(Closed) Our Situation

posted 7 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

While I can’t say what is “right” for you, I think the thing needs to be that you need to be on the same page about these things. You have to figure out where you stand, since this is in the Christian board I can say this: you need to figure out where you stand on what teh Bible says about your situation, and then determine if what he believes and what you believe mesh. Do you have an issue with him drinking? Do you have an issue with the premarital sex? Does your faith have issues with the differences in the two approaches you two have? This is what you have to figure out. 

Again, since this is in the Christian section, I will not sugar coat this. The Bible is fairly clear on its stance on some of the issues you have said come up. You have to decide if you want to believe and follow that or not. And only you can decide how you feel and how your relationship will work. 

Post # 4
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was in a similar situation with my ex as you are in now.  Do not think cause he’s my ex that I’m biased.  We had many other reasons to break up than religion. 

He did believe in God and I saw him baptised.  He does love the Lord.  I will not deny that in any way.  He decided to leave me to follow his other dreams in his life and I respect him for that.  I thought I couldn’t live without him and was determined to marry him.  Looking back though, and praying about it, I realized something.  The number one question to ask yourself is: does he help your faith grow?  Does who he is (not just occasional encouraging words) but his very nature cause you to praise the Lord?

The man I married is very patient and kind, and forgiving.  His traits like this let me know that the Lord can forgive me of my quick temper, even when I feel I’m hopeless.  His patience teaches me to be patient, his kindness teaches me kindness.  No, my husband isn’t perfect.  He has his faults too.  But I know that when things get tough, I can count on him to cause me to honor and praise my Lord and Saviour.

You know in your heart of hearts whether or not this man encourages you this way.  I’m also not going to sugarcoat anything.  You know if you’re questioning this.  You know when the Lord is whispering to you, and calling you close.  You know if you are being pushed closer to God, or further away by being with this man. 

As I said I’m sure he is a fine and wonderful man.  But you know if the yoke is equal or not.

I’m praying for you.

Post # 5
4 posts

hi, to erin85 let me go for more bilical explanation since you said you are both Christians.Perhaps the right question about your boyfriend is he really a Christian? if he does drink alcohol and he give up meeting of the Saints every sunday and he violates the rules in sex w/c should be done for married couple only, do you think he has a real thinking of a Christian? a good tree does not bear a bad fruit, not because he is Christian since kindergarten or for 20 yrs, that does not matter, Christianity reflects in the way of life, even in choosing a partner. If he really loves you he will love more the God who will preserve both of you till the end. one good thing about you is you were really bothered about the sin you both are committing, i pray you will have more courage to show up and stand up for your faith that accords to the Scripture whatever the cost, choose to obey the Word of God not the word of man.. Grace to you!

Post # 6
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Following rules doesn’t make you more of a Christian than breaking rules.  Sin is sin is sin, and lots of things that many Christians dare not do are not sin.  Like alcohol.  Remember Paul saying all things are lawful, but not expedient?  As long as your boyfriend doesn’t break the law when he drinks (ie, DUI), I don’t think it’s a sin.  Dancing is another thing.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say dancing is a sin, but many Christians have demonized it.  So, I wouldn’t question your boyfriend’s Christianity.  Once saved, always saved.

But you guys should get on the same page on some other issues.  You need to talk about how often you will go to church if you get married, how you plan to raise your children as Christians, and how you plan to center your lives around Christ – or not!  🙂  Basically you just need to talk this out and come to an agreement.  It won’t be easy.  It wasn’t for my Fiance and me.  (I dislike going to church frequently.) 

So good luck, and I hope that helps.

Post # 7
4371 posts
Honey bee

Is it un-Christian to drink alcohol? Jesus did turn water into wine after all. As long as he doesn’t overdo it or becomes abusive or drink and drive, why is it an issue? I mean, it’s ok if you don’t want your Fiance to drink, but I don’t think it has anything to do with religion. Obviously you’ll have to come to some agreement on the sex. But as long as you say no, there’s really much more to discuss than that, right?

Post # 8
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have to agree with cubicalmouse. I don’t think drinking is a sin. As for how many times he goes to church.. My fiance & I don’t go every Sunday to church & I think it’s ok. To me, I don’t think there is a set “rule” saying you have to go to church every single Sunday if you are a Christian. Really.. Jesus is wherever you are. And for the sex before marriage.. Everyone makes mistakes. We were in the same situation. We decided a long time ago that we were not going to have sex anymore because we KNEW it was a sin. & still to this day we haven’t slipped up once. And yes, some people say.. “Well if you’ve already had sex then why quit because you’ve already messed up”.. Well.. Since we know it’s a sin, then why keep doing it. I think it’s worse if you continue to do the one thing you KNOW is wrong. 

I think you & him are on the right track. Ya’ll just have to get on the same page & agree about the decisions ya’ll make together. 

Post # 9
4 posts

@soupycat: Jesus Christ demonstrate his sovereignty over all as GOD that HE can turn water into wine, that does not mean that HE was tolerating men into drunkenness.

Post # 10
220 posts
Helper bee

I have not been in this situation, but I do see some possible red flags.  I feel like it’s really important for marriages where at least one person is serious about their faith for the couple to be on the same page spiritually- though I don’t think you have to agree on every theological detail, for instance, many Christians think it’s ok to drink in moderation.  Regarding premarital sex, is it that he’s made mistakes in the past, or that he wants to continue having premarital sex?  Is he pressuring you to go farther than you want?  Is he a serious believer who has some different beliefs than you, but is still within the bounds of traditional Christian belief?  Or do you get the feeling he’s only attending church to please you?

Would you consider talking to a pastor or Christian relationship counselor about this?  Even better if he will go with you.

Post # 11
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hi @Erin85: I think it’s clear that there are Christians of many denominations and schools of thought here, and that’s good. Personally, I think that if he loves God and tries to be a good Christian, and supports you in your faith, you’ll be fine. My Fiance was raised Quaker – his family goes wayyy back in the Quaker tradition. While of course, I want him to accept Jesus (not all Quakers are Christian) and fully join me in my faith, what matters most to me right now is that he believes in and loves God, he is a good person, and he wholeheartedly supports me in my faith. He even comes to church with me most Sundays. We are at the beginning of our journey – I have lots of time to talk him around. 😉 If your Fiance is not preventing you from being the Christian you want to be, or failing to support you, I don’t think there’s a problem. It doesn’t sound like you two are completely on different pages. Just think of it as being a witness. Maybe it’s God’s plan to bring you two together so you can preach through your actions and love. 🙂

I also don’t believe that drinking is a sin (unless it’s to excess often) and I don’t think that missing church once and awhile will send me to Hell. Those, in my opinion, are pretty minor sins, if you see them that way. In the scheme of things, it could be a lot worse. Nobody’s perfect. What matters is trying. I do my best, and I know that’s what God asks of me.

All that said, if you are really concerned about this being a deal-breaker, I agree with @coastalbee88: that talking to your pastor, maybe actually without him at first, about your concerns would be a good idea.

Post # 12
4 posts

the question here is, are we faithful to the Word of God? we always say “oh thats ok! i think its minor.” we just say it or think of it, but what really the bible say about us about what we do, what does God think of us? are we aware? Jesus died for the payment of our sins regardless if it is minor or major, in fact there is no minor or major because in the little detail of sin that we do is we deserve the wrath of God. To erin85, your concern is a matter of faithfulness into God’s Word, you are the one who know the situation at all, if you need comfort i cant give you, what i would do is to make it clear to you and encourage you to continue to testify Christ not only to your fiance but to all who in need of the Word of God. Romans 10:17 “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word of Christ.” if your fiance wouldnt go to church with you or by himself or the both of you do not commit time to study the Word of God, how do you expect your fiance to response?

Post # 13
4371 posts
Honey bee

@anonrav26: then why didn’t he just turn it into orange juice? Same “sovereignty” effect without getting people drunk. 

Post # 14
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Erin, I think this totally normal. You both have faith, but you’re not quite at the same level, and that’s okay. It seems like, from the examples you gave, that you just have different interpretations of your faith, and not that you’re “unequally yoked.”

I know many a Christian man (and woman) who enjoys alcohol (in moderation), who occasionally misses church, and who struggled with issues of premarital sex and purity. These issues don’t make a relationship doomed or a faith fake — they make the person mortal. Human. Not perfect. Just as God created us.

Are you actually worried about your relationship, or are comments from others planting seeds of doubt in your mind?

In terms of the sex stuff — I think most Christians who abstain or try to abstain before the wedding struggle. When we were dating/engaged, my husband was nowhere near as steadfast as I was in waiting. That doesn’t make him a bad Christian. He’s a guy who was in love with and attracted to his girlfriend/fiancee. Now that we’re married, he’s told me how glad he is that I was stronger in my willpower because the wait was worth it.

All of that to say…we’re human. We have faults and we’re not perfect. So you’re not doomed. You’ll just need to decide together how you want to handle these issues in which there are differences.

Post # 15
4 posts

@soupycat: you have a point, but is it enough to conclude that maybe He allows drunkenness? God doesn’t do these things in an irrational, nonsensical
unplanned thing. Miracles were not done as gimmicks to entertain people or to tolerate them. They were purposeful. God’s miracles reveal God, and they reveal the nature of God.

“..They didn’t have the purification process, water was worse to drink than wine was. And in those parts of the world when it was hot, in the times of heat they would need to have their thirsts quenched. And wine was used with milk, and, of course, milk was used for other than festival occasions, milk was used much with children as it is today. But wine was the staple drink and it could be the wine from many different kind of fruit, many fruit juices but primarily from grapes because they lended themselves so well to the production of wine.Now because there was no preservatives for that wine and because there was no freezing or refrigeration technique, there was the problem that the wine did ferment and develop an intoxicating power. Because of that and because they had to drink it because it was the only drink they had, its use became very, very definitely restricted, though very necessary because it was the drink of the day. And drunkenness became a monumental disgrace. In fact, in the time of Christ, for the most part, wine was a mixture of three parts water for every two parts of wine in order to eliminate this problem of drunkenness. But on a very warm occasion, on a hot time when a man would want to be working and want to quench his thirst, it would be very easy for him to become intoxicated with wine so the Bible put tremendous stringent rules on the consumption of wine and drunkenness, both Old Testament and New Testament, right? They teach explicitly about drunkenness, absolutely sinful.Now today we don’t have that problem. We don’t have that problem. We have all kinds of preservatives. We don’t need to even fool with those things that can ferment. We have preservatives, we have refrigeration techniques and we can gain the same flavor and we can gain the same thirst-quenching thing out of Welchs or whatever else and it has no ill effect on us. And so, because of the fact that we have these preservatives that eliminate the necessity for any kind of fermentation, we don’t have that same problem, except that today we have decided to create fermentation. And the wine and the alcoholic drinks that are prepared today are prepared purposefully to dull people’s senses. And you can read it on the bottle, it took them 35 years to get it the way they wanted it.You say, “Do you think it’s wrong for a Christian to drink?” Not only wrong, unnecessary. In those days they were drinking it because they had to drink it and because God knew they had to drink it there were tight restrictions put on it. Today we’re eliminated from that necessity and drinking today is, of course, strictly and option and it’s an optional killer. It’s not a necessity anymore and above that it’s a stumbling block..”  


–in bible meditation you cannot just conclude quickly, you need further study. you need to consider the culture, the current situation, the people involved, the author and all the things that is necessary to the study. you can visit the site for further study, if you really want to know. i dont force you to believe what i say but i encourage you to find out if what i say is true, only the Word of God can give us enlightenment. Grate to you!


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