Post # 1
Member
8 posts
Newbee
I know all relationships have ups and downs but lately it seems like the downs outway the ups. We have been married a little over two years and for the second time we are sinking into a low. Last year around the fall it started my husband was busy and I got pushed to the side. It took until late spring to really bounce out of it. We went on a great vacation this summer and I thought things were better. We had some great conversations about communicating and then we fell apart again.
We had talked about having trying to get pregnant last summer but put it off because of his school. We decided this year we would try because timing would be better for him. When we tried for the first time he got cold feet it seemed and tried to make up reasons we shouldnt. Went so far as to tell me he would still be busy and I would need to pick up the slack because he wouldnt be home a lot. It bothered me a lot that he said that. Its not like I sit at home all day I work over 40 hours a week and travel for work. We are a team and just because he has extra commitments I shouldnt be told I am going to raise our child alone. We have tried once in the past two months. I am ready but most times I approach him interested he acts like he doesnt get it and ignores my advances.
I feel hurt when he shuts me down. I told him the other day that and now he feels guilty and mopes around like its all his fault. I know bringing kids into this relationship is a bad idea. I have no oen to talk to about this with and I am stuck. From the outside everyone thinks we are perfect. He is my best friend and has been for a long time before we started dating even. It feels like a lot of time I am just living with my friend and he is my roomate that I have a ton in common with have fun hanging out with but the intamacy is not there and its where we have always struggled.
Has anyone been in similar situation, have advice how to get us out of the permantly? I feel like next year we will just slip back in.
Post # 2
Member
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
helpbee123: are you open to therapy? maybe there is something bothering him that he has trouble opening up about?
Post # 3
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
I’m sory you’re dealing with this. I think the best thing you could do – and hubby may not initially like it – is to seek a marriage counselor. You two are at an impasse. He needs to grow up and not mope/make excuses, and you need to become more assertive in your communication and how you allow him to treat you. A good counselor (or religious leader, if that’s more your style) could be a very helpful, neutral third party to help you two sort things out. It may also be worth him having a physical if he has no interest in sex – is that new? Is he having difficulty performing? I know a lot of men balk at going to a doctor or therapist, but I’d insist on it. He needs to check back into the relationship with you. There are even therapists who specialize in treating sexual concerns – maybe that would be an avenue to explore, to see how you two can revitalize your sex life and intimacy.
Post # 4
Member
8 posts
Newbee
I dont think its physical at all. He usually says he is tired from a busy day and just interested at night. Most common time for sex is on Sunday mornings when we sleep in, on his schedule. He goes to bed much earlier than I do.
Maybe counseling. I went once before years ago for myself and I saw no help come out of it so maybe it wouldnt be him that needed convincing but me. One paper everyone thinks we are great. We scored perfectly on our premarital counseling test. It pretty much determined how many times we need to meet with the minister before he married us and he said well thats it I am done you two answered the same on every question you are perfect. Maybe thats my hang up everyone thinks we are perfect and I am afraid another counseloring would see the same thing.
Post # 5
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
helpbee123: The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a tried and true awesome book. Maybe you can read it together? We’re in the process of doing that now and it’s really opened our eyes to some of our destructive habits- I noticed a couple of no nos from the book in your post. It helps that we can put a name on the habits from the book, and discuss objectively. Takes the edge off.
Post # 6
Member
8 posts
Newbee
MrsBuesleBee: Thanks I will go look at that
Post # 7
Member
1132 posts
Bumble bee
I 2nd counceling. DH and I hit a rough spot a few years ago just before we started TTC (seems to be a tipping point for a lot of couples). We saw a therapist who was AMAZING and worked through a lot of our issues. We are now extremely happy and have a wonderful 11 month old! I would go back to our counselor in a 2nd if we ever hit a snag. It never hurts to get a professional outside opinion and help with your communication skills.
Post # 8
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
helpbee123:
I think you guys need to communicate better; it sounds like your husband’s not ready but he’s shutting you out instead of admitting it. Counselling might help him talk about how he really feels.
Post # 9
Member
7308 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Mr. Lk and I hit a really rough spot in our relationship about 18 months after we got married. We kept having the same issues pop up over and over again, and we couldn’t seem to get past them. We agreed that if, after a year’s period of time, we were still having the same disagreements, we would seek professional counseling as a way to try and move forward. Well, a year passed, we were still arguing about the same things, I was in the process of looking for a counselor, and we had our biggest blow-out to date that finally brought the real underlying issue to light. Once the heart of the issue was exposed to daylight for both of us to really see, we were finally able to address it together and move forward. But if we hadn’t had that blow-out and that mutual “a ha!” moment, we would have been entering counseling. IMO, there’s no sense arguing about the same things over and over again. We were clearly stuck and in need of some outside perspective to get us un-stuck.
Post # 10
Member
8 posts
Newbee
lovekiss: I am glad you were able to find a way to work through what was causing you guys problems. I hope we can too. The biggest difference I see if we dont fight we dont argue we just shut each other out. The other day I was disappointed after being turned down again. He could tell somethign was up. I told him it bothered me but I was fine and could move on. It was out in the open and I can move on to figure out how to be better together. He gets so caught up in it that it still bothers him days later and he gets mopy and. That is the frustrating part. Sometimes I feel like he gets so emotional about me saying anything is wrong that it stops me from saying anything at all.
Ok the more I type the more I realize we have a big communication issue. Any recommendations on how to talk to him without him getting into a bad mood and closing down for days? I know I need to put it all out there but I am afraid he will see it as something more. He has seen my conversations like this before when we were dating. He was convinced I was dumping him one day when all I wanted was to talk about something bothering me.
Post # 11
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
Does he give you the silent treatment and completely shut you out? If so I think you should try counseling. The issue some people have with counseling is counselors don’t necessarily solve problems. They really don’t necessarily give advice either. They just ask questions that get you thinking and give you exercises to improve your self esteem, self awareness, and communication.
Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
Scarlett11: He doesnt give me the silent treatment or even shut me out just acts sad and when I asked whats wrong he says he is sorry for whatever he did that bothered me. When I tell him its ok and try and talk about it and moved past it he gets caught up and is sad for several days. If the subject changes or we are with friends he is totally fine.
Post # 13
Member
7308 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
helpbee123: Mr. Lk is a sensitive soul and absolutely hates upsetting me, so I get where you are coming from. A lot of it comes down to how I phrase things, and I must choose my words very carefully in order to avoid triggering that response in him. Sometimes it is inevitable, but many times those emotional landmines can be avoided. I have success when I note an issue in a neutral way that doesn’t blame him, or even allow him to blame himself. “Love, when X happens, the situation makes me feel upset. I feel upset because… . We both want to work on this issue, so can we brainstorm some ways to address x situation?” I never mention him, what he does, etc. I approach it as a situation we both share in, and I approach him as an equal team member in addressing that situation. It’s a technique that helps me initiate productive, thoughtful, level headed conversations about things that may be emotionally charged or otherwise difficult to deal with. Yeah…. it’s all about choosing the right words and saying them in the right way to avoid his instinct for self-recrimination.
Post # 14
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
helpbee123: I’m glad to hear he isn’t just totally shutting you out. To me that is more promising on a communication front. Except that even though it isn’t silent treatment you still describe it as shutting down for days resulting in you having to tiptoe around him and you can never be sad/mad because it just isn’t worth it (I was in a similar relationship). If he’s really so sad about hurting you I would suggest trying to set up communication rules with him that include talking things out in x amount of time and no moping around. When I was in the silent treatment relationship I went to counseling by myself and it helped me move on. But maybe if you go together it could help your communication instead.