(Closed) oops! caught in the act!

posted 11 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 77
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My problem is you AREN’T sorry for the act because you keep commenting how it is natural and you got caught up in the moment. You are only sorry and embarrassed that you got caught. If nobody had saw you, you wouldn’t believe you did anything at all even slightly wrong and that is what is making people mad.

You are in a position to lead by example and so is your husband. Just remember there are a bunch of kids in that congregation and your actions are telling them what is and isn’t okay.

Post # 78
435 posts
Helper bee

Maybe she didn’t think she was doing anything wrong at first.  She did say it isn’t going to happen again.  Isn’t that called learning from one’s mistakes?

Post # 80
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I just wanted to add that it would probably be a good idea for you to edit your posts not to include so much personal info. You have provided your husband’s name, the town you are getting married in, and his job description. It wouldn’t be impossible for someone (like a parishoner) googling church info to stumble upon your post and link it to you in real life. You are seriously jeopardizing your husband’s job.

Post # 81
435 posts
Helper bee

While I understand that making love in a church is not a proper thing to do, I find it interesting that people use terms such as disgusting.  Why are people so horrified by lovemaking?  With a couple in love shouldn’t it be seen as a gift from God? 

Post # 83
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

as a practicing Christian i read this and got the impression that you were making excuses. i’m not going to judge you, because goodness knows we’ve all down that stuff that we would never tell our grandmother, but just because the area may or may not be poorer and therefore unable to get married doesn’t make anything okay.

i personally would be very upset if i was in the congregation (i don’t know what you would call it over in the UK), but i think the best thing to do would be to own up to anything people may bring up. if it happened, it happened, but try not to let it happen again, for risk of offending people. if i look at my home church, if either of our pastors were caught in the act at church (both are married with kids), there would be action, and probably people leaving the church.

best of luck, and i am glad that you found a guy who’s not afraid to have fun, because at least you know your relationship will never get boring haha.

Post # 85
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Are we all done beating a dead horse here? Wow. This is the most judgmental I’ve ever seen you bees! Talk about a bunch of wet hornets! I think it’s safe to say that yeah, it wasn’t the best idea, but to get as mean and nasty as some of you are on here was really not necessary. If you want to be nasty and snarky please feel free to return to the Knot. My goodness!

Post # 87
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

As a minister’s stepdaughter, I just wanted to pipe in with some advice for adjusting to being the family member of a religious leader. Whether you like it or not, by marrying a vicar, you are now part of his religious community. His parishioners who don’t take the time to truly get to know you and understand your individual beliefs will assume (pretty understandably) that your religious beliefs are the same as your husband’s. By marrying him, you are stepping into a public role where you will be expected to be an example of how to live Christian life. They will expect you to be an example of Chirstian beliefs, not your beliefs. They will expect you to be an example of Christian values, not your personal values. Regardless of your personal beliefs, when you’re at your huband’s church, you’ll need to try your best to act in a way consistent with the Christian belief system. Fair or not, it comes with the territory.

That doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to make mistakes. None of us is perfect, and part of being a Christian is accepting our human imperfections, finding support and forgiveness for them through God, and forgiving others for their mistakes. Unfortunately, people will sometimes forget that, especially when it comes to a religious leader and his/her family. Keeping your private life as private as possible will make your life a lot easier. It will also be very helpful to stop and consider the consequence of your actions/words at your husband’s church before doing/saying them.

For what it’s worth, I’m guessing people are far more upset that you guys gave in to your urges inside the church than they are that an engaged couple is having sex before marriage. I’d go so far as to say that most of the parishioners don’t give a flip that you guys are already sleeping together. The issue in this case is that you had sex in the church, which to most Christians appears pretty disrespectful of a sacred place (whether you think that or not). And if one of my co-workers had sex with his fiancee in his cubicle in our office, you better believe that everyone who works here would be gossiping about it 🙂 If parishioners bring it up, be honest about what happened and genuinely apologize. But I wouldn’t start apologizing to everyone in the congergation, your FI’s superiors, etc. The less you talk about it, the better. It will eventually blow over. Best of luck!

Post # 88
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

The main issue here has been discussed to death, but I wanted to throw in, because I was struck by something you said: you said that you thought premarital sex was vastly preferable to saving yourself for someone who uses and abuses you. True…but those really aren’t the only two options. I have no problem with premarital sex at all, but your statement seemed to imply that the only options for women were to have premarital sex or to wait to have sex with an abusive husband. I don’t get that at all. Lots of girls on here and who I know in real life are waiting for marriage to have sex and they’re in very loving relationships. So I really have no idea what you were trying to say there…it’s not as though waiting to have sex all of a sudden puts you in a bad relationship.

Just wanted to throw that out there.

Post # 91
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@vicarswifeintraining And people wonder why Americans are often seen as aggressive and rude. Isn’t it ironic that the first person that came to your rescue was another UK woman. I’m literally the first person in my family to ever be born outside of England let alone being the first to be born outside of the small Southern UK town my family is from. (I was born here in the States). When I saw all those judgmental posts I just saw the huge differences I’ve always seen between the US and the UK. You NEVER EVER said your church was in fact Christian (I’m assuming you’re Church of England or something along those lines) and your church may well have a different outlook on premarital sex (the US and the UK have huge differences in those areas from what I’ve personally seen but no one bothered to ask about that did they). So many of the bee’s here are jumping to conclusions and judging (which I always understood from a Christian viewpoint to be reserved for God alone – something sarahbean pointed out very well). While the US has a view of the UK as stuffy I find it often the opposite. Everyone seems to assume the rules are all the same and everything works the way it would in the US over there. My feeling is that often things are handled differently over on your side of the world so just don’t feel to overwhelmed with the rough words and aggression coming from this site. I’m sorry you got a bit attacked in your search for advice I’m sorry no one took time to understand where you were coming from a bit better. It sounds like you two know you made a mistake, you had a laps in judgment, no one is perfect.

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