(Closed) oot bridesmaid etiquette?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

NOt at all. It is unreasonsable for the bride to think that you would spend that kind of money attending the shower or bachelorette.

Even the $250 for a gift is ridiculous in my opinion. Who buy a $750 or more shower gift!!!!

Post # 4
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It is unreasonable for the bride to get upset. I understand her being a bit sad you can’t be there, but unless she is going to pay for your flight and the money you would make at work just so you could be there, she cannot expect you to have that expense. And I agree that $200 or more per bridesmaid for a gift?? NO WAY! You should be able to choose your own gift to the bride unless you REALLY want her to have that gift.

Post # 5
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Sorry, but your friend is being unreasonable. My 2 oldest and closest friends live Out of Town and missed both my showers, and are missing my bach party tomorrow.

I would have thought it ridiculous for them to try and come in for any of it. I wanted them to spend the extra time here with me before the wedding. Both are coming in earlier during the week before.

 

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you are doing a lot to just be there for your friend.  Two of my four bridesmaids are out of state.  One is able to make a week of it for the wedding as she is also going to visit her parents who still live here etc.  The other will only be here for the day before, the day of and leaving early in the morning.

The bridal shower is this weekend and neither is able to come obviously.

I did schedule the bachelorette  for the day before the rehearsal dinner, but the 2nd bridemaid cannot afford another night at a hotel or another day off work to get up here and I totally understand.

Yes I am disappointed or sad and I have probably had my own bridezilla moment to myself about wanting it another way and wanting it perfect, but it is what it is. They both have paid $200+ for a dress and will pay plenty in gas and/or plane tickets.  I am just happy that they are able to come.

  If your friend has acted upset just try and let it go, chances are she will feel bad about it later, its just some pre wedding stressing.

Post # 7
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

I think it’s your friend who is being unreasonable. Given your situation, as a bride, I would even understand if you had to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man because of the financial burden of attending and being in the wedding (though I’d definitely be sad). Attending the bridal shower and bachelorette party are not mandatory Bridesmaid or Best Man obligations. Sure your friend can be sad you can’t be there, but it’s not fair for her to actually be upset with you. She should be understanding of the fact that you would have to travel great lengths and at great personal expense to be with her on these occasions. 

Post # 8
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

with all the money you are already spending, i don’t even think you need to get an additional wedding gift! forget attending the other events!  your plane ticket to attend the wedding as her Bridesmaid or Best Man is yor wedding gift IMO.  although cards are always nice!

Post # 9
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Agree with PP. It is understandable to be sad because you will not be there. She’s probably just stressing over all the wedding stuff, every little thing might set her off. My friend who just got married a few weeks ago was being all bridezilla with me. Just let her know you are not made out of money but in a nice way. I do understand how annoying it can be when brides expect so much from you, especially money wise. Good luck!

Oh and I was an oot bridesmaid as well and did not attend her bachelorette party nor her shower. Needless to say she was not happy with me but on her wedding day she had completely forgotten about all that drama.

Post # 11
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No, not at all! I have an Out of Town bridesmaid only 3 hours away. I’m only expecting her to attend my bridal shower & bach party if it’s convenient for her. I just expect her to buy the dress and shoes, and be at the wedding to support me. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with PPs who say she’s probably stressed. Sometimes any disappointment can be hard to take depending on what else is going on with the wedding planning. I’d give her some time to process. It’s completely understandable that you can’t make it.

Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

As a bride I wold not be upset, my Maid/Matron of Honor is out of town and can only do the wedding, while the other bridal party members have an issues with it, i do not.  At the end of the day, it is her being part of my wedding on that day, being there at that important moment, that is what matters to me.  If she is a true friend, she will understand. 

Post # 14
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think the bride is being very unreasonable. Over half of my wedding party has to travel, I couldnt possibly expect them to travel multiple times for a shower, bachelorette, AND the wedding. Thats ridiculous! After all of the money you are already coughing up, the bride needs to be a bit more appreciative as the only think you are technically required to do is purchase a dress/shoes and stand with her on her big day

Post # 15
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  I think the bride is being unreasonable. Out of my five bridesmaids, one lives in town, one lives two hours away, one is four hours away, and the other two (including my MOH) are 2,000 miles away. I have already told them that I completely understand the traveling, I do not expect them to be here for every event (that would be WAY too expensive). Plane tickets are really expensive, and all of us really aren’t that far out of college.

  I’m hoping the bride is just having one of those stressed out moments. Hopefully, she will realize that it would be really expensive (and not practical) for you to fly out for everything. It would be better if she could do everything in one weekend, but even then, that would be difficult, too.

Post # 16
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I felt guilty asking my Bridesmaid or Best Man to even buy their dresses!!!  That is the ONLY thing I expect of them (and being at my wedding!)–I even let them pick what color they wanted, and the dress that they wanted (very few parameters–I wanted them to get a dress they loved and would wear again). I am not having a shower, or any “traditional” events, and I hope they can come in town on the Thursday before the wedding for a girls’ night out, but if they can’t, I COMPLETELY understand!! I have ONE Bridesmaid or Best Man that lives in my city (Portland, OR).  My other four Bridesmaid or Best Man live across the country!!  Three live in WI, and the other just moved to NC.  I think that to expect more from out of town bridal party members is totally unreasonable.  The greatest gift these girls can give me is being there for me on my big day.  

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