(Closed) Out of town family…help

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Your brother is incorrect- if you have a rehearsal dinner the night before, immediate family and those in the wedding party and their spouses are invited, but you do NOT have to invite every Out of Town. (Check out Emily Post- not sure what etiquette book told you otherwise- it’s a nice gesture, but not “required.”)

People will not think you’re rude- you’re taking care of them the next day at your wedding! 🙂

We would have doubled the invite list if we invited all the OOTers- not in the budget.

Post # 4
Member
46417 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do not get carried away by everything you read on the net. Gift bags for OOT’s ( out of towners) have nothing at all to do with etiquette.Some couples do this but it is not at all a must-do item.

It is the same with providing or hosting a dinner for the OOT’s. It’s a nice to do but not a must-do.

Are you having a rehearsal on the day before the wedding? Often this is hosted by the groom’s family. Some couple invite the OOT’s to that but again, it is not necessary.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Agree with PP… you don’t need to treat them all to dinner.  Many people create gift bags for Out of Town guests, which include suggestions for nearby attractions, snacks, and water.  If you can do it cheaply, it might be a good idea, but if not, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Post # 7
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/357-the-out-of-towners

If you want to do hotel gift bags, you can keep them simple- bottle of water, granola bar or chips, gum, and info about the wedding (cabs, etc.) Again- gift bags are a nice gesture, but not required. (we’re doing them because our hotel doesn’t have free water in the rooms, so we’ll shell out $1 for 2 bottles vs. our guests paying $5 per)

Post # 8
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

And where is your charming brother in this hour of need, hmmm?

Traditional etiquette does say that the folks from out of town are to be entertained, but that tradition goes along with some other traditions that you have already chosen not to follow, and with some assumptions that may not be true of your life. Traditional etiquette is generally very practical, and expects to be adapted to situations.

Traditionally, a bride marries in her own home town and is received after the wedding as a guest-of-honour of her mother (or closest female relative)<– tradition “A”. Presumably, since it is her home town, she has other relatives who live there <– assumption “B”. When friends and family from out of town visit, folk who live in-town offer the hospitality of house-space and meals <– tradition “C” — because they can be assumed to have nice stable homes with spare bedrooms just waiting for guests <– assumption “D”. So the bride’s other family, not immediately involved in planning the wedding reception, offer houseroom and meals to the out-of-town guests, and the bride is free to socialize along with them while her mother prepares for the next day’s festivities.

Now, how many of assumptions/traditions “A” through “D” are actually valid in your case? And, even if they are valid, did you notice that it’s the bride’s other relatives that are actually expected to be offering the hospitality? People like, for example, her brother?

When people began living in small efficient homes and even apartments, traditional etiquette adapted itself and said that all a good hostess needed to do was reserve a room at a nearby hotel, or even just recommend a hotel. Etiquette adapts to gentlemen who are not married (and ladies who do not cook or have a cook on staff) by expecting them to hold their dinner parties at hotels or restaurants. Brides who decide to host their own receptions aren’t available to socialize with out-of-town guests, and etiquette assumes that close friends, family members (and if necessarythe local chapter of the Legion, the water-slide at the hotel, and Starbucks which can be found on every street corner) will step forward and provide social interaction instead.

You don’t say how old Buddy is, or whether he is married. But if he is old enough to notice the need for hospitality to out-of-towners, he is old enough to offer it. Tell him to man up.

Post # 10
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

@ambereyez:  Just telling him to “back off”? I am so disappointed. Just for me, couldn’t you string him along a little by pretending to think he was offering to organize (and manage and pay for) the requested family dinner?

No, I understand that you are going lightly over difficult ground, just to get the next ninety days over with. *sigh* Good luck to you! Still, I am going to enjoy imagining the look on his face if you were to say “Oh, thanks for offering! I’ll let evil Aunt Matilda know that you are hosting that, and that she can expect an invitation from you!”

Post # 11
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yea, don’t let this stress you out at all! If you can find a little extra time and money in your budget (some bees have done it for really cheap, do a search) to do Out of Town bags, great, but if not don’t even think about it. It’s one of those “nice to haves” not “need to haves”. 

Post # 12
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

About 75% of my guests are Out of Town, and we are not having a hosted dinner the night before.  We are doing a casual brunch the day after the wedding for everyone, but it’s not in our plans to also do a welcome dinner. 

The topic ‘Out of town family…help’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors