Others making a bid deal about not living together before marriage-rant

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
Post # 77
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I am not going to read 6 pages of comments, so I apologize in advance if this is more of the same. I am also not addressing anyone who has made a different choice. This is just for the OP: 

Original Poster, you are choosing a way to live that is what you and fiance want to do, and I affirm your choice. There are a lot of good reasons to wait to move in together until marriage. 

It is not always easier to live counter-culturally, but it speaks well to both of you that you can remain firm in your convictions. You and fiance are showing self-discipline and thoughtfulness. These qualities will help you forge a strong marriage. 

Congratulations!

Post # 81
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

bluehouselady :  “You are doing it right by not living together. ” 

There is no right or wrong, thanks!

Post # 82
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

misslucy :  Can I just say how much I loved your example? Lol omg.

 

To OP: I personally would never want to marry someone I did not live with but everyone is different. Hopefully everything works out for you. In regards to what to say to people when they question you or tell you that things will be different or harder, just say something like “the point is that marriage isn’t easy, it is a constantly evolving relationship and we will work on any problems that arise.” 

Post # 83
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

OP don’t feel bad about the comments that people make,they don’t know your whole story and it isn’t their business to. I would have loved to live with my fiancé prior to getting married but you know what? He encouraged me to take a job that I really wanted and I did, so we ended up sacrificing living together so that I could take an opportunity that I wouldn’t have been able to do so had we lived together prior (he couldn’t be that far from his work). Everyone’s situation is different and now that job turned into me owing my own business in the field and can go practically anywhere now. We’re finally house hunting and excited to finally be under the same roof. We’ve been together 10 years and I have no doubt that the transition will be a smooth one. The questions from the realtors are annoying though so I feel for you bee-hang in there 😊

Post # 84
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Op, I lived with my husband before we were married but only because I knew that proposal was coming a few months after. I didn’t view living together as a “test drive” to see if we were compatible or ready for marriage . Living together didn’t bring any major revelations and nothing really changed for us.  I wouldn’t have moved in with him without already knowing that we were ready for marriage. I do think some couples do view living together as a “test drive” to see if they’re compatible and do need that time to get to know each other.  Some couples don’t need that, and if you’re one of them, just ignore the negative comments.

ETA: we’ve lived together for 3 years and been together total for 5 and a half years. Just wanted to put that in there in case anyone was thinking we JUST moved in together. 

Post # 86
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I know exactly where you are coming from. My husband is in the military, and we didn’t live together before we had to elope so I could join him overseas. (Just to clarify, he was stateside and received orders after we got engaged, but before our planned wedding). Also, I don’t say this to be Too Much Information but it’s in the same vein, it was very important for both of us to “wait” until we were married. This isn’t something I normally talk about or advertise at all, as I’m more reserved when it comes to this issue, but I have gotten a LOT of flack over the years from various people concerning this. Most people have a “try before you buy” attitude, and mock anyone who feels otherwise. Virginity is now seen as “old fashioned” and is something to be mocked and shamed. Only those close to me know how I feel about it, but I’ve heard so many degrading comments from people about abstinence, including how “stupid” it is. I digress. My point is the values of our culture have reversed. What was once frowned upon is now expected. If you go against that, you will catch flack. That’s just the way it is. You just have to ignore the rude comments and do what is best for your. I don’t regret my decisions one bit. I don’t feel like I missed out by not doing certain things and not living with my husband before marriage. Nor do I regret my decision to get married and move away with someone I hadn’t lived with. It’s not been a huge shock and I am very happy. Just kindly remind them it is none of their business what you choose to do. I’m sure if you poked your nose into their sex life and/or living situation, they would very boldly tell you the same thing. 

Post # 89
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

cjm18 :  I’m sorry you’re getting so much judgment for not living together before marriage- this should be a decision between you and your fiance and no-one else’s business. 

I absolutely don’t see anything wrong at all with living together before marriage, or even without marriage on the radar at all. BUT that doesn’t mean it’s okay for someone who chooses not to live together before marriage to get endless judgment and unsolicited advice. 

We’ve seen trends like this in other areas- it used to be the ‘norm’ for women to be Stay-At-Home Wife and SAHMs and they were harshly judged for wanting a career or joining the workforce (even when by necessity, not choice)….but now women who are Stay-At-Home Wife and SAHMs are the ones getting judgment. And this topic, like whether to live together or not before marriage, is one of personal choice, not one deserving contempt and criticism. 

Post # 90
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee

 

withluv :  I don’t get the sense that OP is a virgin waiting till marriage. It just sounds like they haven’t had an opportunity to actually share an apartment. Which probably isn’t a big deal unless it turns out one of them is a secret slob or that they’re finicky and uncompromising about their space.

I think the more severe jump is from living with your parents to living with a spouse. But a lot of adults have roommates in college or their 20s, and that’s a similar experience.  

Post # 92
Member
653 posts
Busy bee

You should do whatever it is that you want to do, and it’s a shame that you are getting comments about your decision.

I have lived with two people, including my fiance, and I am so grateful that I did. It showed me that the first boyfriend I lived with was definitely not the one, and it has shown me many sweet things about my fiance that I didn’t realize from simply overnights. For me it was the right choice.

However, I am also traditional and would love to have that giddy feeling of a huge life change when we get married, not just a piece of paper and back we go to the home we’ve shared together for a few years.

In briefly scanning other responses, I saw that some people cited the statistic that people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. I heard this from a few people before my first cohabitation, so I looked deeper into the statistics. Across the board, this is true. But for people in my demographic, educated, upper middle class, living together because they want to, not for financial reasons or to avoid homelessness, the number is much lower.

Post # 93
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

curiouscat2017 :  Agreed. I’m in the more severe jump category, for cultural/belief reasons and have my reservations, but am extremely excited as well.

Post # 95
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

OP, do what is right for you and your relationship. Everyone has an opinion, good or bad, and you just have to let it roll off your shoulders. I think your family is just looking for things to say, kind of like how people inappropriately ask when a woman is planning on having kids. I think some people are also afraid of the worst possible scenario, like the one thread on here where a Bee had been dating her Fiance for 3 1/2 years, they moved in together, and now she finds out that he picks his nose and eats his own boogers. Life is a gamble. 

It is a shame that this thread had to get sidetracked because someone had to demean other couples’ completely valid, loving relationships with juvenile slang simply based on different lifestyle choices. 

Post # 88
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think people have something negative to say NO MATTER WHAT.

Live together first “Oh you are statistically more likely to get divorced” “He will never marry you” “Your relationship will fail”

Don’t live together first “It’s going to be a huge/hard adjustment” “You don’t truly know each other yet” “That first year will make or break you!”

 

The point is no matter how you do it, people are going to give you their unsolicited advice or input on the situation. Oh and don’t worry, if you don’t get enough of it now, wait until you have kids! It never ends. People always want to put their two cents in no matter what. You just have to get to the point in your life where you are comfortable with just nodding and smiling and ignoring them or telling them to GTFO, you never asked their opinion on it

 

Post # 88
Member
25 posts
Newbee

cjm18 :  first, congrats bee!! 

 

I was with mine for 11 years (dated since 17) before getting married on our 12th anniversary. Never lived together. I did know him inside out and he, I. We’re both patient with each other and adjustment was easy peasy. Actually, too easy and loving it. 

 

It depends on the strength of the couple and the individual. You guys will be fine. Comments such as those are personal to their experience, with their partners and/friends they know now. No two couples are the same. Hope this helps! 

Post # 89
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I’m a huge believer in living together before marriage – but I’m also a big believer in minding your own damned business when it comes to other people’s relationships. 

Everyone is so different that it’s logically impossible for there to be one perfect solution for everyone. My husband and I lived together before marriage, but we also got married after only 2 years of dating – there’s no way that I could claim that I knew him better than you know your fi. Yes it will come with some adjustments, but everything does. 

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