Opposite sex friendships

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m puzzled by the expectation that your SOs friends will become your friends.  

Post # 34
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

I think you generally know whether a friendship is truly platonic or if something is there. I think part of being respectful to your relationship is to back away from friends of the gender you’re attracted to when you know there’s something else there. 

Post # 35
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

soexcited123 :  well I guess my point is that you can have friends with different interests. Some might enjoy taking an excercise class together, while others might prefer to go to shows, etc. My friends and I are all different people from one another not clones, so sometimes we may branch off and do things on our own. 

Post # 36
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

I find this question so bizarre. 

My FH and I have no ‘rules’, I would never want to be restricted in this way and would never control friendships based on gender, and therefore treat FH in the same way.

We do socialise with some of our friends as a unit, but we also regularly see friends separately and gender does not come into it. In fact, FH recently went out to dinner with a newish female friend that I’ve never met. I really could not care less and I’m not saying that to sound ‘cool’, we just trust each other completely. I also don’t think whether or not you hang out with people of the opposite gender has ANY bearing on whether someone has an affair. 

It honestly frustrates me when people only socialise as a couple. Sometimes I just want to hang out with my girlfriends, drink some wine and chat about how I fancy the entire cast of Versailles without their partners/husbands hanging around. 

Post # 37
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

soexcited123 :  I mean sometimes I’m not invited or my husband isn’t invited and it’s not a big deal. We don’t both need to be invited every time we get together with a friend. 

Post # 38
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I have no issues with opposite sex friends. Though I’m straight, I don’t have a mental distinction of male and female friends. I have a mental distinction of people I’m attracted to and people I’m not. The only thing I would expect of my fiance is to not hang out with people he’s attracted to (for my sake) and not hang our with people who he knows are attracted to him (because that’s cruel to them; I guess that’s not really my rule that’s between them in a way). 

I also have no problem with 1:1 hanging out. 1:1 is just a different thing than group hangouts. I have no expectation that my fiance and my friends all become friends with each other. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I WANT him to have friends. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who isn’t your SO, and that doesn’t mean that you’re bitching about your SO the whole time or trying to fuck them, it just means that humans need friends. What gender they are just seems like an unnecessary criteria to add to the fact that it doesn’t get easier to make friends with age. Demanding that I always come along to hang with one of his friends to me is no different than demanding that he not have that friend- its difficult to nurture a friendship if you’re always supervised. It would also annoy me if a friend was bringing extra people every time I tried to hang out with them. I can’t really talk to YOU if there are additional people here. If you want a group hangout then schedule a group hangout; don’t hijack a hangout by bringing extra people. I wouldn’t be in a relationship where I was expected to not have friends. I also wouldn’t be in a friendship with someone who insisted we never hang out and only wanted to go to groups. But that’s for some people I guess. 

None of this means that you should ignore shady behavior. If your SO is taking women out to expensive restaurants and always paying, coming home drunk at 4am, disclosing info about your marriage, or in general treating a friend differently than he would treat a male friend, then THAT needs to be addressed. It is also possible that there are people in this world who can’t just have a platonic friendship with their prefered gender. 

Post # 39
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

soexcited123 :  yeah, that is super weird.  One of my guy friends is like a brother to me.  I would NEVER in a million years complain to him about his wife hanging out with us, even when they first started dating.  Glad she was “phased out” 🙂

Post # 40
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I’ve always had close guy friends. If I weren’t allowed opposite sex friends then I would lose decades of close, valuable friendships. I think it was weird for my fiance at first until he met them and realized there is nothing there at all. He absolutely adores my male friends and has become quite close with them. I’ve also never had a problem with any of his female friends so I think he appreciates the dynamic now. His mom is not understanding and has made comments to my female friends saying that when a woman gets married or serious with a guy her only male friend should be her SO. It’s taken a while for her to accept that my maid of honor is a “man of honor.” Hell, if I didn’t have sisters my entire bridal party would have been my guy friends who I’ve known 20+ years!

Post # 41
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

it’s totally fine to befriend someone who are the opposite sex of us, especially if we were one of those introverts that only some people managed to come in to our circle. and we value that some people to the level no matter what happen, we stick together all the way. i had an opposite sex friend of mine who is now my wife’s bestfriend

Post # 42
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

It doesn’t bother me at all if my husband has female friends. His best friend is a woman, she was his best woman at our wedding. When they hang out, sometimes I’ll go with them, other times they’ll go and grab dinner or something while I’m having dinner with my parents (not that he doesn’t see my parents, I just work really close to their house, so I tend to pop in on my way home).

He also has various male and female friends from conferences he works at. I’ve never met them, he spends a few days a year at the conferences and hangs out with his friends while he’s there – it doesn’t bother me at all.

 I work in an all male environment, so all my work friends are guys. My husband has no problem with this either.

 

Post # 43
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I had it so well put to me once: Opposite sex friends are fine so long as they are also “friends” of the relationship, meaning they’re fully aware of it, respect it, and support it. 

Post # 44
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Different perspective:

So I actually have two moms (they’re separated), and from what I’ve seen honestly is that most of their friends are other lesbians or a few straight women. One of my moms actually goes on overnight backpacking trips with another lesbian, and her new partner frequently hangs out with her ex. All platonic. Same sex couples are often out in that situation because usually their friendships are also same sex, it’s not like all lesbians are only friends with men or all gay men only women. If they can figure it out, we can too lol.

Even though everyone is different, it reminds me that it’s VERY possible to spend platonic time with your preferred gender. But I agree it’s totally different if you’re attracted to them or they aren’t supportive of your relationship  

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