(Closed) Our situation is hopeless, don't know what to do anymore

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: What should I do?
    dont bring it up anymore--let him deal with it the way he wants : (39 votes)
    31 %
    continue pressing the issue or it will never get resolved : (60 votes)
    48 %
    other (please explain) : (27 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 3
    4433 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    If the tests came back normal, is there something else going on ? Id hate to bring it up and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but the first thing that came to my mind is maybe there’s someone else, or that he’s satisfying himself with porn alone etc etc. 

    Post # 5
    3478 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    If his doctor is saying it’s not physical, then there’s a strong possibility it’s mental (as you mentioned, he has a lot of stress) has he talked to anyone about this? 

    I think counseling, either for him alone, or for both of you as a couple, could really be beneficial to getting to the root of these issues.  

    Ignoring the issue isn’t any better than lashing out at him, if you’re not happy as individuals you’ll never be happy as a couple.  Obviously the current tactics aren’t working, so maybe it’s time to try the professionals? 

    Post # 8
    9188 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    Right now he probably associates sex with a lot of work and emotional baggage (guilt, pressure to perform, etc) and it’s easier to just avoid it altogether.  If you work with him to make new associations, he might be more inclined to take the pills etc.

    Does he get into it once things get going?  Maybe you could surprise him sometime with a BJ – make it clear that you’re just doing it for fun and that there’s no pressure on him to finish, etc.  

    Post # 9
    4433 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Armina33:  I think there’s more to it.  I know cut and dry would be oh his libido is low and he has no umph to get on meds. I feel like he’s putting off the meds because he knows why his libido is low. I dont know. if he can watch porn and get off. He can have sex.  He is capable of having sex as you know. as far as I’m aware, ED wpulsing know the difference whether he’s stressed or not. ED doesn’t say oh hey I’m stressed let me not get up.  Being stressed can cause low performance and or none at all but ED doesn’t usually come and go. 

    Post # 10
    9557 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Well, if stress is a big part of the issue, what can you both do to reduce his stress levels?

    Also, you could just go pick up the prescription, so that they don’t get rid of it. But tell him that he doesn’t have to take them until he’s ready. But then they’re at least closer. And he doesn’t have to go get them (maybe he’s embarrased?). 

    But it’s definitely important to keep up the dialogue about this. You don’t want to force him into anything, but it should continue to be discussed. And it might be good to remind him that it’s very common to lose libido if you’re not having sex. It’s a cycle. But if you get back to having sex, his libido will likely rise on its own.

    Post # 11
    3478 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    DH and I went through something similar a few years ago, not quite to your degree, but it got to the point where any time I initiated things (and that was the only time things happened) DH would respond, usually in an exhaspirated tone, with “alright fine, but it’s going to be a quickie”.  Finally, I got to the point that I started ending things there and telling him “Nevermind, I don’t want a quickie”, and before long, we were down to less than once every 1-2 months. 

    Finally, we started talking about it, and it was a combination of stress from both our works, mixed with his mental issues with feeling like he was “inadequate” and rather than working on it with ME, he withdrew and started watching porn more, and just generally grew more and more distant (Please note, I am NOT blaming porn here, that was just one factor).  Once we could talk openly about WHY he had no desire, we were able to get to the root of it and resolve it.  Communication really is important with this issue, staying silent and/or waiting for it to go away on its own will only create more barriers between you as a couple. 

    DH has similar feelings about counseling, and wasn’t really willing to talk to a stranger about it, but I was, and my being in counseling helped me to better communicate MY feelings with him so we could get to the root of his.  I’ve also known couples where one starts going, and later the other sees the benefit and begins going too.  It’s at least worth giving it a try, obviously he’s feeling lost and/or confused about what’s happening with him, shutting down about it wont get you anywhere.  

    Post # 12
    7931 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Maybe he is embarassed…I’d just go pick up the pills myself.


    Post # 14
    45534 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    ED is a tremendously difficult burden for men to deal with.  There are many causes- physical, mental and emotional. Any of them may have him questioning his masculinity to the core.

    Post # 15
    388 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Does he take any other medicine?  There are many drugs that have side effects of low libido.  

    Post # 16
    5014 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I would go to counseling and also pick up the prescription for him. 

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