Post # 1
After two years of living together and a baby, I need to have a serious talk with my boyfriend about marriage. I’ve tried times before and he blows it off. What do you think is the best way to get him to really talk about it without getting him overwhelmed or pressured? The nonchalant start doesn’t work, if I bring up so and so or this is what I would want doesn’t work.
Post # 3
I guess a addressed this in your other post earlier… I think you should have the talk as soon as possible.
I would first assess if you two want to be together forever before discussing marriage. If you decide that you want to be together, then discuss a timeline for marriage. Maybe he is not ready right now, but if you can agree on some sort of timeline that you would both be comfortable with, it will calm your worries, let you enjoy your relationship and solidify it before you enter marriage together.
You say when you bring your future up, he blows it off. How do you bring it up?
Post # 4
Give him every chance to not blow you off. Mid week, you could say, this weekend, I’d like us to really sit down and talk about our family and our plans for the next few years. Get him primed for it so he can’t be busy or say it’s not a good time. If he still won’t have a serious non-avoiding talk with you then I think you have your answer… not gonna happen any time soon.
Post # 5
@prettyflowers: I second that!! Great advice.
Post # 6
@egb:we’ve had that talk and he tells me he wants to be with me forever…
on the time line, i convienced him about six months ago that waiting 7 more years is ridiculous, but we agreed on when i’m out of school in 2.5 years..
he knows i want a min. 2 year engagement, to enjoy it and plan it all out..
but that means he needs to propose in the next six months for that to work out and he’s still avoiding any and every conversation about marriage…
he’s a new car salesman, so tonight i’m going to play out a scenario in which i’m the “car” and ask him questions like, “what’s keeping you from buying this model today?” “this model is a perfect fit for you, it’s reliable, fun, and a real beauty..”
Post # 7
I think the car analogies would be a very bad way of bringing up this conversation. First of all, you aren’t a car, you aren’t trying to sell yourself to him (and if you are, why?). Second of all, he’s an adult, he doesn’t need you to speak to him in riddles and analogies.
If you’ve already had a talk and agreed when you’re out of school, he may be thinking of proposing when you’re out of school.
Post # 8
Ok, so you have agreed that you’d get married in about 2 and a half years, he knows that for that to happen, he’d have to propose within 6 months.
What exactly do you want to talk about, or get out of that talk?
I think if you already agreed on a timeline, then you have to drop the subject, enjoy the relationship, and revisit the subject if he hasn’t proposed by the time you agreed on. For now, talking about it won’t change anything.
Post # 9
I agree with prettyflowers. Men need direct and honest communication. If you dance around the subject, he’ll continue to put it off.
Post # 10
I’m a bit confused. It seems from your other post that he isn’t ready for marriage, and he’s told you such. Having a conversation about it will not change the outcome. If he’s told you that he wants to be with you forever (and you believe him), constantly talking about marriage and engagements is only going to put it off further since he has said that he isn’t ready yet. And just out of curiosity, did you agree that you WOULD get married in 2.5 years or that is the earliest that he/you would be ready? Those are two very different scenarios. Maybe he sees that you finishing college is the earliest he would consider it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to get engaged within the 6 months and married 2 years after that, just that he would consider that to be a good time to *BEGIN* thinking about getting engaged? Also, i do not recommend getting engaged now if he isn’t ready to get married, even if you intend to have a long engagement. I think you’ll both end up really hurt in that situation. My best advice to you is find out his timeline for marriage so you have an idea, and then just let.it.go. But if he is not ready, you need to decide what is best for you. Dropping hints might work in some situations, but let’s be serious – you already have a child together, have already discussed marriage, he KNOWS you’re thinking about it, so dropping hints is only going to annoy him.
And honestly, I think there is nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer. You are so young, and just because you have a child together does not mean you need to get married any sooner. I know you want your child to have parents who are married, but I think its more important in the long run that the parents are ready for marriage and that commitment.
Also, for the future, I would suggest posting this in the “waiting” Board, there are lots of us over there who are waiting on a proposal so you’re bound to get all sorts of advice from those who are in sort of similar situations.
Post # 11
So we talked last night for the five minutes I could squeeze out of him, and then a little this morning.. What I thought we agreed on, after I finish school, is completely different in his mind. I was thinking right after graduation before I start working that way we wouldn’t have to stress about me trying to get vacation in a new job. But he told me today that he wants to wait until after I’m out of school and working, and since we’ll be moving to where ever my new job is, he’ll have to get a new job at another dealership. So… he added in he wants to have a clientel built up before hand, and that takes years! I just keep having the same thought in the back of my mind that this isn’t what I want. I don’t want him to eventually come around to the idea, I want him to jump at the thought of marrying me.
I do have a promise ring, but the way I got it was…
We were at wal-mart and looking in electronics, and he passed a laptop and said he wanted one. Of course I said no because I wasn’t working and he was making 300 a week then, and I already had a laptop why did we need another?! Well he was mad and kind of iced me out. That night he brought it back up and said “If we can’t afford a laptop then we can’t afford your v-day present” of course I said “What?!”… and he told me about the ring, but that he wasn’t going to get it now because of everything… eventually he came around and got it, but no romance what so ever.. we were together to pick it up and he just handed me the box..
Post # 12
@Alkealru: He is passive-aggressive…uh, I’d get out now.