Post # 1
I’m new to Weddingbee, and I was wondering if you could help me with something. My boyfriend and I have been dating about 2 years, and we have not brought up marriage within the context our relationship. What’s the way you guys approached your first conversation with one another about marriage/ even thinking about getting married? I, personally, am not ready for marriage yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s a fabulous guy who I wouldn’t mind marrying someday. At the same time, I’d rather have the topic on the table if/when it does become something important.
Thanks in advance girls!
Post # 3
I would just bring it up marriage in general. Like maybe you see a cute kid at the store, you might say “one day i hope I can get married and have a cute kid like that.” or “You see that old couple? I hope I am that happy when I am old.” The important thing is to personalize the conversation. Make it about you and see what his response is. You could also just ask him if he plans to get married someday. The important part is to not sound like you are wanting him to propose. Do you have a timeline or age you would like to get married at? or possibly after you complete some personal goals first? It is important to know those things about yourself and be able to discuss them with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Goodluck.
Post # 4
Maybe be casual about it. I hate to admit it but it was brought up on our first date. We met on eharmony and he flew to see me. I ended up spending the week with him on the beach and on the last night we both had too much to drink and I asked, so what chance do I have of marrying you? He said oh about a 20% chance.
That became our joke, so every once in awhile id ask my percentage and it would go up. When we got to 100% I knew a proposal was coming. He needed time to pick out a ring so he made me wait till 200% for the real proposal. It was adorable.
Anyways, I really think a lighthearted approach, just a casual comment could be the ticket.
Post # 5
We have always just kind of talked about it… probably most seriously 3 months into the relationship because people kept asking when we were going to get married!
Before I met him I had actually always said I would never get married. So he joked “But I thought you weren’t the marrying kind” and I said that I never thought I would meet someone I loved enough to marry!
Given that you arent ready for marriage, I would just ask him one day if he sees you two getting married some day?
Post # 6
Do you talk about the future in general? I would bring up where you are going from here – moving in, buying a place, getting a dog – whatever it is that means future to you and see how he reacts. If he is good with you about making plans that require some kind of commitment – maybe talk about what kind of commitment that means.
I like Edisongirl’s idea too. I wouldn’t say something like where do you see yourself in five years but something to that effect would give you a chance to see where he sees his future. Also, make it clear that you aren’t pushing anything so he doesn’t feel pressured.
Post # 7
We’re both part of an obscenely long graduate school program, (don’t worry – we get stipends), and we’re both coming to a point where there’s going to be a nice lull for a couple years before craziness starts up again. And it just seems like a good time to bring the subject up about where our relationship is going – and let it percolate in both of our brains on its own time. I still feel a little young/inexperienced/not ready for marriage, but I half wonder if the reason I feel this way is more because our relationship hasn’t gotten to that point yet and less because I’m not ready, if you know what I mean? Almost that I can’t make an informed opinion on what marriage is if I don’t know to whom or what I’d be consenting to.
Conversations about the future are actually hard – because the graduate program is so long, both of us know we’ll be here a while, and ostensibly, dating one another barring extreme future circumstances which are unpredictable. So, to actually talk about the future effectively, we’re trying to talk 4-6 years down the road after graduate school is over which doesn’t feel like anywhere close right now, and definitely not worth planning for, when neither of us knows/ can know where he’ll go first and where i’d go next afterwards (I’m behind him by a couple years). And so that’s also unpredictable.
But I get the point of just asking. Huh… wonder if it’s just that simple?
Post # 8
Are you living together? For us that move meant talking about the future generally and what the step meant. Also, when we started being invited to weddings together 🙂
Post # 9
It really is that simple. You’re smart to bring it up BEFORE you are seriously resentful/desperate for a proposal. I think I waited too long, LOL!
But knowing you’re on the same page is a relief. And knowing that your relationship solid enough to talk aout this in a calm fashion is also important.
Post # 10
It wasn’t very simple for me to bring it up. I desperately wanted to wait until he brought it up. But he never did. After about a year and a half I blew up and told him that I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to marry me. It turns out that he did (does) want to marry me, he just thought you didn’t bring it up until the proposal.
So maybe that was the wrong way to have that conversation, but who brings up marriage for the first time DURING THE PROPOSAL?
With some guys, unfortunately the girl has to bring it up first.
Post # 11
For us, we were moving away together about a year after we started dating. So of course it was brought up that it would one day happen. (I’m still waiting for that one day.. two year later!) But anyways… it is as simple as just asking. Esp. if you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend have an open relationship. And if you aren’t ready for marriage or a proposal then it shouldn’t freak him out if he’s not ready either. I just made it clear that I wanted to know it would happen in the future, so I wouldn’t be “wasting” my time. Good luck =)
Post # 12
@mountain.bride: No, we are not living together, and have no plans to do so anytime soon. I wouldn’t want to unless we were engaged anyways. That’s a fight I just don’t feel like picking with my parents… We do however, get invited to weddings together. Interestingly enough, some of our friends just send me the invitation, and assume I’ll make my boyfriend go. And despite the fact that he was in a wedding earlier this year, and we’ve been invited to ~5, it hasn’t spurred the conversation.
It wouldn’t surprise me if I had to bring it up first, because, while I didn’t have to ask him out or say I love you first, he did have to get some liquid courage before that stuff started pouring out. Hmm… that’s a strategy. Maybe, liquor him up first? 😉 Lol
Post # 13
Lol! Maybe, but not too much liquor 😉 it’s an important conversation…you don’t want to say something you’ll regret.