Post # 1
I’m asking this in order to be able to help out a friend who’s got herself into a sticky situation. She and her Fiance decided to have an open relationship to spice things up. I thought it was crazy from the start but it’s not my business… until she called me crying to tell me that it’s not actually working. They’re both getting very confused and messed up by seeing other people, people’s feelings are getting hurt and it’s got to the point where she’s considering calling off the wedding. She wants to close the relationship again, he’s not sure if he wants that.. he’s fairly happy how things are and wants to marry her but continue having an open marriage. He’s upset and confused because she’s upset, not because he’s unhappy with the open relationship.
I’m just wondering if any of you would consider an Open Relationship, if not then why, or if you are in a working open relationship why does it work for you? I’m hoping the replies will help me give her some support and advice, because she’s asking me to meet her for dinner today to give her my insights and talk it through with her.
Post # 2
Not in this lifetime…or the next one.
Eta: She should strongly consider walking away from the relationship.
Post # 3
amanda3334455: absolutely not. My husband and I believe that if you are going to be in an open marriage, than why get married? People may disagree with that but its the way we feel. We both feel that marriage is a commitment that should be made between two people, not multiple people. I just dont see how having an open relationship can ever work, even if there is a couple who is strong emotionally and wont get attached but I feel that eventually something will go wrong.
When you are in an open marriage/relationship there needs to be a lot lf boundaries so that peoples feelings dont get hurt. And now that your friend has opened that door and wants to close it but the Fiance doesnt is a major problem. Both need to be on the same page as far as not wanting to have that type of relationship anymore, however, personally I couldnt trust him not to cheat on me bc he enjoyed the openess so much.
What your friend did was a bad idea, and in the middle of planning a wedding. She has opened up Pandora’s box. Inhope things work out for her
Post # 4
It depends, every couple is different. It has worked for my friends in the past but settled to being exclusive once enagaged and/ or pregnant. Your friends need to communicate and figure it out. It obviously wont work if one doesnt want to be open.
Post # 5
amanda3334455: As PP said, why even get married if you want to sleep with other people? It negates the entire purpose of marriage, in my opinion. No disrespect to people who do choose that lifestyle, but it doesn’t make sense to me. And it’s not something I’d ever consider.
Post # 6
If you want an ‘open’ marriage then you don’t actually want marriage in my opinion. To marry someone is to commit yourself to the other person, and them only, for the rest of your life. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, and if you want to, frankly that’s just completely selfish and I would advise my girlfriends to stay well away from anyone like that.
Post # 7
Well, so far you’re all saying what I’m thinking.
I agree that firstly you can’t have your cake and eat it too, and secondly it’s a real problem if one party wants an open relationship and the other doesn’t. That’s kind of what i said to her at the beginning..”Ok, but what happens if one of you wants to be exclusive again and the other doesn’t?”.. and that’s what’s happening right now. It sucks cos they make such a great couple otherwise, but I’m not sure if they can make this work now 🙁
Post # 8
The first thing that comes to mind is STD’s. If the third party has no qualms about being with a married couple, how do they know for sure that person is exclusive?
Post # 9
I can’t fathom it, but that’s just me. I agree with fear of STD’s.
Also, for the average person using “open” situations to spice things up, I feel like it quickly bridges into unwarranted territory. In order to spice it up even more, one party may start keeping secrets, one party might start getting theirs “more” than what is allowed, etc etc. I feel it starts to become an adrenaline fueled pursuit really fast (I have an open relationship, now I need a secret one, now I need MORE partners, now I need freakier partners, now I need an emotional connection with my partners etc).
So no, I don’t really think it would be at all possible for me. Not sure about anyone else, but I wouldn’t be able to do it because I think it usually ends poorly, even if it takes a few years.
Post # 10
Would it be something that I would want to have in my marriage? Probably not. But I can see some situations where it might be important to sustain a marriage. For example if there was a medical reason why the couple could not have sex (so say a disability that occurs after becoming a stable couple). I think it could be life saving to a marriage in the right circumstances. Sex is important and so is sexual satisfaction.
Post # 11
amanda3334455: I think there is probably a very very small percentage of people for whom an open marraige would work but I’m not in that group.
Post # 12
Okay, I get that an open marriage is not for everyone but conducted right with a tonne of communication and trust as the top priority they can be very successful and fulfilling. However, a lot of people do not know how to be truly open and trustworthy. What needs to be in place when considering an open marriage is everybody’s boundaries. As in, there has to be a rule where if one party decides its too much they have the right to get their wishes met. With no guilt trips. Because the marriage should always be the most iimportant part.
What should also be established BEFORE proceeding is what kind of open relationships you are embarking on. Is it emotional and sexual? Or just sexual? Is it long term, short term, casual? Do you share partners or have seperate partners and do you split your time equally? As in, if he is goiing out with his girlfriend three times a week, are you stuck in the house lonely because you only see your partner once a week? Jealousy has to absolutely NOT exist. It will not work if jealousy enters into it. Open relationships work if both partners are generous, non possessive people who like a lot of attention or variety.
The openness should only ever be introduced as a BONUS not to spice things up or save a failing relationship. That is A DISASTER. I’m not in an open marriage at all but I’m the kind of personality where I could be completely cool with it. But only when its been fully researched and completely talked out, organised and agreed upon. Never would I put my marriage in danger. An orgasm with a stranger is so not worth losing the love of my life over.
I say this relationship is pretty doomed. I dont feel that she is a naturally polyamourus personality. He may be. But she isnt and its likely she suggested this or agreed to it out of fear of losing him. Worst. Reason. Ever.
Post # 13
Yipeebee: My thoughts exactly. I could handle it. He couldn’t. So we don’t. We’d both be comfortable having another woman join us on occasion but we’ve yet to come across a good candidate. Plus now I’m pregnant…so eww.
Post # 14
Never in a million years would we have a open marriage. Nope nope nope.
Post # 15
That’s a HUGE no from me.