- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
Comparison is the thief of joy!
you don’t know someone in 6 months. Just my $0.02
Comparison is the thief of joy!
you don’t know someone in 6 months. Just my $0.02
At 22 I was engaged at 2 months married at 10. We’ve weathered more storms in two years than most couples have in a decade. You do not know how close that shit brought us. We can get through anything now!
I wouldnt worry about it too much. Relationships are different. I’m 25 and Darling Husband is 26. We were super close for 1 1/2 years as friends, officially dated for 6 months, got engaged, married 9 months after that. We’re fine. My brother married my SIL in around the same time frame. My sister dated her husband for just over a year, got engaged, married a year after that. I think time frames depend on the couple, and in the case of my relationship and my brother’s, we have partners with autoimmune disorders who need care occasionally. We had hard times really early on.
akm57: everyone around me is getting engaged quick too! We’ve been together four years, and while we’re borh ring obsessed, I don’t really see why we should get engaged before I graduate. Three girls in my area (17,19, and another 19 year old) all got engaged recently, and they’ve all been with their SO’s for less than a year.. And they all have the same exact ring! its weird because people I’ve meet through work and school who have been togethee forever are in no rush to get married, but I’ve watched girls drop like flies from my team and program to get engaged to someone they don’t really know. One of my professors sat our class down (there are two girls left) and said “don’t ger married. You’ve come this far, you may as well finish school. Thats $50,000 down the drain!”
I had a moment like that. There was a period of time about 3 years ago when it felt like everyone was getting engaged/married, having children, and buying houses. I was still in university and grew quite jealous. Then I realised that my life is awesome and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Darling Husband and I just got married and life is just a little bit more perfect now, but we still focus on the multitude of other things (friends, family, volunteering, work, hobbies, etc.) that make us happy.
My point is, somettimes when you want something you lose sight of everything else that makes life good. Don’t fall into that trap!
akm57: A few things… you say you dont understand getting engaged so quick, but then you feel jelous that they got engaged first? I would stick to your first instinct 😉
You’re still in college. Focus on that. I wouldnt even think about getting engaged until after you graduate and start working. And you get engaged when it feels right, when you both have your ducks in a row and are ready for the responsibility of marriage. That might be after 1.5 years, it might not. I wouldnt worry about setting a mile marker like that.
And I do agree with your mom about waiting. I’m 30, and I saw myself change A LOT from the start of college to the end, and then again from like 22 to 26… you just do so much growing up and your priorities change. Sometimes people grow up at different rates too. You and your boyfriend may always want the same things and be moving in the same direction, or you may not. I would wait until your mid-20s.
I met my fiance at 22 and got engaged at 29. We talked about marriage along the way but we just weren’t ‘there’ yet for a long time, until we were 🙂 But it’s not a race, what your friends do has no bearing on what you do. You’ll do best not to compare yourself to others, every life is different. And honestly, I know at least 6 or 7 girls who got married right after college who are now divorced, some on their second marriage by 30, because again, they got married while they still had a lot of growing up to do.
This is something that I’m currently facing, at the moment. S.O and I have been together for three years (soon to be three and a half). We started dating when I was turning 19, and he was turning 20. I feel as though there are two types of people, specifically in college, when it comes to the relationship area.
A-The people who are actively looking and searching for a relationship, because they want to be in one.
B-The people who are trying NOT to get into a relationship, because they don’t want one at that time.
The problem with group A, is that when you’re looking for a relationship, it’s almost as though any average person will do. You’re willing to lower standards set, simply because you need/want a relationship.
Group B tries to prevent a relationship from happening, so if they did give in and try a relationship, you know it had nothing to do with being in a relationship, and everything to do with the potential they saw in the other individual. S.O and I were group B-when arriving at college, both of us had made a promise to each other that we would not get into a relationship, because who wants to be in a relationship Freshmen year (or even Sophmore year). But than we met, and after being friends for a couple weeks, the interest would just not go away. That was three years ago, and the love I have for him is hard to map my mind around. I feel that people will walk into your life at the most interesting times, and it’s what you choose to do with them that indicates everything.
S.O and I moved slowly though. None of us walked into the relationship thinking (I’m going to MARRY this person-I was 19, he was 20, neither of us wanted that). Both of us walked in thinking, ‘Well, at the first sign of them showing I quality I hate, I’m out.’ But that didn’t happen.
Five friends around me (none older than 21) have gotten engaged. They have been dating their S.O for, sometimes, as long as my relationship, but the difference in them was that they were the girls in High School who NEEDED a relationship. Anyone would do. That’s not healthy, I feel. But, in the end, two of these girls have posted on my Facebook wall (yet another indication of their immaturity) “Why aren’t you engaged yet? S.O and I are engaged because we LOVE each other. Are you having problems?” I kid you not, one actually said that word for word on my wall. So, I deleted it, and messaged her after saying, “Whether or not I am engaged right now is no indication of how strong my relationship is. My relationship is strong, but S.O and I still have other ambitions in life. I did not attend college for an MRS degree, and I have goals that I hope to reach before S.O and I marry, because I want more out of life than a wedding ring. You made your choice, I have made mine. I wish you well.”
I’m sorry, but at almost 22, S.O and I aren’t ready for marriage. And I feel like we have a STRONG relationship. We have changed and grown at an incredable rate, but still are changing. I told S.O I don’t want at engagement until, at the earliest, 24. I don’t think anyone should be engaged before that, because monumental changes are still happening.
Sorry for the rant, this topic just irks me everytime. Odds are, their relationship is not at the level that marriage demands, and they will soon see that. You are being REALISTIC and MATURE in your decision, and being jealous of them is pointless, because statistics say most of them will divorce. You have higher standards and goals for your relationship, as you should.
Why would you be jealous of child brides making rash decisions? Lol. Good luck to them. Wonder how/if that’ll be going after 5, 10 years. I’m with your mom.
Ever hear the old adage, “Marry in haste, repent at your leisure?” I had a lot of college friends who were 22-24 year-old divorcees because they rushed into legally binding relaitonships with people they didn’t know as well as they thought. I heard a lot of “He changed!”, too. Not sure if it’s because people change a lot in their early 20s (I know I did!) or these young ladies didn’t do their research so this was a part of their exes’ personalities that they didn’t see.
Please try to enjoy your dating years more! Although I’m happily married now, the relationship does change and sometimes I feel nostalgic about college and our dating years. The professional world is harsh and marriage is hard work. I miss my carefree life!
I can relate to that as well. It was slightly discouraging to see other couples start dating and get married within the time me and my fiance have been together. Especially becasue I am in the same boat as you, where we have been through a lot and I can’t imagine starting a marriage without that foundation. But in the end, all that matters is my relationship. If that causes difficulty in their marriage later on, then they will be the ones to deal with it. And I can jsut rest assured that after the years with my fiance, we will be better off that we waited longer and had time to really get to know each other and experience life together. Just worry about yourself, it’ll all be worth it 🙂
I bet that at least 50% of them will be divorced in the next years. What’s so great about being engaged or married at a very young age? I had friends like this too, but I was never jealous because my life isn’t based on getting engaged and married. Personally, I think it’s too soon to get engaged after a year, and I also think it’s too soon to get engaged in your early twenties. But in the end, it’s everyone’s personal decision. Don’t compare yourself to others, enjoy your life and your relationship.
Life isn’t a race and you don’t get bonus points for making it to the alter sooner than anyone else.
I too had friends that were engaged in college and I thought “what’s the rush?” One couple is still married and have a great relationship, one couple broke up before the wedding and another divorced. All these couples had relatively short courtships.
I also know older couples (older meaning late 20s/early 30s) that married after short courtships with the same outcomes – some still married, some not. There’s so much at play when it comes to relationships that one formula doesn’t work for everyone.
Don’t worry about others and just focus on your own relationship.
The situations OP described would have been way too young/soon for me to get married, personally. However, I was Maid/Matron of Honor for one of my best friends who got married when she and I were both 20. She had known the groom for less than a year, and he was also young (22). He’s great, they’re still together after nearly 8 years of marriage, and they have a beautiful family. What was right for her clearly wouldn’t have been right for me, and vice versa. Everyone is different so no reason to judge.
Honestly everyone is different and every relationship is different. I agree that it is important to do what is right for you and not base it on anyone else. Every journey is different and age is just a number. When the maturity level is there you won’t even notice the age. I was in a relationship for 7.5 years (we were 19 and 21 when we started dating) and no matter how many times we talked about marriage and having kids over the years, nothing came out of it and we went our separate ways.
I am now in a very happy relationship with my SO and even though we have only been together for 6 months, everything just fell into place and feels so right. We have gone through so much in such a short period of time and it only made us and our relationship stronger. Marriage is definitely on our minds and he actually bought the ring this weekend after looking for a couple of months. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Dance to the beat of your drum and not anybody else’s.
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