(Closed) Organising your own hen do – who should pay?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Just here to say that you should really ignore all the “rules” and do exactly what you want 🙂 It sounds like you just want to gather the closest ladies in your life, and you’re even so considerate as to wonder if you should pay for the whole thing. Weddings have changed a lot, so I woudln’t worry about the rest. 

FWIW I don’t think you’d need to cover the expense (if I were invited, I’d not want the bride to pay my way in any circumstance!). Maybe you can let these people know of your desire to have a party like this, and figure out an approximate cost. You could tell them you would like to pay, but I imagine most would prefer to cover their way. It sounds like you’re not asking too much of them, especially by not having a bridal party with wardrobe requirements, etc. 

I just got married, and I opted for no bridal party! Everything went great 🙂

Post # 32
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - Our Backyard

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EllyAnne :  thanks! Is that name a regional thing? Never heard that name in the US. 

Post # 33
Member
2003 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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2ndchance :  The UK and Australia. I don’t know which other countries also use the term.

Post # 34
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I did a spa day for one of our besties, i was the only bridesmaid, but all of our friends had flown in and we all paid for ourselves + split the brideʻs services.

Post # 35
Member
32 posts
Newbee

People organise their hen do’s all the time. There is no gift given and every party we throw is not all about gifts anyways. It’s more of an excuse to hire an obnoxious car and drink way too much for our own good. 

Having said that, I would generally expect to pay my own way for a spa day as a ‘hen do’, like I would pay for my own drinks etc if it was a night out in town.

Post # 36
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

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pinkberry91 :  totally agree with you. I don’t understand this – you can never throw yourself a party, period- nonsense. I’ve been to plenty of bachelorette parties where the bride organized the night or weekend without giving it a second thought. It’s not like they forced me to go. I wanted to enjoy a fun night out with my girl friends. And gifts are never expected from the bride. If anything we will cover her meals and give a silly gift like a sex toy. 

Post # 37
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see anything wrong with organizing your own bachelorette. I’ve paid for everything bachelorette wise when I attended (as in I paid for both myself and a share of the bride-to-be). Maybe pay for part of it for everyone, and have them cover the rest for themselves?

I probably will organize my own since my bridal party won’t really know each other and will be living in different cities (and continents) — best that I coordinate those logistics and have those conversations (particularly with the ones who live on different continents who might not be able to attend, or who I might try to alternatively plan around) than having one bridesmaid try to deal with it, esp. because I think my friends will be more honest with me about what they want than they would to another bridesmaid. 

Post # 38
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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laura1206 :  I see nothing wrong with this, and I think the ladies closest to you would love to join! You can offer to pay, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Have fun!! xoxo

Post # 39
Member
10098 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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EllyAnne :  

Yes ‘hen’s’ night in UK and Oz.  Thankfully the male counterpart is NOT a ‘cock’s’ party .

Post # 40
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

When someone else plans your bachelorette then they are in total control of how much, or little, they spend. When the bride steps in to organize she takes that control away and dictates other’s budgets. It doesn’t matter that a bachelorette isn’t a gift giving event when the typical bachelorette is a weekend away or multi activity event where you are expected to pay the bride’s way. And a reception is different than a bachelorette because a reception is a thank you to your guests where you foot the bill. A bachelorette is a celebration of you that everyone else pays for. Op, as long as you don’t pay your own way and make this more of a fun day out where the focus isn’t on you then you’re good. 

Post # 41
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

My phone won’t let me edit previous comment but I meant to say as long as you pay your own way. 

Post # 42
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

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oceangirl40 :  A bachelorette is a celebration of you that everyone else pays for. 

Typically with a hen party that’s not the case though.  The bride might get bought a few celebratory drinks but in general the other girls pay for themselves and so does the bride. 

Post # 43
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

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catskillsinjune :  That was rude. Don’t be so bitter.

It is perfectly acceptable to plan a spa day with your mom and sisters, and asking them to pay their own way is also perfectly fine. This isn’t a bridal shower where you’ll also be expecting gifts from 50 people, it’s a spa day for a few people.

Don’t listen to the negative opinions, go have fun on your spa day, no stress!

Post # 44
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would just make sure the girls get to pick their own services/how much they want to spend. Rather than “we are all getting the Deluxe spazzieSpa package so we can spend the entire $1000 day together!”

If someone only wants to come in for an express manicure, dont be pissed off about them not spending the whole day/pay cheque there.

Post # 45
Member
7559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Here’s the thing: it’s super rude to spend other people’s money for them. If you make the plans, you should be prepared to pay for everyone. If others offer to chip in, accept graciously; there’s nothing wrong with accepting a gift if it’s given freely. But do not plan an occasion where you are the guest of honor and expect everyone else to underwrite it.

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