Post # 1
I know this might sound odd to some and please dont cast your judgements, but I feel very strongly about not changing my maiden name.
Firstly because it is my identity, it belongs to me and I have had it the longest part of my life. It honors the people who have raised me.
Secondly, his ex wife still uses his last name and my pride and ego will never allow me to become the second wife who carries that name. It feels too much sister wives to me. I also have only negative emotions associated with the name, because his mother treated me horribly over the last few years. If we plan to have children they will carry both our names.
Anyone else who won’t change their name?
Post # 2
sarahcb: I’m not changing my name for various reasons. It’s a personal decision. Do what’s best for you – it’s your name, after all.
Out of curiosity, how does your Fiance feel about you not changing your name?
Post # 3
I kept my maiden name too for the same reasons you did, with the exception of the Mother-In-Law part. My husband’s ex-wife still uses his last name and that was one of the reasons I wouldn’t change mine. Most importantly, I like my last name, it’s the name my parents gave me, the one I identify with, and the one I use professionally. My husband would prefer me to change my last name, but he loves me and respects my decision.
Post # 4
I’m not changing my name. For multiple reasons, but mainly because my name is my name. The misogynistic history of women taking the man’s name because they basically became his property doesn’t sit well with me, either.
My Fiance has an ex-wife, and I think she is remarried and has changed her name again, but even if she hasn’t, I don’t think that would have factored in. I don’t really care much about him having been married before (never met her, he hasn’t seen or heard from her since the divorce like 15 years ago) and I’ve always felt strongly about keeping my own name anyway.
I remember it weirded me out when my sister got married and took her husband’s last name. I didn’t say anything, but it still just sounds wrong to me when I hear her referred to without her maiden name.
Post # 5
Thanks for weighing in and I am glad to see that I am not the only one. My fiance was disappointed (understatement) when I expressed my hesitations and has since then not asked what my final decision is. He avoids the topic, or thinks it is settled. I am tired of always being the understanding second ‘wife’ and decided to let it be. He will notice it at some point when I won’t change my passport 😉
Post # 6
I think you should have whatever name you want, but your issues about being the “second wife” are a little troubling to me. I would encourage you to deal with these feelings either by discussing it with your husband, seeing a therapist, etc. This sounds like the kind of thing that could affect other areas of your relationship and you shouled resolve it.
Post # 7
I’m taking his name, I feel no particular attachment to these things and think it would be nice to share the same name as everyone else in the family we create.
BUT, as I feel no particular attachment to these things, I would change my name back in a hot minute if we were to divorce. I don’t understand why FI’s ex-wife still uses his name, especially after the absolute disaster their marriage and divorce were. So, I do feel you on that point, but my pride and ego are a little delighted because I don’t see it as first or second, I see it as new and old. I will be the new Mrs. C, and she will be the old one, living in the past.
Post # 8
sarahcb: my husband was divorced before me just like you. His ex ended up being a really terrible person (think cheating, lying, stealing, broke into our house once…). I had planned to keep my name no matter what, but if I hadn’t planned to, I think her behavior would have helped me decide to anyways. He was totally fine with it and said he didn’t want to change his name so why should he expect me to change mine.
Additionally, my kids have my last name. His last is their second middle name. Example: John James Smith Jones but on paperwork in daily life go by John Jones. (Jones being my name too).
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2016 - Miami
sarahcb: Not changing your name isn’t weird at all. Lots of women choose not to. And honestly those all sound like very good reasons to me.
I hear ya on the mother thing. My mother-in-law is an odd duck. There have been some nice moments between her and I so I don’t totally hate her, but more often than not she’s very rude to me and says nasty comments about my husband (her own and only son!). While ultimately I do plan to change my name, it’s a little jarring to me when people call me Mrs. Hisname becuase I think of his bitchy mother :/
Anyway, do what you want and what makes you feel comfortable. Not sure where you’re from but in lots of places no one would even think twice about you keeping your maiden name. And, not for nothing, but you’re saving yourself the huge hassle involved in changing it! 🙂
Post # 10
I’m not changing mine. I actually don’t love my last name and like his more, but I can’t wrap my head around the misogyny/loss of identity involved. My mom and sister both kept their names so I’m in good company 🙂
Post # 11
sarahcb: I literally just posted this question (wish I would have stalked the boards before posting but I am having a meltdown over it and just posted without looking)…but this is our first marriages, so we don’t have the ex wife situation. I am just posting on here to follow and see what others say.
But if I was in your situation, I would keep it. With the added in factors, the ex, the mom, it would make me not want to take his name as well. Best of luck, Bee! I hope he is understanding when you finally tell him your decision.
Post # 12
I dont see how taking your husbands name is any more misogynistic than keeping the name your father gave you when you were his property. That is how these things worked. You were your fathers property until you became your husbands property, possibly at the gain of your father who used you to buy something or make connections. I have no problem with women not wanting to take their husbands name, and I understand the loss of identity, but I really dont get the misogyny arguement.
Post # 13
sarahcb: I’m almost the exact opposite of you – I have no negative associations with FI’s name but a HELL of a lot with my own. It comes from my step-grandfather who was not a nice person and physically and mentally abused my grandmother, father and aunt. I’m not even blood related to anyone with that name besides my dad, who was forced to change his name when his mum got married.
I always promised myself that if I wasn’t married by age 30 I was going to change my name to my mother’s maiden name, which I love and is very unique and reflects my family’s cultural heritage. I’ll be 28 when we get married so I have actually thought about giving one of my children my mum’s maiden name as a middle name.
Plenty of women don’t change their names and I think there’s no issue with you keeping your maiden name given your strong feelings on the issue. Your Fiance may not understand – but see what he says if you suggest that he take your name instead!
Post # 14
I got divorced and straight away as soon as we split up deed poll changed my name back to my Maiden name. My children still have their Dads name I obviously discussed their feelings first.
SO and myself are planning on getting married and I want to take on his name my children have also expressed a want to do the same as their Dad doesnt want to see them anymore.
I will not discourage or encourage that it is entirely their own descisions.
His ex wife I think still uses her married name I do not at all understand that as I hated even seeing my name wrote that way.
Each to their own though and it is completely down to the individual I dont believe there is a right or wrong answer to this
Post # 15
altaira: I never get that arguement…. men get their surname from their fathers too. I see my surname as MINE, just how a man would. If I changed my name on marriage the new name would be mine too, and in future if we had a son or daughter they would get OUR name, not just his.
I won’t be changing however, no ex wives or nasty inlaws – it just just doesn’t sit well with me.