(Closed) Opinions about not being “plus one’d”?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completely understand your feeling slighted.  However, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say that I also understand boyfriend’s friend’s viewpoint.  After beginning to plan a wedding, “just one more guest” does begin to add up.  It also seems that she doesn’t know you very well.  Regardless, as I mentioned, I’d still be a bit angry, but I think you handled it VERY respectfully. 

Post # 4
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, I’m on the other end of this. We’re the bride & groom that has had to make hard decisions regarding inviting some of our most dearest of friends. We’re paying for the wedding ourselves and budgeting 80 guests at $120+ per person. Some of my closest friends have been in a relationship for a year or so but they aren’t living together nor engaged. We had to make some very hard choices and NOT invite their boyfriends or girlfriends. If we did make exceptions to this rule, either we wouldn’t be able to invite some immediate relatives or we would be in a few thousand dollars of debt. I sometimes feel that until the actual guest is planning a paying for a wedding themselves, they don’t understand all the costs involved.

Post # 5
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It would be different if y’all were engaged, but bf/gf’s of my friends would be the first person I would cut if my guest list was tight. I’m sorry you’re feeling bummed though, I know it stinks! 

Post # 7
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hmmm I wouldn’t feel slighted only because you aren’t engaged. Do you live together by chance? If so I would have probably invited the two of you, but in weddings there are definitely difficult choices to be made and I would feel extremely slighted if someone invited M to a wedding but not me. But I would understand kwim?

Post # 8
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I must say, I have a lot of respect for the way you handled it. There aren’t many people out there who would go back to verify the “guest indicator” on the invite, and then address the issue head on. In general, it seems that people interpret invites as they see fit and leave it at that. You rock!

I understand how you’re feeling. Maybe it’s a consolation knowing that it’s in no way personal and simply a line they had to draw across the board for their guest list.

Post # 9
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Personally, I felt that it was really important to invite people’s significant others to our wedding since it can create hard feelings.  

But I do believe that current etiquette rules allow brides to limit the guest list to engaged, living together or married couples.  However, when I was in significant long term relationships I would have declined any wedding invitation that didn’t include my significant other (especially if it required a plane trip).  Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this?  I’d have been kind of sad if my boyfriend had flown to a wedding I wasn’t invited to.

Post # 10
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

professorbee has a point. Although I wouldn’t feel slighted, I’d be pissed if he actually went….

Post # 12
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I completely agree with Prof! I dont know that i would want my Boyfriend or Best Friend going to the wedding in another city when im not invited!

Frustrating that it wasnt clarified on the Save the Date about only your partner being invited!

Post # 13
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

BW4606: You could always invite her and not her husband 😀

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I understand you feelings.  We just discussed the plus 1 today.  My Fiance is giving everyone a plus one since they are traveling from out of town.  I didn’t for friends that are currently single.  I did do plus one for anyone dating for 6 months or more.  It does stink for her to have talked it up about the wedding in front of you and then not include you. 

Post # 15
Hostess
16215 posts
Honey Beekeeper

BW, I know how you feel. My fiance and I do not believe in living together before we’re married (not saying that those who do are wrong by any means; it’s just not for us) and I agree that sometimes you are seen as a less serious or legitimate couple. Even though we got engaged about five months ago, some people still question our decision not to live together, as if it makes our engagement less committed.

Since we’ve been engaged, my Fiance was invited to a wedding to which I was not. I was hurt, just as you are. You have a right to be hurt. But now, looking at my own guest list, we had to say “well maybe if they’re not engaged by the time we send out invites, we won’t invite significant others.” We haven’t decided for sure yet, but it did cross our minds. We were mostly thinking of significant others whom we don’t know well. And from the bride-side of it, I can promise you this: For the couples we mentioned, I never once considered their significant others to be LESS significant just because they aren’t engaged/living together. It honestly is no reflection on any of their relationships — simply a method of trimming the guest list and cost.

I know it stinks being treated like you aren’t on the same level as the engaged/living together couples, but try not to take it personally. I do not think it was an intentional slight. And don’t worry — your day will come when you get to be the fiance/bride/etc with the man of your dreams…and that is really what is most important.

Post # 16
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

I completely understand how you must feel.  But I can say that after seeing what my sister went through with her guest list, I respect that the bride and groom are trying to keep their guest list from getting out of control.  The only thing I have a problem with is the rule itself, “married, engaged, or living together.”  Me and the mister have been together for almost two years, and we don’t live together because I don’t want to live with him before we’re married.  Though we’ve haven’t run into problems bc all our friends know that we’re serious, even though we don’t live together. Oh well.  If one of us got an invitation without a guest, we probably wouldn’t go (provided we weren’t in the wedding)–when you’re in a LDR, the time you get on the weekends is like gold, and it would not be fun for either of us to be separated. 

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