(Closed) Our 1 yr anniversary might be our last!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
1099 posts
Bumble bee

I didnt read all of the replies but I’m with the few ppl that said JUST DO IT! I’m the biggest anti-hoarder like it’s a real problem, if something hasn’t been used in six months or a year they say toss it? I’m more like a month. I haaaaaaaaate clutter and everyone in my home knows if you dont put something where it’s designated to go mommy will trash it QUICK. And everything has a place.

With that being said I wouldn’t trash his things that could start a shytstorm (been there, learned that. recently tossed some really expensive shaving stones of my husbands without knowing what they were. ummm they looked like rocks and i asked you to move them like 10times sir?!?!?!) I would however start to very slowly organize and sort his things for him and place them in tolerable spaces. As for bringing in new things, you have a job, just go buy it! My husband is VERY quick to complain “i dont like that” “it’s too girly” “i dont know what i want but it’s not that” and the second I drag him to a homegoods to actually do the work his first words are “how about you figure it out and i’ll get used to whatever it is because this is boring” lol I mean if you put a new duvet cover on the bed what is he going to do? Box it up and take it back to the store? Not likely. If he doesn’t want nails in the wall (understandable actually) use picture frames that go on shelves or use those command strips. I think sometimes the idea of home decor/decorating is just too overwhelming for guys, they dont see it the way we do and they beocme nitpicky. SHOW him that there’s a better, prettier way to live….

… and along the way you can deal with any hoarding/attachment/etc issues that come about. You DO need to talk this out and get to the root but I dont see why you can’t do that with a new toss pillow on the sofa here or some new shoe storage boxes there you know?

Post # 47
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with the PP who said to take some initiative and box his crap up. If I were you, as his wife, I would take it upon myself to start throwing shit away. seriously.  you live in the house and you have a right to feel at home.  He DOES sound like a hoarder, and holding onto possessions that strongly just isn’t healthy.

Post # 48
110 posts
Blushing bee

This is very serious and I can see why you feel the way you do. You’re a married couple and he hasn’t made any space for you in his home or in his life. This is on him to do. Period. He needs to make it a priority, full time job or not. People find the time to do the things that are important to them. Tell him frankly that you are considering leaving him over this issue, and that yes, it is that big of a deal. Let him know that things will have to change and where you stand. 

Post # 49
5530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Honestly, clutter and mess makes me go crazy. When things look bad.. i feel bad. Soooo.. I would just start somewhere. You are both living there together as a married couple.. what is he going to do? come home and rip the pictures off the walls? 

Post # 50
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

mrsmcandrews:  I know this sounds crazy…but follow me…

Don’t give him a choice in the matter! The key is to make him not feel like you are making him. Instead of asking him to throw some stuff out, tell him you are setting aside a day to declutter the house and have him commit to doing it with you. If he doesn’t want nails in the walls, use that two sided tape. If you want new furnature, make him feel like he is a KING for bringing new stuff into the house. It’s all about playing into his ego. πŸ˜‰

Post # 51
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

mrsmcandrews:  my Fiance and I just went through something similar. The real catalyst to the change was that my family was visiting and I refused to let them see a frat boy apartment! Up until then it had been very minor baby steps (better than nothing I guess…) and I was fed up with almost being there a year and being embarrassed to have people over.

Two things that worked for me were 1. Giving him baby step projects, since that’s how he seemed more comfortable and 2. Just taking control and getting rid of certain things myself. For example, instead of constantly asking him to go through mail and getting rid of junk, I started going through it myself and getting rid of anything not important (credit card offers, unused coupons, old receipts). Anything important looking I put on his computer or desk chair where he couldn’t ignore it if he wanted to work! Then, I’d ask him to tackle one thing at a time (“I have an idea for this area, could you get rid of things in that file cabinet you don’t need?”). 

Cost was an issue for my Fiance too, as I only have a mediocre salary now and he has a bit of student debt left. I proposed searching Goodwill and thrift shops (got a brand new white and chrome kitchen cart for $100 with just a few dings and scratches!), as well as redoing some furniture from his dad (sentimental to FI). I did ask for a few nice things like an actual sofa and decent tv stand, which we found at outlets and sites like Hayneedle and Wayfair. 

Having a firm deadline was good too, because it forced us to work together and find solutions to fit my want for a shared space and his want to be frugal. by the end he was taking more initative than me! Honestly your first step might be just taking the bull by the horns and throwing his useless crap out.

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