ONLINE DATING TORN BETWEEN TWO OLDER GUYS PLEASE READ

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
3971 posts
Honey bee

I’m not as bothered by #1’s age as i am with his love bombing.  The fact that he is discussing future plans before you have even met is a huge red flag to me.  And the more you date, the more you will find the guys who like to be penpals (ie, tons of texting, calling, etc) are the ones who are the least likely to settle down or have the desire for a LTR.  

Attentiveness doesn’t always equal interest.  Some guys are all talk.

Post # 32
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

Guy #1 = Red flags Central: lying, love-bombing, sexual talk, ready to fly to meet on short notice, moody when you don’t answer. Nevermind OLD!

Guy #2 = The Player. The “I’m unavailable, you have to chase me to prove you deserve my attention” game is so off-puting and suspicious. He got you wrapped on his finger, waiting on baited breath for his one-line text and “deep” conversations. How deep can you really go in less than one month? And if you are having deep conversations with a TOTAL STRANGER it means you are sharing way too much about yourself too soon. Nevermind OLD!

 

OP, slow the heck down. Just because you date an old dude with a 20-30 year gap doesn’t mean he can’t cheat on you with an 18-year old. Our ex did a number on you and you should talk in therapy about why you are going for REALLY OLD guys as a reaction.

 

You say you didn’t narrow your age and location settings at the beginning? Guess what? YOU CAN DO IT NOW! If you can’t, you CAN delete your current account and create a new one. Esp if you don’t feel like sifting thru hundreds of messages. It’s a number game, you should understand that they are copy/pasting the same message to hundreds on women to see who bites and start chatting from there. Many have roster of women they keep on rotation. Guy #2 with his one-liners might be in this “efficient texter” boat, telling you exactly what you want to hear and moving on the next, while cultivating you until he strikes with a meeting one month into it while you’re all gaga over him. 

 

Better yet, have you considered a dating app (I heard about Bumble) where it is the woman who messages FIRST? This way you can control the pace, won’t have too many messages, and most importantly YOU CAN CHOOSE instead of waiting to be chosen and end up thinking your only options are a 69 yo lying geriatric dude or a 59 yo old player!

Post # 33
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@samora20:  Age and maturity have nothing to do with each other in the world of online dating. 

I dated a guy four years younger than me for a while and found our maturity levels to be a nice match. He was a very thoughtful and responsible person, but ultimately decided his fence-sitting about kids was leaning toward a yes if we were to continue the relationship, and I’m a solid no to kids, so we went our separate ways with a bit of sadness, a hug, and well wishes.

The man I dated who was 13 years older than me snuck around commenting on other women’s Instagram photos to tell them they were looking hot (regardless of their age), didn’t know himself or what he was looking for (decided at 6 months in he didn’t want to share his life with another person after all), and totally resisted emotional closeness. He broke things off over text when I asked him to decide if he was interested in being more serious or not. 

There are a LOT of emotionally immature adults in this world, including the clingy 69 year old who pouts when you can’t text him. 

Post # 34
Member
4927 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@samora20:  My Ex was chasing after college girls in their early 20s, and that was a heartbreaking experience.

Hate to break it to you but the two guys you were interested in were dating and chasing out their equivalent of college girls. As in women 20 plus years their junior. You are unfortunately subconsciously seeking out the same type of guy as your ex. Just ones who have 20 years of life lived on him. 😕

OP, you sound lovely but it doesn’t sound like you are mentally in a place to find your equal. Maybe take a step back from dating for a while because you sound like you are still in a place emotionally and mentally where you are a beacon for the wrong type of men. Those type of guys can see you from miles away and know how to manipulate your kindness and vulnerability to their advantage. 

Post # 35
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

OP, you should stop letting your inexperience guilt you into settling for bad options. I just turned 30 and I have basically never dated as in meet guy, give my number, restaurant-movies, we are bf and gf after 4 dates. Never. Never online dated either. I have only been with my FDH who I met at 15 and we were friends until 5 years ago. But even I know that those two are not viable (pun intended) options for a vibrant YOUNG woman like you! Take control of your own life. What you don’t know, learn! There are books, videos etc. on dating and good relationships. Those men who are so ready to move / come to your city after talking to you less than a month? Red flags. Learn how to spot these. At that age, they have a mortgage or should own their house by now. You mean to tell me that they can just pick up their life to come to you who they never met? That’s THE GAME! Of course they say so you’ll keep talking and as a woman, (they think) you’ll fall in love fast and then they’ll tell you they can’t move (kids, grandkids, golf club, retirement home lol) so you have to.

I really feel like the bees are opening your eyes big time! I’m a bit “harsh” to shake you up a little lol. Good luck! You deserve to be loved for a LONG LONG LONG time 😉

Post # 36
Member
993 posts
Busy bee

Bee – kindly, I don’t think you’re ready to even consider a serious relationship with someone (not even touching on thinking someone you’ve known long-distance for a month might be *the on*).

I married my ex just shy of the age of 21. We were married for 14 years (together for 16). When our marriage ended, I really needed time to heal and to rediscover who I was. I dated multiple people with no serious relationships for 3 years after my ex and I separated. I wasn’t looking for now-DH when I met him, but I’ve told him that he came in my life at the right time, because if he had arrived sooner, I wouldn’t have been emotionally ready for a serious relationship. 

Give yourself time to be single. Being single really can be a wonderful thing after a long term relationship ends. Get to know yourself again. Realize your own worth so that you don’t settle ever again. 

 

Post # 38
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

I agree with pp’s, age does not equal maturity. 

My FH is 3 years younger than me. He is the only man I have ever dated that was even a day younger than me and yet he is the most mature partner I have ever had. 

When I was fresh out of a long relationship at 27 I entered the online dating world for the first time. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of messages from men. I also didn’t set age or location limits. I got messages from men right up to nursing home aged and some who were on completely different continents. I am not saying this to sound mean, but consider for a moment how likely it is that these two guys just happened across your profile and immediately thought you sounded like the perfect match for them despite the age difference and distance. Isn’t it MORE likely that they are just messaging every single woman they come across and hoping something sticks?

I remember when I first started with online dating I felt this huge amount of pressure to find someone immediately and get into another relationship right away. The first guy I met in person was all wrong for me, lied about his age, height and level of education and I remember trying to justify seeing him a second time. I met many men in person after talking to them for a while only to discover they were completely different from what I was expecting. Some, because they had been lying about themselves but others just because I wasn’t quite getting their real personality via text or because in person they weren’t as interesting as I thought they would be. And that was just the men I met, I think I likely talked to hundreds. Sometimes the men I met in person seemed great but then they weren’t interested in seeing me a second time. Sometimes we hung out for a few dates or even a few months but then things just fizzled. 

My point is, you are still young and have a lot to offer. You don’t need to try to make things work with the first man who you talk to online and especially so if he is a plane ride away. The first guy has already lied about his age, tried to engage in sex talk with a stranger and now is waxxing on about your future together when he hasn’t even met you. For me, personally I wouldn’t even bother meeting him. 

Post # 39
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

Delete your account. Make a new one with a different email. Set age limits. Be picky about who you talk to. Just wipe the slate clean and start fresh. 

Post # 40
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You don’t need to meet with them just because they are flying in. Tell them, BEFORE they get on the plane, that you’ve changed your mind. You don’t owe them anything. If you are curious to meet them, go ahead, just know your boundaries before hand and stick to them.

Post # 41
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If you have seen the light and realized that these relationships are not worth pursuing tell them! Just because you said you would meet them doesn’t mean you are not allowed to change your mind. If you actually want to meet the second guy okay, but at least cancel with the first.

There is no need to continue wasting your time and energy the 14th and 16th are a ways off and there is no need to continue wasting your or their time. They have plenty of time to cancel their travel arrangements.

You don’t need the added pressure and expectation of, “I flew to come to see you. money, time, energy.”

“Insert name, it’s been lovely getting to know you I have realized I am not ready to pursue a relationship and do not want to meet.” Ending the relationship now is a lot easier than after they have flown to see you!

Delete your account and start over using an age range of 36-41 and within a reasonable distance of where you live so you can meet early on before you become to invested. I have found age and maturity often have nothing to do with each other. There are plenty of eligible men your own age.

Post # 42
Member
8411 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How can you think older guys are more mature and wont look at younger women when this 69 year old is LITERALLY courting someone 30 years his jr? And doesnt sound “mature” at all despite his age? C’mon bee. 

Post # 43
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee

Damn, if I was you I would be dating around and having fun. I’m married and never had the whole online dating thing actually but dating is supposed to be FUN! I personally consider both those men to be too old for you, but that’s up to you. (Also Guy #1 has more red flags than China) xo

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