(Closed) Our engagement. Is he right?

posted 10 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Why do you care about how he proposed?  Do you think this is an example of him a) not living up to your expectations, b) keeping his word, c) having totally different perspectives on things in life–because these are much bigger issues than just "he didn’t propose the way I wanted it."  I think you have to ask yourself whether you are letting yourself get carried away with the wedding myth–are you so caught up in what is "wedding appropriate" that you are forgetting who your guy reall is? 

I’m sure you know you can’t change him, that he is who is, and that if you don’t accept him for that person then you shouldn’t be with him.  I think you need to ask yourself whether your being upset is because of wedding mania, or because you thought you loved & wanted him for who he is, but now this is making you realize that you want something/someone else.  If it’s the first reason then just remind yourself that a wedding is one day and a marriage is a lifetime, and that you are being irrational.  And if it is the second reason, you should know that there is nothing wrong with that, and that it happens to alot of people.  You may have alot of thinking to do, but just be sure you reflect on this as honestly and bravely as you can.

Good luck.

Post # 4
48 posts
  • Wedding: January 2018 - catherdral ceremony/private club reception

Luckie, I think your proposal story is very sweet because it seems like he just couldn’t WAIT for you to be his fiance!  My engagement to Mr. Magnolia was sweet but low-key as well, which turned out to be perfect for us.  I would have said yes either way, and reflecting on it now, it was much more fitting for us that it was at home, just the two of us, no big production involved.

If this continues to bother you, maybe you could have a discussion with him about doing more to make one another feel special.  But I definitely wouldn’t question your relationship and its validity based on that one moment in time…your relationship is only supposed to get better and stronger from there, right?

Good luck!

Post # 5
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Luckie –

I wasn’t real happy with my proposal at first either. Mr S did it on vacation, with my 3 year old daughter – and she actaully asked me. Not him. After 15 minutes of happiness and calling everyone I was right back to mom duty getting her ready for bed.

I was stressed out, overstimulated from the proposal (even though I had a sneeking suspicion he was going to do it that week) and I felt I wanted more. In the end we had a big fight about it, Why coulnd’t you have waited another hour until she was alseep, you had this whole romantic cabin to work with….lots of things I said I’d wished I didn’t however I think talking about it made me feel better.

It took me realizing that all that matters is he’s at that altar waiting for me the day of our wedding. Even if we crash land and skid to a stop in getting there.

Mr S was also married before me. It wasn’t along marriage but, I live in the house they bought together and care for the dog they bought together. I use most of their wedding gifts to cook and clean this house and you know it took me a few months to get used to that. 

We’ve remodled (and it needed it!) and turned this into our house, I’m phasing out their old gifts to make room for the new ones we will recieve and the dog – well I just hope he doens’t like to be 15…lol (not a dog person, good dog… not for me)

The bottom line is, I found that setting these expectations for what I wanted in life from someone else was only setting me up for disappointment. I can’t control him any more then I can control the weather and I can’t expect him to read my mind. 

I stopped being upset I wasn’t his first and replaced that with the overpowering joy that I am his last. Had he not met his first wife, he woulnd’t have ended up in the right place and time for me to meet him. And it was a learning experiance he needed in life, as for me as well.

You have to love your life now because you can’t change the past. If the proposal is really bothering you this much maybe there an underlining issue that you’re not seeing. Maybe you don’t feel he really is the one? You need to get your head around some things, talk to him about it. ANd stop hating the ex, it will only tear your relationship apart. If all you’re going to do is remind him of his mistakes he’s not going to want to stay around, you know?

I love Mr S and I now love my engagement story – and so does my daughter 🙂 We got to include her in something as well and looking back that could be that one little knot that makes my family stronger in the end.  

GL girl! 

Post # 6
17 posts

To be honest, I think you are making a big deal out of something that doesn’t really matter. I mean, it is pretty romantic that he was so excited about asking you that he couldn’t wait once he had the ring and scrapped all his original plans to just blurt it out.

My proposal wasn’t great. But it doesn’t change how I feel about my guy – planning isn’t really his forte.

However, one thing you might want to think about (armchair psychiatry) is that maybe you know deep down that he is not the right guy or this isn’t the right time for you and so you are taking minor things (ie he didn’t wait for you – when presumably he didn’t even know you, his proposal wasn’t romantic enough) and making them into major issues to give yourself a "reason" to feel like this and postpone/cancel the wedding.  

If its not that and you really do just want to have something romantic to tell, ask for a redo. 🙂  Tell him that you were really looking forward to something romantic and surprising and although you know it is silly, you really would like him to do something like that.

Post # 7
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

i dont know.. it’s one thing if you didn’t expect a big proposal from him.. but it is quite another when he has hinted many times and how he has played out scenes as to how he would propose, that you wouldn’t think that the proposal would go any other way. I would definitely be disappointed as well, because he has raised that expectations for you. i knew my Fiance was not the romantic type and I never thought that our proposal would be grand at all… He already told me he wouldn’t want to kneel to propose.. For me, I didn’t really see much of significance in that but the main thing that I would not falter from was that he had to ask my parents’ permission above all else, which he did. I think that shows much bravery and chivalry than kneeling. how the proposal went, I would never change it. I was never into surprises so I knew he would propose.. but I didn’t know when.. he proposed on Mother’s Day when I just drove back from Philly after hanging with family.. he didn’t even propose with an e-ring but instead bought a wedding band to do that.. he left the e-ring for me to pick out of my own and I picked one that matches the band perfectly.. I wouldn’t want any other way.. because I didn’t have high expectations, it went better than I expected. i honestly thought he was going to chuck the ring at me and be done with it.. =P but it was better and i replay it in my mind when i think of it. I don’t think it’s asking too much for you as well. you may need to talk to him about that, because this will eat away at you if you don’t. good luck to you. hope things work out.

Post # 8
30 posts
  • Wedding: May 2018

I agress with ‘cs’ completely…

Another point that I think is important is that you can have a really great proposal, but that doesnt mean that the person cares about you more, or that the relationship is better off.  I was proposed to in a very nice way, very romantic, but the relationship was crap, and we never wound up getting married. 

good luck!

Post # 9
111 posts
Blushing bee

i think the issue here is that he played it up, saying he had something great in mind for her and that he had something planned. and when it didnt play out as he had mentioned, then i think its natural to wonder, what the heck happened? what happened to that grand plan? does he feel different? was he just talking crap? its almost like being lied to. I dont think a grand proposal is necessary, but he really shouldnt have said anything unless he meant it. I think I would have been disappointed as well….but i probably would have gotten over it. It has now been 6 months and I would think you need to really think about why this is bothering you so much. good luck!

Post # 10
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with Sweeney completely.  There are no shortage of great proposals (and great weddings for that matter) that do not equate to a great marriage.  Focus on the relationship; that is what matters.  And as a fun side story, my father’s proposal to my mothers was "The ring is in the glove compartment."  Apparently, because they picked it out together, he didn’t think he had to formally ask her.  She just sighed, took the ring out of the glove compartment, and put it on.  Fast forward 20 years… for one of her birthdays he got together with her friends and planned a HUGE 100+ person elaborate surprise party.  Then, in front of all of the guests he got down on one knee and professed his love to her.  It was incredibly romantic, with 100+ people crying.  She had never complained about the original proposal, that was the man she had married.  But people aren’t static, we grow and evolve, and he turned out to be quite the romantic later in life.

Post # 11
36 posts
  • Wedding: June 2008 - A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.

Not to kick down how you’re feeling, but sometimes guys just don’t think of it the way we women do. They see things in a practical end result way and sometimes don’t take into account emotions etc. For example, I love, love, love Mr. Hum, but sometimes I’ll come to him with an issue and he’ll jump right in with solutions on how to fix it when what I really need in the moment is a hug and some comforting.
I think it’s pretty sweet that he just wanted to do it right away because 1) I think it shows how comfortable he is with you.
2) Because he did it the day he got the ring, he must have been pretty excited.
If it really, really bothers you, you could talk to him about it, but before you do that, I would take a deep breath and stop thinking about this as the end result and instead think of it as the starting point of your committed life together, a life in which you will have plenty of happy and romantic times together.
He loves you, hun! Don’t let one silly moment cast a shadow on how great that is. 🙂

Post # 12
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m with JW. It wouldn’t have been as big of a deal if he hadn’t talked it up. If he was so excited, why tell you he was going to do something so special? I don’t blame you one bit for feeling hurt and a little cheated about it. I second the poster who was wondering if maybe this is symbolic of some other problems you might see in the relationship regarding setting up expectations, trust, etc.

Post # 13
22 posts
  • Wedding: February 2008

I can see how the buildup got you excited and then the end result was way less than what you wanted. My proposal story is very boring, and it involves the phrases, "you should turn down the tv," and "as soon as there is a commerical, we need to talk." One of my best friends also had a lackluster proposal.

Fast forward to our other best friend who knew she was getting engaged. Her fiance told EVERYONE about how he was going to be super amazing with the proposal – he had such GRAND plans and he had her all worked up and she couldn’t wait. The day he got the ring, they went to dinner, and when they came home, her nose started bleeding. She was standing in the bathroom with a rag over her nose when he just blurted it out and pulled out the ring. We still give him a hard time over his ‘awesome’ proposal.

What does this have to do with you? Uh . . . I don’t know, other than some guys just can’t wait to either get it over with because of nerves or whatnot, or they just can’t wait to be engaged to you. Maybe he had big plans and they fell through? I would talk to him about it before you get too worked up – maybe there is a reason behind it that you don’t know about. But also think about how you truly feel about him and the relationship. If you can’t move past a less than spectacular proposal, then how will you move past the bigger stuff when you’re married?

Post # 14
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I am wondering if this is an isolated event, or if you feel like you are consistently disappointed in this way?  Is he in general not a romantic kind of guy, and you wish that he was?  You should remember that he was probably pretty nervous.  I think that we underestimate how hard it can be for a guy to pop the question.  My Fiance was so emotional that he had tears in his eyes when I said YES – even though we had shopped for the ring together! (So I think he was pretty sure of the answer.)

I totally feel your other problem.  My Fiance was married right out of college, and to the same woman for 25 years.  He has two kids who are 17 and 20.  Their mom is not really a part of our lives, as when she left (5 years ago) she made it clear that she just didn’t want the responsibility of caring for the kids in any way.  And I know that he is completely indifferent to her at this point.  But I also know that he really grieved when she left, and there are like a million pictures of her in photo albums in their linen closet (she didn’t even take any pictures of the kids – go figure).  It is really hard not to wonder sometimes how our life together stacks up to his life with her.  He is really good at understanding this, and at making sure I know that in his mind, there is no comparison.  This is just something that you are going to have to get over, in my opinion – or find yourself one that hasn’t been married before.  Otherwise it will drive you (and him) crazy. 

Post # 15
62 posts
Worker bee

i think that if there is a tendency for him to not follow through on things, i’d def. be worried. 


 if not, and he was sincere, and that was HIS idea of a grand romantic proposal, and you’re not happy that it wasnt YOUR idea of a grand romantic proposal then it’s a different in personalities and lack of communication.

Post # 16
1 posts

To be perfectly honest, if you’re that wrapped up in how he asked you and not the fact that he actually did ask you, then you shouldn’t be marrying him (or anyone else). You should be thrilled that the man you "love" loves YOU so much that he couldn’t wait to ask you.  It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t set aside an entire weekend to spend with you.  AFter all, he’s planning to spend the rest of his life with you. You need to get over it.

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