Post # 1
I’ve posted a few times about being frustrated that Darling Husband and I can’t get on the same timeline for TTC. Basically, he wants to wait a while (at least another year… we’ve been married almost a year already), and I wanted to start 6ish months from the wedding. Well, my timeframe has passed… and I’m still waiting, not so patiently :/ I’m 29 & Darling Husband just turned 30. We have been together 6 years, married 1, lived together almost 5. We both have good jobs and we just bought a house last week.
My Mom was diagnosed with cancer (lymphoma) in August. By December, we thought she had it beat– she was in remission. Well, it came back with a vengence about a month ago, and it’s terminal. We are all just devastated by this, but trying to enjoy the moments we have. No real timeline has been given, but 6-8 months was brought up a couple times. Darling Husband and I live 8+ hours away, so I’ve been going back and forth a lot to be with her and help. I took about a month leave from my job recently, and I’m off in the summer, so I’ll probably spend more time there.
Now that you have all the background info (thx for reading)… Given all we’ve been through, and thinking about what’s really important makes me want to start a family of our own more than ever. I brought this up to Darling Husband last night. He thinks it’s a terrible idea to TTC and be pregnant while I see my mom through this illness and the end of her life (stress on me and the baby)… I agree that I will be under stress, and traveling… but when will be the ideal time? When my Mom is no longer with us, I will still be sad and grieving… it’s not like it just goes away.
Bees, I need some helpful advice/ feedback…. I know now more than ever how important family is, and I want to start ours. Am I crazy to be considering this time to do it? I”m so tired of waiting. YOu ladies know how it feels when you want something so badly… when you’re ready for that next phase in your life. And I’d like my Mom to be a part of it, too. I’m rambling now, but any helpful words would be much appreciated 🙂
Post # 3
I think TTC while one person is not ready is a bad idea. I also think TTC will only add stress to your current situation. First, if it does not happen right away, you will be upset that you are not pregnant AND you will be thinking about if your mom will get to meet your child. Second, if you do get pregnant quickly, you likely would not be able to fly to your mom if you need to get there quickly. Also, an 8 hour car ride while in the third trimester does not sound plesant at all. It seems like you are seeing things from an emotional perspective now and your Darling Husband is trying to stick to a plan that was made with less emotional pressure. That being said, I think you need to tell him he cannot keep postponing his window. Maybe you can both agree to wait 6 months or to see how you feel at the end of the summer, once you are in a more regular schedule.
Post # 4
I am sorry you are going through this. I see both sides. It really is between you and your Darling Husband. Talk it out, but I see what he is saying- do you want to have that kind of stress on you/baby while baby is growing? I also understand how you feel. It is up to you and your SO, so keep talking it out if you need to.
Post # 5
First of all, I’m so very sorry. I do agree with Slicey though. To try when one of you isn’t ready won’t be the best scenerio no matter what the other circumstances are. And I think he is right too with the stress of it and the traveling, etc. I think I would just try to get as much time with your mom as possible right now. Focus on that part of your life. I know it doesn’t feel like it at times but you still have SO MUCH time to TTC. But I agree with Slicey again, I would have a real heart to heart with your Darling Husband about the timeline and when he does see it happening. That seemed to help me when I had baby fever. Instead of always hoping or wondering one day he’ll say he’s ready, you’ll both know when the time is coming. I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time right now with everything. Hugs.
Post # 6
@MCC919: My emotional reaction to your situation would be the same as yours, but after reading the posts from slicey and ecomaha, I tend to agree with them. If it takes you a little while to conceive, it could make this period of your life even more difficult for you emotionally and the possibility of not being able to travel would be a big drawback for getting pregnant. Plus you will want your Darling Husband fully on board when the time comes. I know how hard it is to wait! I was the one who was ready to TTC first and had to wait 8 months for my husband to come around.
I think if it were me, I would talk to my mom about the fact that I want to have kids soon. I would hope that we would be able to talk about my future children and that I could ask her what advice she could give me for raising them and let her know that I will tell them all about her and how much she means to me.
Also if you didn’t back in August when she was first diagnosed you may want to think about getting some photographs (professional or just some taken by a family member) of you and your mom and your family together as soon as possible so you can show these to your future children.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, hon.
Post # 7
Thanks for your kind words, ladies. Darling Husband sent me a txt after I wrote this, and said that last night he was upset with the timing of starting right now (given everything that’s going on), but regarding starting a family soon, he’s starting to come around. So that was nice to hear. If I at least think he’s beginning to get on the same page, we can talk together about a timeframe that also considers everything going on.
@bunny: Those are great ideas about talking about it with my Mom, and the pictures. We’ve always taken lots of pics when we’re together, it’s just been sad to document this time with her being so sick 🙁 Now we’ll have to figure out how to talk about it without crying too much… she has a great attitude about the whole thing, which helps so much
Post # 8
@MCC919: I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I went through a very similar situation last year with my step father and suffered a miscarriage just before he passed. Because of my experience I have mixed feelings. I will always regret that I never told him that I was pregnant, that we didn’t try sooner, etc. BUT on the other hand, I became pregnant again on what would have been his birthday (because I ovulated a week early!) and this pregnancy feels like such a blessing and a present that he gave to my family.
It seems like with the stress of your mother’s illness, the distance, and your Darling Husband being not quite ready, it would be best for you to wait a while. I think it is a great idea to discuss with your mom TTC in the near future and talk a lot about her experiences with you and your siblings (if any). It would be great for bonding and letting her know you will be ok after she’s gone.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you and your family. If you need someone to chat with that has been through something similar, I’d be more than happy to message you.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia
It’s super hard when you’re not on the same page, but I’m hopeful that your hubby will be ready soon – especially if he’s brought it up with you again. Big hugs to your mum. xx
Post # 10
I’m so sorry about your mom, MCC919. I think the other posters have given you good advice. Remember that it will take a lot of your DH’s emotional engergy to be there for you the best way he can while you go through this with your mom. And TTC is an emotional journey on men too. (I was reminded of this by my Darling Husband recently when I was suprised at how down he was that we hadn’t conceived yet — I had been so focussed on myself) Sometimes dealing with one enormous life event at a time is all people can handle, if they have a choice.
Post # 11
I’m sorry to hear about your mom, that must be tough 🙁 As far as Darling Husband being ready to start TTC, from the text he sent you it sounds like he will be ready soon and just needs some time to process everything. Good luck and I hope your TTC adventure starts soon 🙂
Post # 12
Thanks everyone! It’s nice to know he’s coming around on the timeline issue, which we’ve been dealing with for a looong time. That eases my mind a bit. As much as I want to be PG like yesterday…. I know that our emotional energy is going to be spent right now, and it’s not a good environment for a growing little one.
Post # 13
First, I am so sorry about your mom. That is awful news to get, and I know I would react just like you, especially wanting my mom to be around for everything she could be there for. Also, Darling Husband and I have somewhat different timeline and I’m 29 also, so I definitely am empathetic to that. It’s so difficult to want something so much and have to wait!
I think the ladies here have made really strong points and have probably won me over to the you should likely wait a bit, although no one but you and Darling Husband can really decide what’s best. I was just thinking you should see if your mom would feel up to either writing/having you write or videoing some Q&A/interview questions about being a mom, advice, how she handled different situations. If it were my mom, I would love to have that preserved as I know I would read/watch it a lot as I was learning to be a mom!
Post # 14
If you think there is a good chance your mom has enough time to meet the baby and see you become a mother, it is worth reconsidering. Obviously your husband needs to be supportive, but having lost my mom shortly after having my son, I am so incredibly grateful she was able to be a part of that. I was pregnant through her illness and a potentially (40% chance) life threatening procedure. Not ideal, but worth it.
I am very sorry about your mom – it is so hard to go through that, especially at a time that should be only exciting. Spend as much time with her as you possibly can, you will never regret it.