side of the shoe.) I would fight a bride tooth and nail over the shoes. But that’s never happened because I’ve never been in or to a wedding where the bride mandated shoes.

I really don’t understand asking bridesmaids to wear the same shoes. No one will look at their feet. Seriously.    

Post # 9
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MidwestBride2012: I think the OP has made it clear that at this point it is more of a point of principle, rather than just about shoes. I am sure if the shoes caused bleeding she wouldn’t ask her to wear them!

Post # 10
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MidwestBride2012: From what I’ve gathered, it’s not the heel, or the fear of discomfort, or anything like that, it’s that they don’t like the shoes. And considering that this isn’t just about the shoes, as this particular Bridesmaid or Best Man has been causing a lot of other problems, I don’t blame OP for standing her ground.

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Bridesmaids have the buy the dress. That’s it. I don’t understand brides feeling like they can dictate what bridesmaids wear beyond the dress and some general guidelines for the shoes. You ask your bridesmaids to stand up for you because you love them. Their styles come along with that.

As a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t want to pay $$ for shoes I don’t like. I’m already buying a dress that I will probably never wear again. As a bride, I want my friends to look happy on my wedding day. Bridesmaids who hate their dress/shoes will look miserable in pictures, even if they aren’t actively trying to. I’d prefer all smiles.

Making your big stand on shoes is just asking for more drama and probably not worth it. If the bridesmaid is being difficult, make sure she gets the correct dress, then just leave her out of the rest of the wedding planning. Bridesmaids drama usually only happens if the bride engages in it, too. 

 

Post # 13
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Even if she paid for the shoes. Bridesmaids aren’t dolls that the bride can play dress up with. They’re adults who can pick out their own accessories. As long as the shoes are champagne, I just don’t see the problem with letting the bridesmaid express herself through her footwear. Give a color and a heel range (offering the possibility of flats for those who want them) and be done with it. Micromanaging the lives of adults is bound to create drama and resentment. 

 

Post # 14
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MidwestBride2012: I guess we just have different viewpoints. Personally, as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my friend’s wedding, if she asked me to wear shoes that I didn’t particularly like but she offered to pay for (because she’s keeping in mind the fact that I don’t want to pay for something that isn’t my style), I would do it. Because I am her friend, and that is what I am there for. It’s her wedding. I’m not going to make a big deal over shoes as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, either. It is drama if both sides get involved. However, if the bride lets the Bridesmaid or Best Man win this argument…and then the next one…and the next one…and the next one…then eventually it is going to strain the relationship anyway, and this time, it will be the bride who is unhappy.

Post # 15
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I would wear the shoes as well, at least as long as I can tolerate the pain. But as a bride I wouldn’t dream of asking it. And no bride I know IRL has ever done that. 

To your point about the power struggle, it seems like everything else is settled with regards to the BM’s attire. Her dress is done, as is her hair, makeup, jewelry. The bride (any bride, not just OP) should just stop asking that BM’s opinion about the rest of the wedding if she’s being a pain. That solves the problem 100%. When the Bridesmaid or Best Man offers unsolicited opinions, just say “Thanks, I’ll think about it” and change the subject. 

Post # 16
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Kant,

I kinda have the same situation with my fiance’s sister. She is a complete and total tom boy and does not where dresses. (Her dad paid her $150 to wear a dress to prom) She keeps threating that she is going to put pants on during the reception I told her she didn’t have to wear the shoes all night but the dress is not an option it stays on or she is not in the bridal party. She honestly wouldn’t care, but she and I both know how much it means to her brother so she is sucking it up, but I still have this fear that the night of the reception she will come tramping in wearing Jeans and I just may have to go bridzilla on her ass!

Just lay down the law and explain you have done everything else to accomidate what they want the shoes are not an option! Than throw in if she doesn’t wawnt to keep them there is always ebay or craigslist! Good luck!

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