(Closed) Open marriage – would you consider it? Does it work for you?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you consider an open relationship?
    No, absolutely not : (464 votes)
    84 %
    I'm undecided - it would depend on the circumstances : (59 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, I would be happy to give it a go : (16 votes)
    3 %
    Yes, I"m actually in an open relationship and it works for us : (12 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 61
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee

    Not a chance!  I’d NEVER consider it.

    Post # 62
    Member
    5891 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    In theory, I’m open to discussing having a monogomish (ala Dan Savage) relationship in the future. I just don’t believe that monogomy is 100% natural and that in a 30-40-50 year marriage it’s better to be open than cheat. 

    But in reality, I don’t know how it would work. First, your relationship has to be solid, solid, solid. Like no cracks. Second, your sex life needs to be solid, solid, solid. You need to be happy and excited about what is happening in the bedroom between the two of you. Third, you need to be okay with your partner spending time with another person. So I’m at home watching the kids, we haven’t had a date night in months and you are on a date with someone else, I don’t think so.

    And because of the threat of falling in love, I’m more open to seeing a prostitute. But it would have to be safe and legal. So now we are spending out limited money on flying out to Nevada, so he can spend and additional $500-$1000 for a legal prostitute? So that is money not being used on the house or our family. 

    I think Darling Husband apprciates that I’m open minded enough to have the discussion. But we, so far, are very happy with being monogamous. And he is not one to be able to see more than one person at a time. So I don’t think this will come up in the future. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    922 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    The only ‘open’ marriages I have personally seen have involved gay men…myself and Fiance know 4 couples who entered into civil partnerships (the precursor in the UK to ‘gay’ marriage) as soon as they could…and all the partnerships/marriages were open.  

    Not a single one of those couples are still together.  And this is in a time scale of less than 7 years we are talking about.  In every single case, one of the couple wanted it far more than the other.  

    Marriage is marriage to me, whether you are gay, straight, whatever.  I’m sure there are couples who make it work, where everyone involved is happy.  But I’ve got to the age of 47 without ever meeting one…and even setting that aside, I know in my heart it is something that I could never accept or be happy with.

    Post # 64
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee

    ABL12490:  Not all vows mention faithfullness. Mine won’t, for example. My Fiance and I absolutely share a life together – I’m not sure why we’d have to be exclusive for us to be able to do that. We’re getting married because we’ve decided to spend our lives together, not because we’ve decided that those lives should never include others. 

    If the only point of being married to someone is to have sex with that person….well, that sounds like a terrible, shallow reason to get married to me. I’ll take my marriage based on mutual love, respect, and committment to shared values any day. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    567 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Not for me. Not for my husband.

    1. I don’t find monogamy to be a challenge. For us, it’s not hard. I don’t find myself attracted to other peopel often and when I do it’s so easy to just in a split second be like “well that’s not my husband, my marriage is better than anything I would get from someone else, so this attractive person is irrelevant to me.” It’s like as soon as I committed to marriage my body automatically converted everyone to the “this is like your sibling/off limits” territory. It’s truly not an issue for me.

    2. Even if I were tempted, I think it would bring way more complications into the relationship. Right now our marriage is good. Stable, secure, happy. I love the stability and security. I wouldn’t want to mess that up. And I don’t see how you can have an open relationship and not have difficult talks about insecurities, jealousy, boundaries, etc. In our monogamous marriage, none of that needs to be an issue. Even if we wanted it, and even if we thought it was worth the work, I don’t think it’d be worth risking what we have. It’s so good. Not gonna rock the boat.

    So yeah, this is so not something we are interested in. But we are monogamists.

    We understand that some people aren’t. Those people shouldn’t try to force it. I think people need to be honest w/ themselves and their partners. I couldn’t be in an open relationship nor with a cheater, but I’d rather the person level with me and tell me they can’t be happy monogamous than pretend to be and lie to me/cheat on me.

    Post # 66
    Member
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I’d probably be fine being in one because I feel capable of seperating sex and emotions but I wouldn’t want to be as I love my Fiance and only want him. I think trying to “spice” up a relationship by making it open is ridiculous to the extremes it will never work. The only way to have an open relationship is with complete trust and happiness in your relationship and just wanting to enhance it.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    amanda3334455:  If she’s not comfortable with it, she’s not comfortable with it. She gave it a go and found out she does not like it, and that is all there is to it. It is perfectly normal to not be open to an open relationship, and she should not feel at all bad about realizing she isn’t.

    If her fiance is unwilling to close the relationship (and without any bitterness or anger about it) she really ought to leave. There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who only wants you, and you alone, and that is certainly not too much to ask or too hard to find.

    As for me, I’m in the big fat no category in regards to open relationships, personally. 

    Post # 69
    Member
    2603 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2008 - County courthouse

    I don’t understand the concept. Why get married and vow to love no other and be faithful and then have sex with someone else and possibly fall in love with them. People who want that, don’t want a committed relationship, they can’t make up their minds. They want nooky on the side…but a wife at home. Personally, I don’t want to share my husband’s dick. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    So sorry for your friend.  I could NEVERR in a million years be in an open relationship.  “Hey honey I need you at home.”  “Sorry wife, I’m out with girlfriend.”  If your relationship is open I see it more as you living with a roommate than a spouse.  It’s like PP said, friends with benefits.  I love you but I don’t love you enough to not go screw someone else.

    I am completely happy in my relationship.  Every aspect, including sex. I have absolutely no desire to have sex with anyone but Fiance , forever.  

    Post # 71
    Member
    1955 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    It’s a no from me. 

    Post # 72
    Member
    1488 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    amanda3334455:  My Darling Husband and I have been together for 6 years, open for 5 and married for almost 3. It works for us but it’s very occasional and we both have no issue with closing it in the future of it doesn’t work for us at some point. 

    Post # 73
    Member
    1488 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Dogmummy:  this: “The only way to have an open relationship is with complete trust and happiness in your relationship and just wanting to enhance it.”

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    896 posts
    Busy bee

    Its a recipe for disaster. We are humans. We get jealous.

    The only way I can see it working is if the couple arent truley inlove with each other 

    Post # 75
    Member
    1114 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    amanda3334455:  sorry to hear it didn’t work out! But from your first post, they didn’t seem on the same page as to what they now wanted. 

    Im not against open marriage, because all marriages are different and what works for some won’t work for all. But something like Open Marriage has to be something both people want. I’m kind of out there, so if I was starting a new relationship I would consider keeping it open.

    Darling Husband and I actually discussed it back in the day when we first met. I’m not traditional in any sense, and we talked about a wide variety of topics, open relationships just happened to be one of them. It came up in a ‘what type of relationship do you see for yourself’ what things are important in a relationship. Monogamy was one thing for him that was very important. For that reason I can’t see turning our marriage into an open marriage. I think if we had started out open, it would be different. As young as we were and the way I saw it, being monogomous wasn’t something I needed.  

    But to now, open a ‘closed’ relationship up is harder to do, I think. I’m not saying it won’t work, but it definitely takes a different level of understanding and communication and both people have to be on the same page. I also feel like even though we never said we’d be faithful (just that it was a preference for him) it’s more understood, whereas an open relationship feels like there would be a lot of rules, boundaries and such. A lot of work to make sure you’re not going to harm the relationship itself by crossing any lines. 

    I also agree with PP’s that it shouldn’t be done to save a marriage or spice up something necessarily. Relationships in themselves are complicated enough that if there’s a struggle adding something of this magnitude can cause more harm than good in a lot of cases! 

     

    On the flip side, I don’t think I can see myself in a monogamous relationship with anyone that isn’t my Darling Husband… So if for whatever reason down the line we weren’t together I don’t think I’d be in a one on one relationship… I also wouldn’t marry anyone else If this marriage ended for any reason. 

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