(Closed) our first fight as a married couple:(

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Aw that sucks 🙁 have you talked to him recently to see how he feels about you not working? Is money an issue? I could see myself being resentful if my fi didn’t work or go to school and I did both. But, it sounds like he maybe didnt handle his frustration in an appropriate way. Sounds like you maybe have to have some serious talks about who does what. Good luck.

Post # 4
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with Corgi that the real issue is something else beside the things you do around the house.

Have a heart to heart when you are both calm and see where things stand.  I hope that it was just a one time thing, but don’t wait too long to get help if you need it!

Post # 5
1254 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the previous posters. It sounds like there might be something else he is frustrated about that he is manisfesting on to you. A serious talk with him after things have calmed down will be helpful.

One thing I would suggest that you add during your conversation is to eliminate the name calling during your fights. It is very unproductive and so much more hurtful than shouting cuss words at each other. Name calling is personal and fully loaded with emotions. Further, it is less easy to forget by the person receiving it, and boomerangs right back to the person who is calling it (i.e., if he really thinks you are a lazy blankity blank he wouldn’t have married you).

Post # 6
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would definitely have a serious talk with him after you both calm down. I’m sure he was just in a bad mood, but there might be something real actually bothering him that he hasn’t been open about. And of course don’t worry, all couples fight it’s part of being in a relationship! 

Post # 7
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Did he actually call you names?  That is never ok.  Ranting & name calling are abusive.

I’m curious about him preferring that you be a housewife.  Is that your preference as well?  Is he uncomfortable with you being out in the big world & mingling with other people?

Post # 8
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I have similar concerns as sassy411.  Do YOU want to be a housewife?  If you don’t, can you start working part time so you don’t feel bad about occasionally buying something for yourself?  As for the name calling, that is never okay.  He needs to learn how to express his frustration in healthier ways.  I would have a serious discussion with him to see if something else is bothering him and to decide what you both want to do with your lives.

Post # 9
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I try to show my husband how much I love him by cooking and cleaning.  He prefers I show him I love him by being more affectionate with my words and actions.  So perhaps your husband is like mine and he overlooks the things that you are doing for him because it isn’t what he prefers.  

I would read the book, Love Languages.  I think it’s written by Gary Chapman.  It describes the different ways each of us shows love and the type of love that we crave.  It might be helpful for you and your husband.

Good luck.

Post # 10
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You say that he “implied that I was a worthless lazy blankity blank” – did he actually call you names? If so, that’s unacceptable. I’m with MissAsB – it sounds like the two of you need to sit down, discuss appropriate behavior when it comes to arguments, and have a frank discussion about the roles the two of you will play in your household. If he has changed his mind about you staying at home, or if something else is bothering him, he needs to address the actual issue rather than unproductively (and hurtfully) lashing out.

Post # 11
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

People actually try to show their husbands they love them through cleaning? That might be the start of the problem. I clean because I want to have a nice, pretty house-not to mention health reasons. Do you want to stay home?

Post # 12
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Did you used to work whilst you were engaged? It could be that he isn’t used to having you not contribute by helping to bring home a paycheck every week and he feels like he’s being trapped into playing a role he’s not comfortable with. I also have issues with the way he called you names, or even implied them. He can scream, yell, cry, whatever but he still needs to respect you and calling you names or even thinking that you are lazy is not respect.

The reason I ask about working prior is because this is exactly what DH and I first fought about. I used to work as a freelancer and since the wedding I’ve been going through a career change so I’ve become a housewife for the time being. It’s hard on me but what I didn’t realize that, although DH was really supportive of my career change, it also made him really stressed that suddenly he didn’t have me to count on financially for a while. Sounds like it’s definitely time for the two of you to sit down and figure this out.

Post # 13
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

View original reply
@desert_teacher: I would recommend this book as well . 

It sounds like this is a classic case that the book would talk about.  You think you are “showing love” by cleaning and cooking.  If that is not how he receives love though, it does nothing for him.  Maybe he would rather a messy house but having you less stressed to be able to relax with him (quality time).  

Post # 14
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I know how you feel. I’m not married, we don’t even live together. But I do clean and cook at both of our apartments, and he buys the food, takes out the trash, and does most of his dishes. It really ticks me off when he implies that what I do isn’t valuable because he is the one doing the buying. If I go to the store to get the food, put the food away, and cook the food, I’ve put more time into the meal than it took him to earn the money for it at work.

Rant over.

It’s good that he went to work instead of continuing the fight, it’ll give you both some time to cool off, and I bet he comes home with an apology.

Post # 15
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Don’t be hard on yourself. I plan on being a housewife for a while at least when we get married. He’s ok with that. Cooking and cleaning are work and you are definitely not lazy. I am not lazy either:). There are just some reasons that I would be staying at home for a while..not cause I am lazy. We are in agreement on it and I may work a bit later on. Don’t take those words to heart, what he said to you. You could say, in a loving way of course, that it hurt your feelings when he said those things to you. Pickin up after a man is a lot of work, lol, especially when it comes to the bathroom? Lol. Why are men so messy in the bathroom?? If my man ever called me lazy, which I don’t see him really doing, I would say, oh yeah? Then you clean off the hair and toenails off the toilet then! Why does he clip his toes over the potty? hehehe. Too Much Information I know.

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