Post # 1
My favorite band of unbiased ladies. I have a problem I would like to consult you all about. Let me preface this by saying that I think the reason I am so bent out of shape about this is because this is not the first offense with this particular friend. Over the years I have been there for her and have given to our friendship selflessly, but time and time again, I feel that it is not reciprocated. I won’t bore you all with the details, but this friend has done a lot of really selfish things in the past.
The scenario is this: I have a group of three close friends, my little sister, “Becca”, “Cynthia”, and “Sandra”. Cynthia and Sandra are my best friends from college and they both became very close to my little sister, Becca. We all call each other best friends. My sister Becca and my friend Sandra are a lot alike and often will do their own things outside of the core group themselves, which is fantastic. I love how close they are.
So yesterday, my sister messages me at work upset because our mutual friend Sandra is apparently dating one of my sister’s old love interests. Now, I want to say that I think that no one has the right to claim a man just because you had a crush on them and maybe had a few fun nights together. I mean even if the person is a true ex, you cannot “claim” them forever. However, wouldn’t you want your best friend to tell you that she was seeing someone you used to be romantically involved with? I just feel that Sandra at least owed it to my sister at the minimum a heads up, instead of finding out the hard way through social media. I know this isn’t even about me, but she hurt my sister, and that hurts me. Although my sister is upset, she does not want to confront Sandra. I do agree with her that it really isn’t worth stirring the pot over something like this, but Sandra has gotten away with a lot of “small instances” in the past.
I understand how juvenile this all sounds, but I can’t help but feel bummed out by all of this. I think a lot of it has to do with past offenses, but this is just kind of the last straw for me. I really don’t want to get in the middle of this because honestly, it is between them and none of my business. I know this is a non-issue for some people, but I am in the camp of treating your best friends like they are the most important people in the world. I just wish she’d been upfront about it, that’s all. It’s okay that they are together and I would not feel this way if she had just been honest.
I don’t know bees, I guess I just wanted to vent. Would this bother anyone else? It’s going to be difficult for me to sweep this under the rug and act like nothing happened.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Post # 2
I dated a friend’s ex before (not a close friend, but still) and asked her how she felt before I agreed to go out with him. I can’t think of an ex I would have a problem with a friend dating, so it wouldn’t bother me personally, but I do think it’s nice to at least give your friend a heads up. Not sure what can be done about it at this point though.
Post # 3
So, this is someone your sister didn’t even date? Is this fresh or something from like years ago? Either way, I don’t think there is much grounds to be upset. It would have been nice to have a heads up about it but I can see why she didn’t do that. Perhaps she thought it was just going to be a fun fling and she didn’t need to mention it and now its turning more serious, who knows. Either way, I would look at this seperately from anything thats happened in the past.
Post # 4
Why would the friend need to say something? This is just odd. Yes, you are right. This is very junior school
Post # 5
Wouldn’t even show up on my radar….I get that in certain circumstances its not always nice to see that a former flame moved on – but you did too, right?
I think its also a little unreasonable to expect a friend to consult with you before pursuing a relationship with another consenting adult just because it didn’t work out between the two of you…
That doesn’t mean your friend’s feelings aren’t perfectly understandable….and if the woman in question has a less than stellar track record maybe its time to take 1- big steps back and let her do her from a safe distance.
Post # 6
To answer some questions, the relationship between my sister and this man was less than a year ago. I know people will say it shouldn’t be an issue, but I have a hard time believing most people wouldn’t be a little peeved if their best friend did this. She knew how much my sister liked this guy and still decided to start dating him behind her back. She can date him fine, but be considerate and at least tell my little sister first. I mean would you guys be okay doing this to a friend? I wouldn’t. I would at least give my best friend a heads up.
Post # 7
I can understand your sister being a little upset as it’s kind of a weird sitution to be in and it had to have been strange to find out on social media. I don’t think Sandra necessarily needed your sister’s permission to date this guy but I do think it would’ve been nice if she had given your sister a call and gave her a heads up. That being said, I don’t think it’s worth a huge confrontation over.
For what it’s worth, I found myself completely smitten with a friend’s ex from high school whom we were all still close with. I knew I was going to end up dating this guy and figured my friend wouldn’t care since it had been so long ago but talked to her about it first. She was cool with it and appreciated our talk/that I was trying to take her feelings into account. That boyfriend is now my fiance.
Post # 8
Sorry, but I’m going to be tough on you.
1) It’s not “giving to our friendship selflessly” if you expect her to reciprocate.
2) There’s a million reasons she could have not told your sister she was dating him. It’s not her business anyways. Sandra is (presumably) an adult and gets to decide who she dates. She doesn’t need to ask permission from your sister.
This all seems juvenile, but it’s not coming from her, it’s coming from the expectation that your sister somehow had dibs and deserved an explanation.
Post # 9
What exactly was the relationship with your sister and this guy? Were they a “couple”? Where they hooking up? Was it a one night stand (or a couple night stand)? Did she have a big crush on him and he wasn’t interested? Did she end things with him, or did he end things with her?
Post # 10
they dated, but briefly. He ended the relationship and it took her a while to move on. I get where you all are coming from and agree, I guess she doesn’t owe my sister anything, but me personally, I know I’d want a heads up from someone I know knew about the relationship. I never said she needed premission at all.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You say the relationship between this man and your sister was pretty recent, but you don’t actually clarify that they were in a monogamous relationship. Were they just casually dating?
Also I don’t think anyone is obligated to get their relationship signed off on by outside parties or notify others. Once a relationship ends, it ends, and people are free to pursue whatever romantic interest they have. A heads up would have been an appreciated courtesy for sure, but I don’t think it’s required and agree that it’s not worth making a fuss over.
Post # 12
No, I am actually with you…as someone who has been both the shitty friend and the person in your sister’s position, I do think there is an unwritten respect between friends…personally, I think there are enough other people in the world to date, that it isn’t worth the hurt feelings between friends, but if you REALLY think this could be “the guy”, I think you owe it to your friend to discuss it…and recognize it could be the end of the friendship. I wish I could “do over” some of my poor dating decisions…99% of these “relationships” don’t work out – not worth the damage to the friendship!
Post # 13
Sorry, but what good would that ‘heads up’ have done? Your sister would have been just as butthurt about it and now the reason to be mad at Sandra would be about rubbing the relationship in her face.
It’s not like your sister is separated but still married to the guy and Sandra secretly got involved with him before divorce papers were drawn up, or found out they eloped two weeks after her relationship with him ended. There is no “behind her back” here. She’s not entitled to be briefed daily on her friends’ love lives, and this context doesn’t qualify as some kind of overlapping romance.
Post # 14
If my best friend started dating someone, I hope that I wouldn’t find out via social media, regardless of whether or not I had feelings for them in the past. I totally think it’s reasonable for your sister to be upset. The friend definitely didn’t need to ask for permission, but a heads up would have been the right thing to do. And I think it’s okay for you to be peeved about it, even though it’s not your business – you seem self aware enough to know that your resentment for her stems beyond this incident. Probably not worth it for your sister to bring it up (and definitely not for you), but I don’t think a “Hey, I’m super happy for you, X is a great dude, hope this is a rewarding & fulfilling relationship, but I wish I hadn’t found out via social media” would be completely remiss. I guess it could come off as passive aggressive, though.
Post # 15
I’m surprised by so many of the comments… I think it really comes down to how close Sandra is with your sister, and based on your story, they sound pretty close. The closer you are, the more reason you SHOULD give a heads up if you respect that friendship.
No one is saying that the Sandra needs to ASK her sister for permission. But a heads up would’ve been the right thing to do. I’m sure the sister would’ve rather heard it from her then social media. This isn’t a matter of asking for permission but rather just being considerate of your friend’s feelings… because you know… that’s kind of important in a friendship.