Post # 1
Hi Bees, i just need a female opinion on a friend of mine as she has me a little confused. Shes a very sweet girl, super nice and very charismatic. We get along great and have a good time when we hang out. Problem is, i feel like she only comes to me when she has no one else better to hang out with.
A few times when inviting me to do something, she has casually mentioned “oh yea my bf is busy that night so i can see you” or “my bf is having a guys night, wanna hang out?” or she’ll message me and ask me what i have going on over the weekend, and then when i respond…nothing! No response from her or anything. It makes me feel like she’s messaging several people and she picks who seems to be more fun or waiting to see if someone says no they can’t hang out to then see if i can.
I’m not upset about this, maybe just a little annoyed. She’s also impossible to make plans with as she only really hangs out when her bf has something going on or travelling for work. IDK am i wrong to feel this way? She just invited me to hang out tomorrow and said its bc her bf is having a night out of town with his guy friends (bach party maybe? idk).
Am I being too naive if i say yes?
Post # 2
Heheh. I think we all have friends like her 🙂 For what it’s worth–I think if you enjoy hanging out with her, do it! Maybe go ahead and mention that she says those things. You could say something like “hey I like hanging out with you but did you know everytime you ask to hang out it’s prefaced by you’re only free because your boyfriend has other plans? While I don’t love that, I can understand it, but it kinda stinks to be told that every time”
See what her reaction is. She may not realize she’s doing it. And granted, there are times I made plans with people after my hubby made others. It’s not meant to make you feel lesser or unimportant, I’m sure. It’s just the way some people can be while they’re in relationships and saying something nicely/casually/whatever will be a lot better for your friendship in the long run!
Post # 3
deedee2016: True and i get it, bfs will always take priority. I know people do the same thing, i’m sure ive done that but its every time I see her its only bc hes busy lol
Post # 4
milabeehappy: I think if you enjoy spending time with her, go for it! I admit, I often send texts to friends saying things like Darling Husband is out of town this week, want to do a girls night? It’s not that I don’t like spending time with them it’s just that, if Darling Husband were in town, I would be spending time with him. I would have a bigger problem if she was saying “no one else is around, want to hang out?” but I think it’s pretty sweet that you seem to be her go-to when she’s not with her bf.
Post # 5
Ugh. So 2 things.
1. I totally do the ‘my bf is busy, want to do something’ But i try to word it differently haha. Our schedules are opposite and he works 6 days a week, so I don’t get a ton of time with him. So I try to book things for when he is busy/working/going out with his friends. Obviously sometimes I still do things without him being busy, but that is how I try to book things in general.
2. It’s SO RUDE to msg multiple people and pick the most fun. I mean, if I ask someone to hang out and they’re busy I might msg someon else, but not msg 5 at once and then pick the best one. That’s annoying.
So overall, do you want to continue the friendship? You might just have to realize it won’t ever be as 50-50 as you want. Not totally a bad thing. There are some friends that you only go drinking with, or only goto plays with, or only hang out with when their bf is busy. Only you can decide if that’s something you want.
Post # 6
milabeehappy: I think probably most people have friends like this. I have a girlfriend like this. And my male housemate, his best friend is like this, only wants to hang when his wife (actually my friend) is away. I think you’ve recognised this behaviour and you need to decide to accept it or stop being friends with her.
Post # 7
I kind of understand what she’s doing, to a point. If my Fiance is busy or away on a weekend night, sometimes I’ll text some of my girlfriends about having a girls night while my Fiance is busy or out of town. However, I do hang out with my girlfriends even when he isn’t busy, just in that case I’ll take him along (and it will be my girlfriends with their SO’s if they have one, as well as my male friends; most of our friends are mutual friends, as my Fiance and I met through the same friend group). Also, if any of my girlfriends did want to hang out with just the girls when my Fiance isn’t busy, I would certainly hang out with them as long as I didn’t have plans.
In my friend group, though, our girls’ nights are usually prompted by one of our SO’s being busy, or the guys having a guys’ night, or one of our single friends hosting a girls’ night. So it’s not considered rude in my friend group for us to text other girlfriends saying that our SO is out of town. My friend group is a mix of guys and girls so we will all hang out together quite a bit.
ETA: Now, her texting you asking about your plans for the weekend and not getting back to you is definitely rude. If you ask a friend about plans for the weekend implying that you’re going to want to hang out, you can’t just not answer because something better came along. It makes it seem like she doesn’t care about hanging out with you, she just wants to hang out with anyone.
Also, if she never hangs out with you even in a group except when her SO is busy, that would be kind of off-putting. I understand wanting to hang out with friends as a couple when possible, but to not hang out at all unless you are alone is kind of strange.
Post # 8
milabeehappy: I don’t think there’s any such thing as perfect friend. Some people can make you feel really good at times, but then lose sight that their wording can be hurtful. I think it would be reasonable to mention to her that it makes you feel like a back-up plan when she tells you that she’s available bc her bf is busy, etc. I have a feeling she values your friendship more than she lets on.
Post # 9
milabeehappy: Ugh, I have a friend like this. It’s annoying cause I love her and would love to hang out with her more……but I get the feeling her Fiance is extremely needy and she doesn’t like doing anything without him cause he feels hurt if she does. She is a work friend, and has gone so far as to include him in work happy hours that are for employees only (no one else brings their partner to these, but he always happens to appear).
I’ve just accepted it……it is what it is, and I’m not about to butt in and tell her I think their relationship dynamic is messed up. Not the hill I want to die on. Plus she seems very happy with him, so I think it works for them.
Post # 10
milabeehappy: I don’t think you’re being naive if you say yes. The whole “my bf is busy so i can hang out” thing would annoy me, but honestly, I do the same thing. I just don’t actually say “my Darling Husband is busy”. I just say “hey I’m free tonight if you want to hang out! We should do dinner!” Or something to that effect. It’s also possible that when she asks you what you’re doing over the weekend, she’s just making conversation. I ask my friends this all the time, but I’m really just asking out of curiosity and not trying to make plans.
If you feel that she’s rarely available to hang out, I would hang out with her and while you’re out say “I always have so much fun when we get together! We should seriously do this more often!” Maybe she just doesn’t realize you’d like to see her more.
Post # 11
tiffanybruiser: I guess the part that bothers me is that she only wants to hang out IF hes busy. If he all of a sudden stopped being “busy” and wanted to be with her 24/7 then i’d prob never see her. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to be with your SO, but taking just an hour or two on one weekend to just have lunch with a friend shouldn’t be this difficult. lol
Post # 12
milabeehappy: Yeah that would definitely annoy me too. Is it a new relationship? If she’s in the honeymoon phase that would make more sense……still immature and codependenty though. But not a lot you can do to change it probably, unfortunately.
Post # 13
tiffanybruiser: NO! theyve been together longer than me and my SO and they live together!!
Post # 14
tiffanybruiser: Sorry i prob should have included how many years…atleast 3-4 years theyve been together.
Post # 15
My husband works a lot, including weekends, we don’t get a ton of time together as a couple (a couple hours at night and one day every two weeks), so I do try to plan my friend time for when he is working or otherwise busy. I don’t announce it everytime I make plans though. I also think asking someone what they’re up to and then ghosting is rude.
If you like hanging out with her and otherwise enjoy her as a friend, then keep hanging out with her. Just know that she may not be a Tier 1 friend.