(Closed) Out of ideas for dealing with in-laws…help!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This happens a lot and something similar happened to me (although not the huge guest list, but yes to the fancy out of the way location)

I really thing the best way to handle this is to smile and say Thank You. Let them impress their friends and when you two want to leave, you leave. Everyone else can decide to stay and party, but you do not have to.

RD’s for some parents is a way to put their mark on the whole wedding. 

 

Post # 4
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place.  Part of me thinks that if it were me, I would just ‘suck it up and keep the peace’.  Attend ‘their party’, since they are paying, and hide my feelings of stress or uneasiness bc you are socializing in a setting you both are uncomfortable with, with people whom are not even invited to the wedding (who does that?!).

The other part of me, like you are trying to do with this post, is FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET THRU TO THEM!!  Sadly, I am thinking that the latter WILL inevitably stress you out more.  If you two continue to ‘fight’ for what you want, then the more likely they will continue to be rude, and fight back.  Nothing would be worse than having your wedding day ‘ruined’ because your FIL’s did not get their way, which they sound like the kind of people to do just that.

My vote/advice:  Smile thru the irritation, pretend to enjoy their RD, and work around that 3,4,5 hours they are so adamant about having.  Good luck

Post # 5
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You seem to have tried everything so here are the only suggestions I can offer:

1) pipe bomb the r.d venue 😉

2)Pull the ultimatum card: since it isn’t about you two getting married- it is about them playing party host that y’all will just rsvp no if they don’t check before they wreck (a good way to create bad blood…although IMO they’ve already done it)

3) Compromise. Show and smile pretty but duck out incredibly early citing your wedding wake-up (and have a beer with your folks at a spot down the road)

4) Leave an angry skunk in their house regardless of how it plays out

I’m sorry they are behaving this way. I think you and Fi have done all the right things and you’re being incredibly mature in the matter. Unfortunately as you said, they are paying so they’ve got more control than perhaps you’d like. It is generous to pay, but they aren’t being very gracious and it’s considered rude to invite non-wedding guests to events like this. I hope that you are able to find an acceptable solution or they get off the power trip and start listening to your very logical reasoning.

Best doll!

Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would just suck it up,grin and bare it.It is a nice gesture and not worth fighting over.

Post # 7
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We are in the same situation! There is a difference between being “generous” and using what you can give to get your way. I think we are going to just ignore FILS since we have been very very clear (you can see my post if you would like) and they just play dumb about it. We will show up when we please and leave when we please.

Post # 8
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Just tell them you’re not having one anymore. They seem to be making it about them, not you, and that would really upset me if it was me. I’d be really frustrated and maybe overreact, but it doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy at all, especially if they invited a bunch of people who aren’t invited to the wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think the best thing to do is stop debating about it. Dont even talk about it unles they ask as question. Then if they do, give an answer they want to hear and let it go.

Let your families that are invited know that you probably won’t be at the dinner for very long. Make your appearance and duck out.

Let your in laws to be know the day before or day of that you are too tired or you have a headache or etc and so on, and with the wedding in the morning, you just gotta go, sorry and see you tomorrow.

At the beginning of the dinner, thank everyone and do whatever you and your FI want to do to show your appreciation and duck out. 

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@pinkrose32:  Look you can’t control how they are going to react.  If you are constantly trying to appease them, constantly making decisions based on their feelings, and kowtow to their every want and desire, you going to spend your married life being miserable.  Worry about you and your FI, not his parents and their happiness.

If you accept their gift of hosting/paying for the rehearsal dinner, then you go, smile, say “thank you” and leave when it’s time for you both to go.  The only alternative is to respectfully decline their offer to host, and pay for it yourselves or simply don’t have one.

Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

We were in this situation ourselves, so my heart goes out to you. Here’s what we did: 

We told them No. We refused to hand over the guest list, and said we wouldn’t be attending. A wedding is about 2 people joining their lives together, not who can throw the bigger party. In our case, we are paying for our wedding entirely ourselves, and no one has offered to help. Our FIL’s offered to pay for the RD, and then tried to spend more than our actual wedding. We shut the whole thing down. I don’t need our wedding shown up by a dinner. 

It has created bad blood, but frankly, we don’t care. If they want to be so shitty, that is their problem. 

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