Post # 1
… and Bees, let’s just say I feel bad for whatever girl he’s got up there. Because he is no good. No good at all.
I think the poor guy just never really learned how to have sex properly. So he only has two speeds — well, okay, I’ll cut him some slack and say three speeds: 1, 4, and 5. He always starts out with 4, ramming at high speed with lots of loud, animalistic grunting. Then I guess he gets a little too fired up so he drops back down to speed 1. Then after a few seconds of this, I guess the fear of premature ejaculation decreases enough for him to return to speed 4. There will be a few cycles of this RAMRAMRAMRAM–slowwwww slowwww RAMRAMRAMRAMRAM–slowwwww slowwww before it’s time for his dismount, which involves kicking the speed up from 4 to 5 and grunting even louder and more psychotically until suddenly, all is quiet.
I’ve been forced to listen to a lot of sex in my life, but this guy takes the cake as the most distracting and annoying sex I’ve laid ears on. And that includes college. I want to bang on the ceiling and scream “you’re doing it wrong!” Or maybe put a note under his door that says “I don’t care if you have sex; just please do it better.” And maybe include a DVD with the episode of Friends where Monica teaches Chandler how to have sex.
Darling Husband and I literally cannot ignore him when he gets going — we have to discuss how awful it sounds every single time. And the grunting, my god, the grunting! It’s worse than my amorous next-door neighbors freshman year of college. At least the girl was enjoying herself then. At least he makes us feel better about our sex life
What’s the worst sex you’ve had to listen to?
Post # 3
Does waking up to hearing my parents get busy count. That is the most horrible sound in the world if you ask me, lol
Post # 4
LMAO!! The people next door refuse to have sex without opening the bedroom window so everyone can hear. Its usually about 2 minutes of reallllllly loud grunting and her saying “give it to me harder” then he finishes and they are silent. lol.
Post # 5
@Mrs.Jansen: OH NO!!! Haha I share a wall with my folks whenever I stay at their house, but I have never had to listen to that! I think I might be scarred for life!
Post # 6
@iarebridezilla: I’ve never had to listen to anyone else’s sex, thank goodness!
I definitely think you should leave a hilarious note. 😉
Post # 8
@iarebridezilla: Believe me when I say that it is the most horrible thing a child can experience. Now I always worry my kids will hear us so we will turn on the dryer when we know the are awake. hehe
Post # 9
hahahahahahahaha!!!! That’s hilarious! I’m a sound sleeper and usually go to bed pretty early so I’ve been spared ever having to listen to someone else!
Post # 10
@stephko99: Hearing other people’s dirty talk is the best. Senior year of college, a couple got super drunk and was having loud sex filled with ridiculous dirty talk. A group of us sat in the hallway outside their door laughing and laughing at the things they were saying. It was a running joke for the rest of the year! And yet, I cannot remember a single thing they said now Such a shame — it was the funniest sh*t in the entire world!
Post # 11
I was dating a guy who had a roommate that lived in the downstairs part of the house. He didn’t have girls over that often (he was a total D-bag, so he probably couldn’t get many girls to come back to the house with him…) but once he had a female friend visit for the weekend. They ended up having sex and it seriously sounded like a jackhammer and went on for-ev-er. It was all the same speed, the whole time, for like 45 minutes. Super fast, ram-ram-ram-ram-ram-ram-ram-ram-ram. And the girl, well, she moaned loudly for pretty much the entire 45 minutes and it was SO obvious she was faking it. She couldn’t have been enjoying it that much for that long, especially considering he was just going at it like a jackhammer.
The best part was, my Boyfriend or Best Friend at the time told me that the next day, the roommate approached him and was like “I had the best sex last night, she must have had like 12 orgasms! She even told me I had to stop because it felt so good she couldn’t handle anymore!” HAHAHAHA. Um…OK…if you think so…
It was hilarious.
Post # 12
@Mrs.Jansen: i’ve heard mine too! a couple time ewwww – i threw a shoe at the door once and my mom yelled at me the next morning for staying up so late.
I have this strange memory of being really really young and hearing my mom in their room say “oh god, oh god” and i remember being terrified thinking something horrible was happening to her! it wasn’t until much much later that i realized what I was actually hearing.
Post # 13
Oh my gosh this is hilarious!!!
I haven’t heard anyone that clearly through walls in a while. My very first apartment, the guy upstairs had a gf who was ANNOYINGLY loud. Like, faking it loud. Either that or he was just that good?
Oh, and one time, I heard my brother’s ex-gf and her new bf (they lived in the same complex as us) going at it…I was walking to get the mail (mail slots were outside their apt door) and I heard her, then I heard him say “YOU’RE DONE ALREADY!?” Oh my gosh it was mortifying because she was still (and still is) a close friend.
Post # 14
Ugh, I feel your pain! My I shared a wall with my college suitemate one year, and it was not fun. He moved his bed to the middle of his room so that it wouldn’t be right up against the wall, but it didn’t help. He and his girlfriend would go at it quite loudly at all hours of the day and night. SOMETIMES NOT EVEN WITH THE DOOR CLOSED.
Post # 15
Oh wow, I’m sorry about your neighbor!
The worst I’ve heard was our old, sleazy landlord at the time getting it on in the apartment downstairs. He didn’t live there, it was the hang-out space for his employees who worked in his business next door. I had to listen to him grunt and moan over a rythmic bang-bang-bang in the room below while I was in bed with a bad migraine. When they left I looked out the window. Lo and behold, he was not with his wife but with a very young employee. Eew.
Post # 16
@iarebridezilla: Thats the best part of hearing people have sex! lmao.
Worst part about it though is that their window is right by the entrance to the apartment so kids are always walking past and probably asking their parents why they sound like dying pigs. lol.