Opening the Mail

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Ok. Firstly it sounds like he may be hiding debt from you.. Have you actually asked him why he has an issue with you seeing him mail?  In our house the rule is the person who it is addressed to opens it. If joint it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t mean we don’t love or trust each other.


As for the being thing. Why do you want him too so bad? SO and I have sex but don’t feel the need to pee in front of each other. I know some people do but why is it so important to you. Seems a bit weird. 

Post # 3
941 posts
Busy bee

Some people have certain boundaries that should be respected. I don’t think wanting to pee in private is odd and why does that matter anyways? You want to watch him pee? As far as mail, before we were married my husband made a comment that it was weird I opened his mail. I stopped but once we were married I said it has my name on it too now so I can open it lol. Honestly though we don’t get a ton of important mail we do all paperless billing so mail is mostly junk. I think if one person handles the bills/finances it makes sense for them to open mail.

Post # 4
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

I never open my partners mail, in the UK it’s actually an offence to open mail which isn’t addressed to you – prosecution is unlikely but no, we don’t do it. 

Post # 5
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I don’t open my fiance’s mail and vice versa. To be honest, if he opened something with my name on it I might think it a bit weird and tease him for it–it’s just not something we do. I’m not hiding debt or anything, I would just be curious why he wanted to open something for me so badly.

Also as for the peeing thing, I don’t want to pee in front of my fiance either! If he’s not comfortable doing so, I’d let him be. Some privacy is okay in a relationship, even though, yes, you do see him naked. It is his body (and mail!) still after-all.

Post # 6
1469 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you are not respecting his boundaries. 

Post # 7
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
Ashley18 :  How long have you been together? It doesn’t sound very long even though you live together. Maybe you still need time to get to know each other’s quirks with stuff you like/dislike however irrational they may seem?

Or maybe he takes more time to trust people than most? 

I can see the peeing/cleaning ass thing as strange but is he very particular about things? Sometimes our preferences don’t make sense 

The letter thing strikes me as OTT on his part, like he’s not ready to let you in BUT some people are very private about everything. He might be hiding something but it’s more likely a control freaky thing that’s part of his character…

I personally don’t like people opening my mail, even my DH, because often people forget to tell me and I lose track of important stuff. And I’d rather not have people look at my bank statements either…

Post # 8
7581 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Prior to being married and joining our accounts, I would have been annoyed if my SO opened and antelope addressed to me from my bank. I never would have opened his either.

Some people just like to keep certain thing private (like peeing for example…).

Post # 9
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m married and have no reason to open my husband’s mail. His name, he opens it. I don’t see why you think you need to open his mail. And if he doesn’t want to pee in front of you that’s his right lol..

Post # 10
5005 posts
Bee Keeper

You are not Siamese twins.  Being in a relationship does not mean that you give up your entire right to privacy, personal time, or boundaries.  You seem to have an awful hard time recognizing boundaries.  Does he even want you to pee in front of him?  It doesn’t matter if you are comfortable with it if he isn’t.  The fact that he doesn’t do it in front of you probably means he really doesnt appreciate you doing it in front of him.  Clearly there are things he wishes to remain private or to just be his.  Mail and urination seem to be two of those things.  Just because someone is willing to be open in one area of their life (sex or sharing a joint bill) doesn’t mean they want share everything about them and make it yours for the sharing all day every day.  People have a right to their autonomy.  Perhaps a conversation about boundaries and how to best respect them would be in order.

Post # 12
941 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Ashley18 :  I get where you’re coming from especially if you have one bathroom and you’re trying to get ready but just because it’s your normal doesn’t mean it’s his and you should respect it and accept it

Post # 13
1388 posts
Bumble bee

Just because it’s normal to you and you don’t have a boundary there, doesn’t mean your boyfriend should feel the same way. Some people just like to keep certain bodily functions private. I don’t pee in front of my fiance and I really don’t want him to pee in front of me. That is something I’m not comfortable with even though we’ve seen eachother naked and he’s seen me in a very vulerable state.

As for the mail, I like opening my own mail and making sure that I keep track of it. I like making my own decisions about whether something is important or not. And before we had joint accounts I wanted my personal finances to stay that way, personal. And regardless of living situation, it is still a crime to open mail meant for someone else.

You really need to respect your boyfriend’s boundaries even if they don’t make sense to you. He gets to set them and you don’t get to try to change them or make him feel bad for them.

Post # 14
10391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Just because you have sex and live together doesn’t mean you get a free pass to invade his privacy. If he doesn’t want to pee in front of you, he doesn’t want to pee in front of you. If he doesn’t want you to open his mail, don’t open his mail. 

I do think his reaction to you opening the mail might have been over the top but you seem to have trouble respecting his boundaries in general so I wonder if it’s more the straw that broke the camel’s back situation as opposed to him really being that concerned about you opening his mail.

Post # 15
13262 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think you are out of line on both counts. It’s totally reasonable for your Boyfriend or Best Friend to expect you to stay out of mail that’s addressed to him. 

Re: the bathroom thing, not everyone grew up the way you did. Some people prefer a degree of privacy related to bathroom functions. 

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