Post # 1
Hi WB Ladies…
As I’ve said in the past, my now husband is a mama’s boy. He loves and will defend his mother until the grave. Which isn’t a bad thing. It’s just that their relationship tends to get in the way of ours. I feel like he has no need for me because his mother could easily take my place. For instance:
-They share secrets
-He tells her when things happen before I even know about it
-Whenever he’s not at work he’s at his mother’s house
-They help each other make decisions
-Him and his younger brother (17 years old) like to lay in their mother’s bed and watch TV or just fall asleep
-Until recently she made doctors appointments for him, has paid his traffic tickets for him, set up insurance
-Cashes checks for him which irritates the hell out of me because I don’t want people to know how much money we have
This is just to name a few. Typically, she and I have an okay relationship. She wants me to be closer to her but it’s hard when I feel she takes my husband away from me instead of the other way around. I’ve told my husband how frustrating this is for me, especially when she is in the wrong and he takes her side and gets mad at me. In so many words, he’s told me to get over it. Well I’ve tried to understand their relationship and back off…until today.
I have an aunt who’s very aggressive. She says what she wants and can be very bossy. She dislikes the fact that my husband cusses on Facebook. I told my husband to block her and let it go because she’s nosey. Well today she texts my husband and says that she didn’t like that he was cursed in a comment under a picture of our daughter. My husband got very upset, told his mother and his mother wrote her own little facebook comment indirectly talking about my aunt. Then one of her friends commented.
I got upset at my husband because I believed 1) This was childish 2) He told her. Yes, my aunt was wrong for being in his business because he is a grown man but I think that it was even worse to bring his mother into it who gave her unwanted 2 cents. He claims he was only looking for advice but this is just another of the times when I am sick of this mother/son relationship.
Am I being irritational or what? Please help me.
Post # 3
may i ask how old your Fiance is? in all honesty, a lot of this behavior indicates a lower maturity level, so i’m not sure if it is an issue of him simply being younger and needing to grow up a bit or if these are habits they he is set in his ways with and might not go away. i feel for you- those are all a bit shocking.
Post # 4
pardon me, i did not read carefully enough to see that you are already married. if you are already man and wife and this is still going on, i think that is a really big issue and while it appears you have already spoken to him about these issues, it might be better if he hears it from a third party (i.e. counselor).
Post # 5
Think of the show “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Do you want to live like Deborah for the rest of your life?
Post # 6
Wow. There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to start. I agree with you that there isn’t anything wrong with your Darling Husband being close to his Mom, but he is taking it too far and violating your trust by telling her personal things about you and sharing your secrets without your consent. Also, his Mom took it too far by getting involved and trying to start something.
I don’t really have any advice, but I would definitely not stand for this. Good luck and i hope he comes around!
Post # 7
There are a million things wrong with this situation. I’d say counseling, stat. Go alone if he won’t go with you.
Post # 8
@ “Him and his younger brother (17 years old) like to lay in their mother’s bed and watch TV or just fall asleep”
i dont know whether this is cute or scary.
Do you guys live close to her? You need to get away or something. I would say make him unavailable; maybe go do stuff away for like 4 weekends straight just spending time just the two of you. That way he can used to not always being around his mom.
It’ll work out, hang in there!
Post # 9
@Mrs. Meowerson – He’s 23. He has heard it from a 3rd party. We had pre-marital counseling and we discussed not involving other people in our relationship. He says he know lots of other men who have this sort of relationship with their mother. It’s just not natural to me.
@Mrs.Alias – I don’t know if he tells my secrets. I surely hope not. I just know that they tell each other things that no one else knows about.
Post # 10
I agree about counseling. To have a healthy marriage, it’s crucial that the two of you are on the same “team,” rather than taking sides with your families against each other. There’s a good chapter about this in John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – you (and he) should check it out.
Post # 11
I agree with the other ladies – if you have tried to talk to him, maybe a third party would be helpful. I agree that this is a little strange – he should lean on you, his wife to help him if he doesn’t have time to cash a check.
Post # 12
Is your husband really young? From your posts, I’m hoping that he is 23 or younger. If he is above 25, well, um, I really don’t know what to say. Good luck though.
Post # 13
Your Darling Husband and Mother-In-Law and BIL ALL need serious counseling. That’s not a funny or sarcastic remark, I’m quite serious. Sleeping in their mother’s bed? It’s called uncosummated incest. It’s quite serious, and is a failure of their mother to set proper boundaries. It results in all kinds of behavioral issues, one of which being co-dependency, which is sounds like your Darling Husband and BIL both have. Really you can’t do anything about it besides suggest they all seek counseling, after which they will all jump down your throat and ask you what right you have to make accusations like that and how dare you and such. It’s a no-win situation. They will continue to be sick and you will continue to have to live with it and love it…or not.
Post # 14
@Aubergold – Yeah it’s a little odd to me. In my family we didn’t hang out in each other’s beds for fun… Also yes we live about 15 minutes away from each other. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get him away from work though. He doesn’t have the weekends off so that’s pretty much out.
I don’t know what a healthy mother/son relationship is but Idk if I can deal with this for much longer. It was getting much better and now it’s worse. If she will put my aunt on facebook because my husband is mad at her, then what will she say about me!
Post # 15
well, if you had premarital counseling and discussed all these issues there, did the behavior change before the wedding?
Post # 16
I agree with most things said here. He and his mother need to recongize that you and your husband are now a family. Being young (yes, 23 is fairly young) it’s hard to realize that you and your wife and child are now your #1 family. BUT, he needs to do this.
Also, I agree with your aunt that swearing under a facebook photo of a child (or at all) is tacky, but she shouldn’t also be saying anything to your husband about it.
All in all, he needs to start acting like a man. He’s acting like a boy. It sounds like you have a child together and that he’s actually a father… so he needs to act like that too. Be present at home, manage his finances, clean up his language online and elsewhere, and treat you like his #1 partner.