Post # 1
Hi! I have a question that has been bothering me.
We are planning a small destination wedding (about 40 people total) for next fall. Originally, we figured we could give +1s to all the single/unmarried people we’re inviting since it’s such a small guest list (and most of them are already married anyway). However, one big issue has come up regarding one person’s +1 – neither of us want this person’s SO to attend. At all. Period, end of story. Lots of reasons, but this SO is just not invited. We weren’t sure how to approach it for awhile, and I finally settled on the concept of only allowing +1s for the bridal party. This only leaves us with 4 people that wouldn’t be bringing a date due to this rule. I’ve informed everyone of the rule, and the person in question seemed a little hurt, but understanding. Is this ok? What will they say when they see the bridal party’s +1s there? I’m worried that I may end up making an exception for one of two of those unmarried guests if they ask, and that could hurt some feelings. Should I just be up front and honest and tell them why their SO is not invited (we really, REALLY do not like this person…everyone attending agrees…it would make the day miserable)?
Post # 3
@ebarnes0: I wouldn’t go to any wedding without my partner, let alone a destination wedding that involved traveling, expense, and staying overnight. Couples are a package deal and you can’t have one without the other for something like this. I just wouldn’t attend at all and save you the issue of telling me you hate my man 😛
Post # 4
Just my opinion, but when dealing with a social unit (a person and someone they consider to be a significant other) then you should treat the social unit as, well… a unit. I would either invite them both, as a social unit, or not invite either of them.
Post # 5
@ebarnes0: Honestly if you’re decided on not inviting this one particular SO, you’re going to hurt feelings whether you’re honest or not. If you’re not okay with looking like “the bad guy” you’re going to have to invite him/her.
Post # 6
I don’t disagree with any of your comments, honestly if the tables were turned and I was invited without my man I would probably not go.
I suppose more background would help:
1) I have guests threatening to not come if this particular SO comes.
2) My dog will be part of the ceremony, and this SO has been known to rile the dog up, feed him inappropriate foods, and just generally piss the dog off…and I’m not dealing with that on my wedding day.
3) We don’t know him very well.
4) She’s very unhappy in the (almost decade long) relationship. He verbally abuses her in public, doesn’t like it when she has anything to drink, and we’ve seen them get into pushing/shoving fights before – again, not dealing with that on my wedding day.
Post # 7
I would never go to a wedding without my husband, especially a destination wedding.
You shouldnt have even invited this friend if you dont want her SO to go. You were wrong in this situation.
Post # 8
@ebarnes0: A destination wedding without +1 sounds a bit too much. I think it’s very unfair to punish every other guest because of one SO. Just don’t invite the particular person you don’t want. Listening the background, it doesn’t sound that hard to explain to her why she’s not getting +1. She may even not ask.
Post # 9
@afake79 – That’s why I mentioned possibly making exceptions for other guests…the others that would potentially get +1s have already made it clear they wouldn’t use them (they all know each other very very well). However I would be totally open to allowing one of them to bring a guest if they got into a relationship. That’s why I’m lost here, not sure what the right thing to do is.
Oh, and nobody has officially been invited yet – invites are way off in the future. Just discussions among friends! So there’s no actual invite issues yet. Trying to solve this before then!
Post # 10
@ebarnes0: I don’t think it’s really polite to not allow people to bring a date to a DW. If cost was an issue that would be one thing, but I think it’s pretty lame to not let anyone bring dates because you don’t want one person’s SO there. If it were me, I would just suck it up with that person being there and if it’s really impossible for you to do that, then I would have not invited either of them.
ETA – just saw the couple in question has been dating for 10 years. They’re considered a social unit and technically should both be invited. It’s not a regular old +1 you’re talking about.
Post # 11
@MrsPanda99: and @DaneLady: +1
I feel that couples are a package deal. I’d either put up with my friend’s SO, or not invite the couple at all.
Post # 12
@afake79: I agree. Just don’t invite the person you don’t want there and don’t worry about justifying it with a theme of not-inviteds. Your wedding, therefore your guest list. The only exception I see is not inviting one of his family members’ spouses. It gets super annoying if you marry into a family and then in-laws don’t acknowledge you.
Post # 13
I would go to a wedding event without my FI, but depending on the situation, I might be hurt if I was invited and he was not. Also depending on the situation, I may not go if that was the case.
I think you’re stuck in a hard place where you have to either invite the couple as a unit or not invite them. While normally I side against the idea of not inviting someone just because others won’t go, it really sounds like none of you like this guy, and with a small DW, yes, you will probably notice him. So I wouldn’t invite the couple.
Post # 14
I think when you are having a destination wedding, which can cost people a lot of money and time that every one should get a plus one.
Based on what you said about this guy, and the fact that he clearly cannot be trusted to behave, I think in that case you speak to that friend and expalin and I’m sure she knows but tell her she can bring a plus one just not him.
Post # 15
They have been in a relationship for 10 years? Yeah, you can’t invite her without him. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him, she has decided she wants to stay in a relationship with this person.
I highly doubt he is going to get up from his seat to rile up the dog and feed it inappropraite food while it is walking down the aisle. If your other guests are threatening not to come, that is very petty of them. Even if they don’t like this guy he is not the point, they should be coming to celebrate with you and your soon to be husband.
The only way to not invite this guy is to not invite his partner, but if you want her there they are a package deal.
Post # 16
So the consensus so far is that it’s better to not invite a friend than to either:
– explain to her that we would rather her SO not be invited and why
– limit +1s to the bridal party only
Cost is not exactly the issue but space is an issue – we’re having this at a beach house and everyone is staying there with us, so we have a max number of people who can attend. If he were to come they would have to stay elsewhere most likely, which does limit his interaction with everyone at least.