(Closed) Open marriage – would you consider it? Does it work for you?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you consider an open relationship?
    No, absolutely not : (464 votes)
    84 %
    I'm undecided - it would depend on the circumstances : (59 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, I would be happy to give it a go : (16 votes)
    3 %
    Yes, I"m actually in an open relationship and it works for us : (12 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 136
    Member
    2075 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

    I’m sure open marriages or relationships can work for those who are excellent at communicating and setting boundaries as needed. For example, some couples would want to be in the same room when exchanging partners. Some want to make sure that they meet the person together before anything happens. Each to his/her own. Then, you’d have to define what is considered cheating. One girl whom I used to work to at a retail store became a ‘homewrecker’ & broke up an open relationship. That was not cool.

    That kind of lifestyle isn’t for me though.

    Everyone’s got different values. It’s definitely not something you’d experiment on a whim.

    Post # 137
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    KhaleesiStormborn:  

    I could never liken such a serious issue to disagreeing on football teams. Differences in sexual exclusivity and rooting for opposing football teams are not even remotely the same! There are no moral, cultural and religious beliefs that tie into favorite sports teams. 

    For most people, the idea of an open marriage goes against everything they’ve been taught about monogamy. This is why polyamory is usually viewed as unacceptable in society…especially in more religious circles. Even though I agree that everyone needs to define marriage within their own moral boundaries, it’s highly unlikely that repeating that sentiment will change the minds of those who do not believe in polyamory. 

     

    Post # 138
    Member
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    mrswhitecat:  I agree that if you’re religious, you’ll probably never be okay with it in your marriage, and that’s 100% fine with me. In no way am I trying to make people suddenly want to be involved in polyamory. The only thing I’m fighting for is for everyone to recognize that marriage means something different to different people, and that’s okay. It just honestly upsets me to hear people question the validity of other peoples’ marriages, just because they’re different than their own. 

    As for the football thing – men have murdered their wives over sports disagreements, so clearly it CAN be a very passionate issue. And some people (not myself, but some good friends are like this) actually can have unattached sex. As long as both partners are happy with it, it isn’t anybody else’s business.

    Religion is an individual preference, so although it’s applicable to some marriages, it has no place in the rest of them.

    As for morality. Well… everyone has their own moral code, and, as long as they’re law-abiding, that’s allowed. Some people are racist, some are homophobic, some hate cats, etc. As long as they don’t harm those they hate, everyone seems fine to leave them to their own opinions. Well, I think those traits are a heck of a lot worse than consenting adults having sex! 

     

    Post # 139
    Member
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    mrswhitecat:  Oh sorry – also meant to say that any couple who have differences in sexual exclusivity between them…  well that’s not good. Partners should always be 100% on the same page, regardless of whether you both want monogamy, or polyamory, or something in between. 

    Post # 140
    Member
    1987 posts
    Buzzing bee

    mrswhitecat:  “There are no moral, cultural and religious beliefs that tie into favorite sports teams.”

    I know this is diverging from the topic, but I think some Americans don’t realize how much sports clubs are explicitly associated with politics, religion, and culture elsewhere in the world.  KhaleesiStormborn’s football analogy would make sense to people from other parts of the world.  Just to think of some examples off the top of my head, fans of FC Barcelona (one of the most famous sporting teams on the planet), Athletic Bilbao, AEK, Olympique Marseilles, Livorno, Celtic, and Rangers would be really fascinated to hear that sports team affiliations aren’t really serious business.

    (FCB=symbol of Catalan independence movement; Bilbao=symbol of Basque independence movement; AEK/OM/Livorno=clubs whose supporters have a long history of antifascist protest and action; Celtic/Rangers=teams in the Old Firm rivalry, a rivalry that historically reflected the deep divides between Catholicism/Protestantism and the politics of English imperialism in the British Isles)

    futuremrsc2016:  I tried to do some research on this matter, and I wasn’t able to find anything that discussed the matter of custody as it specifically related to open marriages.  I don’t know if the child’s case would be treated like that of any child born outside of a legally recognized marriage or not.  A lot of what is out there on this topic seems to be published by sources that are either rabidly for or rabidly against the open marriage concept, so I’m concerned about the reliability of those sources.  Scholarly research seems thin on the ground (one of the most commonly cited studies about marriage outcomes–which showed that nearly 70% of open marriage couples remained together, compared with just over 80% of monogamous couples–over a 5 year period–is from 1984, which makes it positively ancient). 

    Post # 141
    Member
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee

    We’re 10 pages in and still no one answered my question on thoughts and comments about kids involved whether they’re the couples children or children conceived during the outside relationships. I’m just honestly curious how that would work? Does the legal husband have parent right? The biological father? Does he lot child support? Who is on the birth certificate? 

    Post # 142
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee

    Personally, I would never be able to have an open marriage. The thought of my SO being with someone else is so painful. 

    Post # 143
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    KhaleesiStormborn:  

    The men who kill their wives over sports teams are outliers. Exceptions are not rules. People are certainly passionate about sports but most are not going to decide that they should not be married just because of sport team preferences. That would be ridiculous.  

    If you would like polyamory to be accepted as an alternative to traditional marriage, it would probably help to be equally aware that some are not going to embrace polyamory based on their morals. I may not be against polyamory for other couples but I’m not going to attack anyone who believes that sharing her spouse is gross and doesn’t fit into their idea of what marriage is. After all, we all have the right to our opinions and beliefs. 

    Some people are homophobic. I don’t think that way of thinking is acceptable…but I do know that nothing I say to a homophobic person is going to change her feelings towards homosexuality.  

    Post # 144
    Member
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    mrswhitecat:  I am 100% aware that people won’t embrace something that goes against their morals – I’m not asking anyone to accept it in their own lives, just to accept that others don’t have the same beliefs as you, and they’re not wrong for it. Consenting adults can make their own choices. If you think homophobia is wrong, then why would you let yourself judge others for their sexual preferences? 

    Anyway, I feel like this is a dead horse, so we’ll have to peacefully disagree. I wish everyone the best with their marriages, whatever they consist of.

    Post # 145
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    KhaleesiStormborn:  

    I clearly stated that I was not against polyamory for other couples.

     

    Post # 146
    Member
    1193 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    mrswhitecat:  Wait, what? Then why did you start bickering with me? 

    Anyway, okay, good. The end.

    Post # 147
    Member
    8999 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    futuremrsc2016:  from my understanding most couples practice safe sex with extra-marital partners,not only to prevent stds but to prevent children. I would assume (outside of those who practice polygamy as part of a religion) that most are non-religious and/or don’t hold to all of their churches teachings (like so many do) and would do what a CFBC person would do and terminate. An open relationship is not the same thing as being open to having someone but your partners child.

    And if a child was concieved then I guess it would be a personal parental choice as to whom the recognised father would be. A father is much more than biology. 

    As to telling children, well did your parents discuss their marital bed with you? I would bet no so why should someone in an open relationship be different? But in my experience people in open relationships are a lot more comfortable talking about sex and sexuality and I would asume that would translate into how they talk about sex and relationships with any children. 

    Post # 148
    Member
    540 posts
    Busy bee

    Wow, this thread is such a mess. Reminds me why I could never get into moral philosophy. :/

    MarriedToMyWork:  You are very reasonable.

    Post # 149
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    KhaleesiStormborn:  

    It’s not really the end if you keep going. LOL

    Nobody was bickering. I was simply sharing my opinion of what you wrote. I was also encouraging you to be as unbiased towards those who abhor open marriage as you are when it comes to accepting that open marriage works for some couples. 

    You were the one “fighting” (your words) to have your beliefs accepted by Bees who simply posted their negative feelings toward on open marriage. You also admitted that you were upset while this discussion has not affected me emotionally at all. I noticed that you kept repeating the same things in an attempt to dissuade their viewpoints. The point I was making was be open minded about other’s morals as you would like them to be accepting of yours. 

    This is what I said:

    “I may not be against polyamory for other couples but I’m not going to attack anyone, who thinks that sharing her spouse is gross and doesn’t fit into their idea of what marriage is.” 

    Post # 150
    Member
    20 posts
    Newbee

    My husband and I have relationships, including sex, with several other people, but our marriage is not “open” in the sense that we just date or sleep with anyone.  These are a closed circle of lovers who we both know and care about.  I like women as well, so it keeps that part of me satisfied. 

     

    Hubby is the totally nonjealous type and never had a problem with it.  It took me a while to get over it, but now I actually crave the feeling that I get.  It’s been over ten years now, so you can say that we are committed to one another and it works for us. 

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