(Closed) Our wedding has made me friendless!!

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 182
Member
1874 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m just going to say this, I dont think it would kill anyone to be without their SOS for a few hrs. I understand a long term relationship or at least someone serious but this is the bride’s wishes and they have to learn to respect that. I am not allowing single ppl to bring dates and those who aren’t married that are coming have been with their SOS for at least a year. If the couple doesnt know me or Fiance then they dont need to be at our wedding. Period point blank. They will understand when the time comes for their wedding and their guest list keeps growing and they have to pay for it.

Post # 183
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

@blueskies7:  The point is friend #2 isn’t asking for a plus one, she’s asking to bring her significant other that she has been with for more than a year.

Etiquette doesn’t change, it doesn’t matter what you’re hosting, not even if you’re the bride or groom.  You still have to do what you would do in any other situation: invite couples together.  If it’s not a girls’ night out or a boys’ day, you should always give couples the option to attend together.  If one chooses not to, that’s fine, but that isn’t the case here.

I hate to be the one who breaks it to you, but your guests don’t care about your “special touches” and probably won’t notice a lot of them, especially if they aren’t usually in tune with details.  If I had noticed the “special touches” and liked them, I would still remember it as the wedding where the bride & groom split social units and couldn’t understand the conept of hosting, even if I still thought fondly of an open bar or that you had good food.  A photobooth or nice flowers wouldn’t register with me for longer than a couple weeks, but splitting significant others would stick in my mind.  And I can promise you, people who aren’t detail oriented or who don’t care about things like flowers (read: most people) would remember than you didn’t invite their girlfriend.

People talk, regardless of how much they like you.  Don’t give them a reason to.

 

And just so you know, there is a formula you apply to all weddings: be polite to your guests (etiquette), because you are a host/hostess (not the center of attention or the person the party is for, as it is rude to throw a party in your honour and, I will repeat again, it is FOR THE GUESTS).  Splitting couples is rude to your guests.  If you care more about your pretty princess day, fine.  But don’t act surprised if people are insulted or think poorly of your hosting skills.

Post # 184
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AnastasiaM:  you have no idea what those special and unique touches are. if I had specified what they were, it wouldve made sense for you to comment on them.

for you to say comments such as “if you care more about your pretty princess day, fine etc” – having an attitude like that is going to resonate with your friends circle as far as how they remember you as a person more than the fact that you didnt split up a boyfriend and girlfriend at your wedding. it is an insult that is uncalled for bc I have not indicated anywhere that I care more about my day than my guests.

again, you are assuming that every guest NEEDS a plus one and that details can ALWAYS be cut to accommodate every single SO. how about the fact that every guest on our 300+ list is a close friend or family member, or friends with my parents to where they just could not be cut for a random SO? how about that the city I live in, the amount of places that allow outside catering, as we need very specific food for our reception, are less than 5? and that only 2 of those can accommodate more than 300? btw they are charging us $50 per head just in outside catering fees, so food would be an entirely separate cost per person. add to that, that each person without a plus one has come to US saying they dont need a plus one and would be happy to attend without one, as they know our guest list is growing. did you think of those scenarios? probably not. no offense but I see that you are on the waiting list, so until you actually start planning and putting money and logistics on paper, start hardcore venue searching and creating a guest list, it’s hard to take your comments seriously.

last, see

View original reply
@LuvMySailor:‘s last emily post comment. clearly says bfs and gfs that do not reside together need not be invited together.

I mean this without any snarkiness, good luck with planning your wedding.

 

Post # 185
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

@blueskies7:  I will repeat myself again: plus ones are unnecessary.  Significant others are mandatory.

It appears you ignored the Emily Post link I gave saying they were necessary: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies.  It is also important to note that years ago, people would get married much more quickly than they do today.  Today, a couple that starts dating at 17 may not get married until they’re 25 and done school.  50 years ago, they would likely have been married at 19.  Would the couple from 50 years ago be any more serious than if they were today and chose to wait?  No.  People wait for a variety of smart reasons (afford the wedding they want, finish school, etc) and to say “well, you don’t have a ring so that’s not good enough for us, we don’t think you’re serious” is judgemental and rude.  How do you know that the long distance couple that is apart for school that has been together for 3 years is less committed or significant to their partner than the local couple who moved in at 6 months?  You don’t and shouldn’t try to judge what is “good enough” or “significant enough” or “serious enough” to make the cut as a SO.  Let your guests decide.

It’s a pity that things are expensive where you live, but that is the case for many people who still manage to invite SOs.  Also, a couple being close to 300 people is skeptical from a psychological standpoint and the number of relationships a person can maintain, but I’ll go with it.  You may have to lose aspects of your dream wedding to do it, but there are ways for things to be done cheaply.  There are non-traditional venues that are cheaper than hotels, golf courses, etc (I’ve heard several people say good hings about fire halls, for example).  It sucks, I totally agree on that… I am also going to be on a serious budget!!

However, I think we both know that neither of us is going to change the other’s minds on this matter, so this discussion isn’t going to get us anywhere.

Post # 186
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AnastasiaM:  I believe all 

View original reply
@blueskies7: was trying to say is that different couples have different restrictions, capabilities, etc., and that there are multiple ways to go about the invite list.  There are strong differences of opinions, sure, but they are just opinions, not universal laws. You need to accept that, and have a little more respect for others and their choices. 

Post # 187
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I can only speak to my own experiences not anyone elses so I hope I don’t get totally flamed for this.

I know I am supposed to be a totally empowered woman who doesn’t need a man in her life and I am really good at that most of the time. But the absolute worst was going to a wedding single. It was fine in my early twenties, but as time ticked on I found it harder to stomach. People will come up to you and ask “How come your not married?” Like there is one glaring reason I am alone and I am going to tell them what it is. Or someone will try to be reassuring and say, “Don’t worry you’ll be next” and make you feel completely pathetic. At least if you bring a date you don’t get the pity looks from seemingly happy married/engaged people or the rude comments. The worst they will say to you is ask “when are you two getting married?” Which is ackward but definately better.

I plan on giving a plus 1 to anyone who wants one because I know how it’s made me feel before, and I want them to be as comfortable as possible.

Post # 188
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow. It’s incredible how arrogant some people are. It’s sad how some get on their high horse and think it’s good manners to dictate to others how they should behave at their own wedding. Arrogance is a really unattractive quality. Weddingbee should have a policy of asking posters to proof read what they’ve written. It really riles me that people can be so damn rude.

 

Post # 189
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@LuvMySailor:  Word.

It should comfort OP to know that Miss Manners agrees on this point.  And DON’T NOBODY MESS WITH MISS MANNERS.  😛

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