Only a year in and struggling

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
8267 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

There’s not a lot of information in your post so I will give you some general advice: Make some new rules.

1. Dinner happens together, no phones, it’s a chance to talk and connect 

2. Schedule a weekly date night. No excuses, no rescheduling. Date night is date night, everything else can wait.

3. Initiate sex. Rarely say no. Schedule it if need be.

4. Schedule a weekend away. Give yourselves time to reconnect away from the hectic every day of life.

Its easy to get stuck in a rut. But conscious effort can help get you out of it. 

Post # 3
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

So sorry to hear you two are struggling now. It sounds like you guys really need to spice up the relationship somehow, maybe try some new activity or class you can take together that would be fun for both and neither of you have done already? Or, kind of the opposite suggestion, try to go down memory lane and think back to some of the earliest activities or ways you used to connect in the early years of your relationship. Sometimes doing some of those things again can help remind you both why you fell in love in the first place. And lastly have you tried couples counseling?

Post # 4
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

hikingbride :  Agreed. These are all super important and can help revive things quickly!

Post # 5
Member
3291 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

johanna3 :  My mum told me years ago that doing things together as a couple builds intimacy and common experiences which builds stronger bonds. I think she is on the money with that one. You need to schedule in things to do together. Whether it be classes, holidays, working out together, shopping trips to buy groceries, cooking dinner, going on dates etc. It sounds like neither of you are putting in effort to maintain and strengthen your relationship.

You both need to sit down and have a conversation about this ASAP to whether this is just a phase of no effort from either party or something deeper. If it’s the former you can work on this by basically investing some time and effort like you did when you started dating. If its the latter then it may be important to establish whether you’d be happier apart.

Good luck OP.

Post # 7
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

johanna3 :  all of the above is helpful advice.

I think people tend to stop working at their relationships when they’re too comfortable. Happened with my BIL. He was with his wife 9 years before they got married and divorced after one year of marriage.

The point there is: they didn’t work at their relationship.

I’m confident that if you two want to make it work following the above advice will help.

Post # 8
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I agree with everyone else. Loving someone else is a choice. The honeymoon stage of infatuation doesn’t last, butterflies don’t last, love isn’t the passionate thing you see in movies. Love is a choice. It is choosing every morning to make the other person in the relationship a priority. You wake up every day and choose to make it. Dinner together every day, talking in bed at night, sex, intimacy, holding hands, discussing your dreams and goals. Relationships take a lot of work to keep. It isn’t keeping score, it is hard work every day. Some days it is effortless and you get butterflies just like in the beginning. Other days you can’t stand to look at each other but the hard part is doing it anyways! Resolve to do 1 thing every day, ask him- ” How can I make your day easier today?” and do it, no complaining. Also be HONEST with him. If something is bothering you-TELL HIM. But calmly and without accusing statements (you always  do … you never do ….) Open the dialoge back in your relationship. Plan a weekend away. 

Post # 9
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee

Talk about it together, and find out if he is on the same page as you. Has he noticed the lack of connection too? Is he willing to meet you halfway? You both need to make an effort to re-connect, this can’t be a one person job.

You can get over this slump by making an effort to have fun with each other, and making an effort to put each other first.

 

When you are spending time together that is designated couple time, put your phones on Airplane Mode. When my husband and I go on dates, we made a rule that only one person brings a phone. It’s in Airplane Mode the entire time, unless we need the GPS or Uber. It’s nice to bring one phone to be the camera, if we want a selfie, or some pictures of the place we are visiting. But having it in Airplane Mode means nobody can distract you from each other. Highly recommend!

 

  1. Starting with your existing hobbies, you could each join the other person for a few hours on one evening a week.  For two hours, watch a tv show together of his choice.  For two hours on another evening, you could play a video game of your choice. If he hates tv, does he like documentaries or movies? If you hate games, what about classic games like older Mario games that are easy to pick-up?
  2. Do you two cook together? That’s a great way to chat and connect, one person does the prep like slicing the vegetables, while the other does the actual cooking, and you split the dishes.
  3. Easy board games like Yatzhee or Jenga
  4. Read a book together, take turns reading it aloud, switching who reads at each chapter
  5. Invite each other out on dates. Set an expection, start small if you want. Once a month, EACH person is responsible for planning and inviting the other person on a date. Dates can be as simple or as fancy as you want, from a walk in the park to see the ducks, to a visit to the art gallery and lunch at a new restaurant. If a meal out is what you want, go some place new!
  6. Visit a new place together. Checkout nearby scenic towns, rent a B&B or a hotel with a jacuzzi tub.
  7. Go see a movie together and grab dinner afterwards
  8. If sex is non-existant, you might have to plan that for awhile too. (I know this sounds unsexy, but I’ve been in your shoes and works.)  We started with small goals, each person was responsible to initiate sex at least once a month. We found this helpful, because having a tiny quota meant a few things:

A) Having sex once a month is still more sex than what a lot of sexless couples have!

B) Each person initiating sex once monthly is 24 times in one year, also better than some!

C) Once a month is a TINY goal, easily achievable, and once you meet that goal, the pressure is off.

D) Be open to the idea that sex is more than penis-in-vagina missionary intercourse. Experiment!

E) Flirt with each other. Eye contact. Kissing. Love letters.  (Be very careful if you are sending racy messages to each other as “Oh shit, hi Mom” is hella awkward.)

Post # 10
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Make the effort to spend time together. Make dinner together. Shop together.

When you get home from work, he needs to turn off the video games and you need to keep the tv off. Talk while you make dinner. Even if it’s just how your day went.

Post # 11
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

johanna3 :  My Fiance and I work out togther regularly, I go to his crossfit gym or he comes to mine. When we are both home at night (no school), we always cook a meal together and sit and eat it together. We have been much better about not watching tv while eating dinner as well. At night, we both read in bed together before lights out. 

I hope this helps 🙂 

Post # 12
Member
4448 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My husband and I sometimes get in this habit too, where he plays computer games and I watch TV.  We also are pretty introverted and like time by ourselves.  However especially when it gets nice out, we take walks every evening with no phones so we can connect that way.  We’re pretty comfortable with silence…if there’s nothing to say we don’t see the point in talking just to talk…but spending time together even if it only is a 30 minute walk helps us to maintain that connection.

The difference between your situation and mine though, you say you don’t make each other happy anymore.  Can you elaborate on that?  What do you mean exactly?  Is it solely you not connecting on an emotional level or is it more than that?  If you aren’t happy and you’ve worked on your marriage, you aren’t happy and it doesn’t necessarily make sense to continue working on a marriage that isn’t going to work.  However if you haven’t tried to connect with him, you need to take some of those steps before calling it quits.

Post # 13
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

Are you guys able to do a weekend away or a vacation of some type to spark the mood and spark some intamacy? I agree with PP that love is choice. Hubby and I have been together 7 years.. married for 1.5. Although the “butterflies” and nervous feeling has gone away, I most definitely still feel connected to him and completely in love. That’s not to say that we have days that the sight of eachother is annoying (LOL). And he can get on my nerves more than anyone I know! BUT on those days we choose to stay around eachother and get through the valleys together! Maybe counseling would be good. Or even just making a point to reconnect. It sounds a bit like routine has set in and no one is making a concious effort to keep the spark alive! 

Post # 14
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You both need to make the decision to fight for this. You’re stuck in a rut and you’re letting go too easily. I remember reading an interview with a couple who was the longest married or something like that, and the husband said that over the years he’s fallen in and out of love so many times, all with the same woman. I hope that you aren’t considering divorce. What you and your husband have is a good relationship that has lost some of its spark. Make the decision to go to counseling, to eat dinner together every night, to go on weekend trips and date nights even when you’re tired. 

This is 100% salvagable. 

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