Online dating talk

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

lilceeja124 :  

Would you accept that kind of talk from a guy you just met you met irl, ie at work, school, with friends, whatever?

He doesn’t sound all that great to me.

If you’re pulling the wrong guys, I’d suggest taking a look at your profile and pics.  There are lots of articles on how to create a good profile.  One caveat:  believe *nothing* written by the dating app companies themselves.  They need to keep you single as long as possible.

All those happy match stats are not necessarily the truth.

Post # 3
Member
949 posts
Busy bee

What matters is whether it bothers *you*. Personally, I do think it’s a red flag if you’re looking for a long-term partner…if he’s bringing up sexual talk before he’s even really met you, he surely brings up that kind of talk with every woman he contacts. That feels icky to me.

 

Anyway, which apps are you using? Some seem to have more of a “hook up” vibe than others, such as Tinder. I don’t have any personal experience with OD sites/apps, but my brother uses Match which seems pretty decent. Definitely try making your intentions clear in your bio.

Post # 4
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

He is definitely testing the waters to see how much you are willing to play.  If you aren’t into that, move on.  That’s the good thing and bad thing about online dating.  So many fish in the sea.

Post # 5
Member
392 posts
Helper bee

I met my husband online dating several years ago. And tbh, I met some nice guys and some jerks but I was online dating off and on for a few years. You really just need to be open because you’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.

If this guy is annoying or you feel he’s weird or inappropriate don’t be afraid to move on. However, you can also see what happens with him and decide in time what you think. I found that guys who were overtly sexual up front were usually bad news and if it’s enough for you to ask about it, you’re probably not fully comfortable with it anyways. Don’t be afraid to cut people off and move on before you get too invested.

One other thing, online dating can be frustrating. Some people are lucky enough to find someone (the one) right away and for others it takes time. If you ever find yourself thinking there’s no one online who is looking for a normal loving relationship, just remember that you are normal and loving (and online) so you can’t be the only person. There are lots of great guys online. 

Post # 6
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

The thing about online dating is for every great guy there are 5 – 10 awful or mediocre ones. It’s really a numbers game. Don’t get your hopes up with every guy you speak to, just test the waters and keep and open mind. 

Which platforms are you using? IMO there are differences between tinder, okcupid, coffee meets bagel, match, etc. 

Also consider you’re profile. Love all my friends but many of them had a hard time putting together a profile that actually would attract the type of guy they want. Make sure your profile shows off your personality – some women make the mistake of just listing what they’re looking for. A great guy is going to read that and pass because he doesn’t have enough of an idea if your actual life/personality. 

Post # 8
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

I met my fiancé on Tinder, but I had to weed through the shit to find him.  

Tinder is better is larger metropolitan areas.  You can make sure people are nearby and meet up quickly.  I felt like it was almost like meeting someone IRL.  There is a slight attraction from the photos, but you don’t get much information and you have to work for it.

I can’t speak to suburban areas, but I’ve heard Match and Eharmony are better for those.

Also, don’t become someone’s pen pal.  Meet for a coffee or drink ASAP to find out if there is chemistry.  It’s easy to build someone up through messaging.  Then you waste weeks/months and meet up and it’s a bust.

Post # 10
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

If you’re not sure what you’re looking for, I suggest thinking about it in a practical sense. Literally get a journal and write down qualities you’re looking for in a man. Do you want someone who’s family-oriented? Wants to get married someday? Are you comfortable with a workaholic? A heavy drinker, or someone who doesn’t enjoy alcohol? There’s a big difference between what you want and what you need. You need someone with similar values and a lifestyle that matches your pace. You do not need someone who shares 100% of the hobbies you do or who looks like your ideal type.

Personally, I ended up dating duds until I had a better sense of what I was looking for. I also had a zero-tolerance policy for BS, such as bad communication. (Want to go incognito for several days? I was not waiting when they came back!)

When I had a better idea of what I was searching for and what to weed out, I went from finding it hard to get dates to talking to several men at once. I was also very upfront about wanting a long-term relationship. 

People say stay away from “hookup” apps like Tinder, and I understand the caution, but I take that advice with a grain of salt. Many of the guys on Tinder are also on Match, eHarmony, Hinge, Bumble and the other “safer” apps and sites, lol. Knowing what I was looking for was key when it came to online dating, not the actual platform. I met my bf this summer on, *drumroll*, Tinder! He’s younger than me, not my “type” but is family-minded, has an amazing work ethic, and is incredable supportive. He pursued me haaard in the beginning sprinkled with sweet nothings (as most men do), but we asked each other probing questions and there was no sex-talk until we became exclusive. 

Don’t fall for the smoke in mirrors. I’ve dating men who talk about starting a family, buying a house and getting their finances together, all the good things but it was also clear that sex was an immediate priority for them. I should have paid attention to the signs but ya live and ya learn, right?

This guy seems like a dud to me. I say move along to someone else. 

Post # 11
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

sharpshooter :  Agree 100000% about being pen pals. He should ask to meet you for coffee or a drink in 2-3 days imo. If not, throw him a bone and ask to meet. When I started online dating seriously a couple years ago, I fell into the trap of weeks of text conversations, don’t waste your time. 

Post # 12
Member
9285 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lilceeja124 :  “…not sure what I am looking for right now”

Have you considered taking a bit of time to figure out what you want before diving into things? You’re just coming out of a mess of a relationship.

Post # 14
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

Also, learn to have fun with it.  You can still be seriously looking for a partner, but try to go on dates with people who don’t necessarily fit your normal box.  It helps to figure out personality types and which ones you are more compatible with.

Trust your gut.  If something feels off or makes you uncomfortable, move on.  Don’t waste time.

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