(Closed) Opinions about asking my gay friend to officiate

posted 11 years ago in LGBTQ
Post # 17
26 posts
  • Wedding: May 2011

I actually wanted this for my wedding.  I live in canada so it is legal here. But i like the quiet political statement that it makes by having someone who is homosexual officiant the marriage.

not that a wedding is a time for political statements, i wouldn’t have made a big deal of it, but it would’ve meant something to my Fiance and I as it would align with our personal beliefs. We had a hard time finding someone who was homosexual to officiant our wedding (you can’t just get ordained in canada the same way you can in the US) – so in the end we scrapped that idea.

But in your case, and considering he is a good friend, i say go for it definitely, I bet he would be honoured.

Post # 18
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Prop 8 is currently at the 9th Circuit appeals level.  We are waiting on an appeals decision, which will be in the next few months.  From there, they will likely stay the decision until the case is brought to the Supreme Court.  Whether the Supreme Court will actually hear the case is anyones guess.  But either way, same-sex marriage will likely not be legal in California within the next year.  I would guess it will be legal in late 2011, early 2012 if not heard by the SC, and later than that if it is. 

Back to your question, as someone is not able to legally marry in California (and therefore having a destination wedding elsewhere)  I would be open to performing the ceremony.  I would ask him and let him know that you are aware of the current inequality and that you totally understand if he is not comfortable performing the ceremony.  I think as long as you let him know that you are supportive of his rights, and that you are aware of the current state of things, I’m sure he would love to do it.  But yes, I can totally see why you are asking, because if someone had asked me to perform their wedding immediately after Prop 8, I probably would have punched them.  But it’s been a couple of years, and things are moving in the right direction so I’m sure he will be more open to it. 

Post # 19
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why dont you just ask him how HE feels, and acknowledge the prop 8 complication? Only he knows how he would feel about it, and obviously he knows that you are open and accepting of him and his feelings on the subject. I think you should talk to him.

Post # 20
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think it would be offensive, but you know your friend better than we do.  Can’t hurt to ask him.

Post # 21
3968 posts
Honey bee

Two of my best friends are gay and we got into a lot of discussions about marriage during my engagement period.  I was feeling a lot of guilt about being able to be married and also having them actively participate in the wedding.  Long story short – they were both THRILLED I was getting married and fully supported it.  The angst is not with the institution of marriage but with the fact the current law does not allow it for them.  That said – they had no issue with the fact I was getting married and whole-heartedly supported it.  

I think your friend would be honored you asked – regardless of what he decides!

Post # 22
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I also think it would be an honor for you to ask him, but just be up-front about your hesitation and tell him that if he feels awkward in any way at all, that you don’t want to put him in bad position. As messed up as it is that he can’t legally be married to someone he’s in love with, he can still have a ceremony with that person and appreciate the beauty of committing one’s life to someone else forever. I’m not saying that should be enough for him; I’m just saying that simply because he can’t make his legal doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to officiate yours. Communication=key. 🙂

Post # 23
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

The Ninth Circuit is currently “seeking clarification from the California Supreme Court as to whether private litigants can pursue this case when the State does not appeal the federal district court order.” So it actually could be over in a few weeks if NOM (National Org. for Marriage) is told they can’t pursue the case in place of the State of CA.


I would also ask him. I don’t think he’ll find it offensive if you’re very close and have known him for so long. 🙂

Post # 24
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heritage Square Museum

Ask him! I think it’s both an honor and a lovely statement (of sorts). If you think he might be uncomfortable, well, just ask or mention that you would understand why he might be,


my guess is he’ll be honored and excited! 

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