Post # 1
(Rant/openly desperate plea for love and support from strangers to follow):
We have a very international and well-traveled group of friends, but we thought that by having the wedding at home, it would make it easier for people to come. Out of 163 invites, only 50ish are coming. The wedding is only two weeks away, so I don’t expect any huge increases. And not to sound needy, but I had to chase down most of the 113 “nays”. They didn’t visit the website, they didn’t call to wish us a happy wedding, they didn’t send a card, nothing. Out of apprx 30 people on his side, only four — FOUR — are coming. And these are all first-degree relatives (he has a lot of siblings, and they all have kids). I was really shocked when they didn’t even send personal well-wishes, but instead just forwarded a collective “nay” to a central relative to convey to us en masse. I’m not begging for gifts here, just a little love and support.
I mean, I get it, life is crazy, and since our jobs make us move a lot, we totally get the extra pressures on all our friends because most are in similar situations. But I sent the invites out with 2+ months to spare, and I emailed or chatted up all the ones I really cared about coming even before that just to make sure they saved the date. I don’t even have a real bridal party. I asked my sisters to be my bridesmaids, but they live far away and we’ve only talked maybe four times during the whole engagement. I have no one to help me make DIY decor, to help me figure out the seating plan, to go to catering tastings with me…I even went dress shopping alone.
I planned this ceremony that was hugely based on community and support and how love builds us all up as a community. It feels like a joke now. We’re outgoing people who enjoy our social life…what the hell happened?
Post # 3
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry. Has anyone provided an explanation?
Post # 4
That sucks! Are you having it on a weekday, or outside in a hot state? If you are busy and move a lot, it’s likely that your friends and family are in the same sort of situation. Have you been able to make it to their special events?
Post # 5
Wow. I would be… so so so upset. You have every right. 163 invitations, and only 50 attending! Wow. I don’t really know what to say to console you other than at least you know who your true friends and family are. To those who aren’t making an effort – well, maybe it’s not worth making the effort for them after this. I’m so sorry you are hurting 🙁 I hope you feel better, maybe have a glass of wine (or 4) and try to focus on the people that love you enough to be there?
Also, like @hopeandpray said, any explanations?
Post # 6
Consider love and support given from this stranger! How very disappointing that people aren’t coming through for you — especially his siblings! There are certain things that you do when you can’t attend a big event like a wedding: the basic level is send back the RSVP that you were given. For a family member, you’d think you’d call and send your best wishes and a gift!
You sound like a lovely person, and so I doubt that this is a thing, but I think it would be worth making some discreet inquiries to relatives to trust to see if there is anything else going on, either with them or with you, or what the deal is there.
Bright side: you’re going to have a lovely wedding for less money than you expected to. Take the extra dough and put it into a great honeymoon, a house fund, wherever you’ll feel good about it going. <3
Post # 7
Thank you all for the sweet words 🙂 His family lives out of state, so they all just said they couldn’t make the trip, what with kids and the economy and all. Still…they could have at least called or sent a card, you know?
I had maybe 3 really close girlfriends (from out-of-state) that I wanted to be there, but they’ve all been unable to make it (two weeks before the wedding) due to expense.
I only had two local girlfriends (that I also adore) that I considered being my helper bees. Both bowed out. I asked if they would mind helping me plan my bachlorette party. Both said no because work was just so crazy right now. I ended up planning the darn thing myself, until a friend stood up and took over (I now look at her with more gratitude and love than ever before).
The funny thing is, we had originally planned to semi-elope. But the family threw a hissy fit, saying we were making it too hard to attend. So we did it locally, spent 3x the amount of money we had planned, and were prepared for this totally lovely, community-based event. I’ve been reading a lot of the other posts similar to this, and I get it: focus on the ones who are there, treat them like VIPs, just make it about the two of you. But we snuck off and signd the papers a few weeks ago, so this was truly just a celebration for our friends and family. I’m not sure how to focus on the “intimate affiar” happy-face side of this when, of those who are coming, most are just good friends from work or the “+1” of someone else.
Help me make lemonade of this!
Post # 8
P.S. The wedding is in two weeks…so the money is spent. But I REALLY appreciate all the support.
Post # 9
@echammond: I’d say a majority being from out of state is explanation enough to not take it personal. If they lived in the same city, there’d be no excuse, but gas is high right now, and airfare isn’t any better. I would definitely call out the ones who aren’t coming who were giving you grief about eloping, though. You don’t guilt someone into throwing a wedding and then not come unless you’re a complete asshole.
Post # 10
I am so sorry – I too would be so disappointed. I wish there was something more we could do, it is really really sucky when close family and friends let you down. ((HUGS))
ETA: Just read your prior post, I’m from Maryland too – Woodlawn Manor is GORGEOUS by the way, your wedding will be lovely! I don’t think this area is particularly difficult or expensive to travel to for people from out of state, and with DC down the street people with kids could easily make an educational vacation out of it. So that’s a double bummer 🙁
Post # 11
@echammond: I hear ya. Instead of focusing on those people not coming, focus on the ones who will be there for you.
No idea if this will make you feel better, but here goes. We invited 146 to our wedding and 68 attended, but we were both really happy to see those 68 people. There were some people that I was sad weren’t there-most of his immediate family wasn’t there in part because of distance and in part (I think) because he was married before and they attended his first wedding. There were also some very close friends of mine who RSVP’d no, with no explanation. But on our wedding day I was soooooo happy to be getting married that I didn’t think about the people who weren’t there. I’ll also tell you, even with only 68 people it was hard to talk with everyone at the wedding. So smaller, more intimate weddings mean more time with the guests! 🙂
Post # 12
@EffieTrinket: I completely agree – total asshole move. You could have just eloped or had a destination wedding instead. I’d def write them and say you were surprised they aren’t attending since they had insisted on this event in the first place.
Post # 13
how horrible!! I’m so sorry! there doesn’t seem to be anything to do but to try and enjoy the ceremony with your hubby. I’d be there if you invited me 😉
Post # 14
Oops, I guess I didn’t give any advice for how to feel better about all this. How about you just focus on the fact that you have been gifted with an intimate wedding where you can really interact and enjoy the guests that are there? And also consider this your “get of jail free card” for when you are invited to something in the future by a non-show. No guilt at all if you decide not to come.
Regarding not receiving a card or congratulations – I’m hoping they are waiting for after the wedding to send something.
Post # 15
Wow, I am so sorry. I guess on the plus side, at least you know what you’re dealing with. You have the next two weeks to re-envision (somewhat) your wedding day. It will be a smaller wedding than you expected, but it will still be filled with a group of people who care about and support you. When you look back on your day, it will probably seem like everyone who was supposed to be there is there.
By the time your honeymoon rolls around, it probably won’t even seem like a big deal anymore.
Post # 16
Aww, I am so sorry! We’re inviting about 120 but only expecting maybe 50 because it’s long distance for like 90% of the people. I’m ok with this but still afraid we’ll only end up with like 20 that actually come 🙁 If this happens I told Hubs that we’re gonna use the extra money from them not coming and go on an awesome cruise! lol. Maybe if you can save ANY money (food, alcohol, whatever) use that on something that will make you happy 🙂