(Closed) Opinions on age at engagement/age at marriage/first love

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 107
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@jellybeangreen246:  I’m a firm believer that other people should do whatever makes them happy. I really think that each couple has a unique situation. What has worked for Darling Husband and myself might be terribly wrong for another couple. I just don’t believe in blanket statements that begin with “everyone should…” or “no one should…” IMO it’s none of my business what other people choose to do. There are plenty of people who get married at 24 and are perfectly happy, for example. The same applies with those that marry their high school sweetheart, etc. Just to be clear, I got married at 26 and dated quite a bit before settling down with Darling Husband. I just don’t think that everyone should or shouldn’t do the same. People have to do what works for them!

Post # 108
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

i think people need to just stop being so judgemental of others choices. looking at the statistics mrs mink posted, the best option is to wait until you’re over 60. you cant live your life by statistics or you’d never do anything! 

the only thing iv seen posted on this thread that i agree with is that you should wait at least a year to get married. and i believe this makes sense for anyone at any age for you to truly get know each other.

other than that i think people are capable of deciding whats best for them and when. if it doesnt work out thats really unfortunate, but hopefully its something they can learn from. although like a pp said, divorce rates for third marriages are very high. i assume this is not due to youth or marrying your first love??

Post # 109
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

Generally speaking, I believe that you shouldn’t marry your first love, but that’s mostly because chances are very low it’s the right person. But although first loves are rarely suited to marriage, sometimes it works out, and not just in our parent’s and grandparent’s generations. I am in this situation – I have known since the very beginning that he was “the one”, and it didn’t take my boyfriend much longer to realize it.

Not just that, but our relationship is in a place that most would consider to be “not worth the struggle” for a seventeen and an eighteen year-old couple. We’ve been long-distance since about four months in, and so far (knock on wood; we’re not quite seven months in), it’s been quite manageable. The fact that he’s in high school and I’m in university is a non-issue – I mean, we both live off of our parents at this point. But I should say that we have a very solid relationship otherwise, and our distance isn’t the biggest (I’m about three or four hours away by car or bus), so I can visit pretty frequertly.

As for marriage and engagement, that’s even harder to put an age on. All I believe is that first loves that met at a similar age to my boyfriend and I should hold off on engagement for a few years and definitely take some time to get married. In our case, we probably won’t get married until about seven or eight years in, and we’d probably get engaged only shortly beforehand, since we are considering elopement when the time comes. Marriage should always be 18 and up, but I can see engagement having a little more wiggle room in certain cases, such as a 17 year-old with a slightly older significant other in the military.

Post # 110
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Fantastagirl:  Exactly this. I am not marrying the first guy I thought I was in love with thank God, but I am marrying the guy who I have known since I was 12 years old, we had middle school crushes on each other back then. I will be 21 when we get married and he will be 22. I feel no need to go out and party and hook up/date other guys. I am very happy with him. I can have wild and crazy adventures with him anways. 🙂

Post # 111
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Eckle:  I find the OP”s and other comments on here offensive as well. It’s just very judgemental for others to decide whether or not a couple should not get married simply because they are young and first loves. And basing it off of their own experiences is invalid as well because that’s THEIR experience. Everyone’s situation is different.

Darling Husband and I kinda have the same response when people say young people don’t know what they want and we’re too young: “Well, I guess we just knew what we wanted at a much younger age.” Call us naive, call us stupid, call us whatever you want. Everyone that personally knows us knows we are intelligent, level-headed, and mature individuals. And they fully supported our young marriage. I know for a fact that I am much more mature and able to handle a marriage than people I know that are older than 25.

Post # 112
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Luvdisc:  I always find it interesting when people say the military life is a good reason for a younger marriage. Both my husband and I have been in the military, he left it a couple years ago after serving 13 years, and still cannot understand this mentality. Many people in the military marry young but also often divorce young. It is a very different lifestyle that takes a lot of commitment & maturity to work through together so many of these younger ones are NOT ready for it, older partner or not.

There are other ways to stay together and so on without marriage before you are ready.

I don’t agree that anyone should marry just because of some external factor (military, immigration, etc). If you are not ready individually or as a couple getting married for one of those reasons is a bad, bad idea.

Post # 113
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

@RayKay:  +1 I am going to have to agree with you on this one.

Coming from a military family, I have seen way too many situations in which a couple married young and divorced young because they were not ready for marriage. I do not think it was solely because of age, but because they rushed the relationship due to external circumstances.

Post # 114
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Statistics show that second marriages have a divorce rate somewhere around 60-67%. Should they never get married again?

Every statistical group has differing rates of divorce. Interracial couples have a higher rate of divorce, Catholics have a lower rate of divorce. My point it that you can’t look at arbitrary numbers and decide a couple’s fate. You can only predict it.

If a young couple works to reduce stressors in their life, like financial problems. They have a good chance to staying together. If an older couple has a history of divorce, and a lot of debt, they don’t have a good chance of staying together.

Ages do have similar life issues, but people are entirely too complex to base everything on age, or the number of people one has dated.

Frankly, people usually think whatever they have had success with, is what will work for everyone. That’s simply not true. Just because you did not get married young, and you didn’t marry your first love doesn’t mean that no one should.

Post # 115
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

When I was 15 years old, I fell in love with a 19 year old. Obviously not the depths of love I feel now, but young love nonetheless. I have loved him ever since, our love strengthening and growing in new ways as we grow up together. Now we are 19 and 23 and will be engaged next year. We have stayed true to each other and kept our promise of waiting for sex until our wedding night. We have become stronger not only as a unit but as individual people. We have overcome financial, emotional and physical struggles and we’ve done it all side-by-side. I would never risk this life of real and true love that I have with him just to “realize what a good, healthy relationship is” since obviously I know nothing about that. /sarcasm

Post # 116
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Also, this is something that bothers me. Why do we try to perpetuate youth, and then get mad at them when they actually act like idiots? Why do we stigmatize young adults who want to actually act like the adults they are.  18-26 year olds  are allowed to live in some kind of perpetual childhood where parents pay for everything, and they have no responsibilities to anyone.

When people don’t act like this, they are looked at negatively because of it. Not everyone was raised to believe that it is okay to go wild in college, and make stupid choices just because of your age. Likely, the people who were raised to act responsibly, are having successful marriages at younger ages.

 

Post # 117
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

@Follydust321:  +1 i totally agree with what you’ve said! act young, you’re immature and stupid. act older, you’re still immature and pretending to be a grown up. us young uns cant win!

Post # 118
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@RayKay:  Thank you for sharing this. Your post truly gave me hope. I am 30 and recently came out of a 5 yr long relationship. I’m on my own now and when I read about people having 8 or 9 year long relationships since high school and getting married and living happily everafter, while I’m really happy for them a part of me despairs. Even if I find a man now, I can’t go back to high school and share my life with him all over again. So thank you, your post reassured me that it isn’t the end of the world and there is still hope. 

Post # 119
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I would honestly like to know where you find out what age you stop developing and become who you’re going to be the rest of your life. As far as I know, you NEVER stop growing/maturing/changing…that’s a normal part of life. If I decided to wait until I had ‘developed’ myself completely, I guess I’d be staying single.

Post # 120
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I think the younger you are, the longer you should be together in order to get engaged. If you start dating a 21, it probably makes sense to date 3-4 years before getting engaged. If you are 25, a year or two seems like a reasonable amount of time.

I got married to my high school sweetheart after 1.5 years at 19 years old. I was divorced at 23. Had I dated him for an extra year or two, I never would have married him. You grow and change so much in that time, had I waited longer, I would have realized we weren’t capable of growing and changing together. 

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