Post # 1
I was just wondering what the general, and potentially “modern” view is on thank you cards?
My friend got married back in July, and said in the following weeks she was working on the thank you cards, but they never appeared (shes hugely flaky).
When i was over for a Christmas get together she said she has finally written all the cards, but (and i quote) “I have only done cards for people who got us proper presents”
I sort of laughed it off and saved face by replying that it probably means more to older guests anyway, but am i wrong to think this is hugely rude?
My FH and i spent about £250 to attend the wedding, I spent a good £200 on her hen do, plus i organized it all, and we spent about £100 on their gift, which i know to many isn’t a lot but as we recently bought out first home and are saving for our own wedding money was tight.
Am i wrong to think its really rude to not send a thank you card to everyone? I have grown to expect this from her, but i wasn’t sure if im just living in the dark ages.
Surely every gift, or even attendance, is worth a thank you?
Post # 2
idontevenknow : WTF is a “proper present?”
Post # 3
I mean, I always feel weird when I receive thank you cards. They are usually from peopel I am good friends with and have seen in the intervening time several times so it feels oddly formal.
My sense of the “state of the etiquite” is that you are expected to send a thank you to people who give you presents, but not necessarily to people who attend the wedding. (And when you think about it logically, it isn’t obvoius why you should— as a guest you spend money to come, but as a host you spend money to host. Why should the host send a thank you to the guest for the former, but the guest not send a thank you to the host for the latter?)
Post # 4
idontevenknow : thank you notes are only needed for the gift because the reception IS the thank you for attending the ceremony. Your friend needs to get her shit together and write out thank yous for all the gifts she received like….yesterday.
Post # 5
llevinso : Yupppp – my thoguhts exactly. From what she said, i think she means people that gave them large amounts of cash..
personaperson : Thats fair, i can see it maybe isnt necessary, but i think if youre going to the trouble of doing them for some, whats the harm in doing it for everyone? Totally agree re the attendance though, i think thats balanced.
Post # 6
idontevenknow : This woman sounds really rude. Why would she even say something like that to you? Everyone that gave a gift should be sent a thank you card.
Post # 7
idontevenknow : We did things a bit untraditional, so we did not want gifts but of course people still brought cash, or wine, or random gifts that they chose and we made a point to send a Thank You card to everyone who brought anything, and anyone who traveled for our special day.
I think your friend is really rude, she should be sending a thank you card to each person who brought her a gift. Her attitude really, really sucks here.
Post # 8
I’m not sure what she means by “proper”? Like if it wasnt enough she wont send a thank you? Or is she just sending a thank you for those who gave a gift?
The later is okay. I dont see anything wrong with sending a thank you to those who just attended as well, but for some reason .its “gift grabby” around here.
But if shes only sending a thank you for people who gifted a certain amount of money or something, that’s just plain rude.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
idontevenknow : SO RUDE.
I am a huge stickler for thank you cards being sent appropriately. They should be sent in an adequate amount of time, be personalized, hand written and not be combined with any other card or annoucement of sort.
To have such a huge time prior to sending and selectively sending thank you cards is unimaginably rude In My Humble Opinion. I would be hugely offended at her actions and statement.
Regardless of if a guest gets you a gift or not, you should send them a thank you for attending your wedding. You may not know what lengths they went to, to attend your wedding or what their situation is, but they still made the effort to be a part of a special day you will never forget.
Post # 10
‘Proper present????’ What?
Everyone who gave a gift should receive a timely thank you card!
I got married in August and had a Destination Wedding. I gave everyone who attended the Destination Wedding a thank you card (present or no present) as although we fully hosted a wedding, the guests travelled and used personal holiday time to be with us. Most spent 3-4 days with us. We ensured that if they did also give a present, that we referenced the gift in the card eg ‘thanks for the…..’
We also had a reception here in the UK for those who didn’t/couldn’t attend the Destination Wedding. We gave a thank you to all of those who brought a gift. We didn’t however send a thank you to those who attended but didn’t give a gift. My rational was the same as a PP. We hosted the reception so the thank you was specifically for the gift.
For the ladies who attended my hen, they all received goody bags and a thank you card for attending. I didn’t host this. They all spent time and money in attending and planning.
My work colleagues didn’t attend (they were invited but would have had to travel) but they got me a collective gift. In the next meeting I gave each of them a thank you card. They all opened it and at the end of the meeting, 4/10 of them left the card on the table and left! Haha.
My point is I am aware of etiquette but there are times when an additional thank you is warranted and sometimes people just lack bloody manners!
Your friend is so wrong! A gift is a gift and you should have received a thank you! People underestimate how much a simple ‘thank you’ means!
Post # 11
idontevenknow : she seems very rude but I will say that i only receive thank you cards from about 50% of the weddings I attend despite giving $200+ gifts from the registry.
Post # 12
Darling Husband isn’t sending thank yous to people he sees frequently. I think it’s super rude but I’m not up for writing every single one. I’m writing to everyone, gift or no gift, because yeah, attending is a big deal and costs money.
Post # 13
Thanks for all the input! I guess i still feel a bit stung from the whole experience, she wasnt a considerate bride at all, and i did and spent a lot for her and never got a verbal thank you, so i guess i was kind of hoping id get some hertfelt card or something but no, shes made it clear now.
Its so petty but i really dont want her involved in my day now.
Post # 14
Every gift requires a thank you card. This isn’t a “modern” thing – it’s a basic politeness thing. Your friend is rude, and her attitude is tacky.
Post # 15
I think £100 is rahter a lot for a present. I really don’t tend to do that much unless it is very close family or friend and even then to be honest I think it’s quite extravagant! Plus the £450 you have already spent.
Her attitude is vile!