(Closed) Out of Town MOH Responsibilities

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
1639 posts
Bumble bee

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mohfaraway :  Her wedding is on the west coast, bridal shower on east coast and she’s having a bridal luncheon the day before the wedding? If that’s right, then I don’t think a bachelorette party is even necessary. I would say the bridal luncheon is kind of a stand in for the bachelorette party. I would never ask an out of town bridesmaid to attend anything other than the wedding.

Post # 3
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

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mohfaraway :  It may be a lot to try to do the week of the wedding. This is just a suggestion that I have. You guys can go have massages at a local spa and later that night a nice dinner or one of those wine and painting classes as a group.

Post # 5
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

doesnt the bride host the luncheon for her bridesmaids? That one is on her…

I would suggest flying in a night early to have a bachelorette. If shes not into that and the other girls are willing to fly in for a seperate/destination bachelorette than I would just send your regrets and explain that you cant afford multiple trips. 

Post # 7
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If any bride told me she wanted a very nice bridal luncheon, when i was already spending a fortune to be at her wedding, she would be lucky to get anything.

Tell her that her wedding is already costing you a lot of money, that the luncheon is all you can do as you can’t come in early and spend any more money on hotels. Your calendar is already full with the luncheon, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding on the days you will be in town. If she wants to have a bchelorette with her local friends she is welcome to do that.

Post # 8
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

All of my bridesmaids are out of state. They are coming in on Thursday before our Saturday wedding and we plan on doing something that evening. Having some drinks, eating at a BBQ place my matron of honor loves, and other stuff we haven’t decided yet. I plan on treating them on Friday to a spa day (or at least manicure and pedicure!). I don’t plan on having an official “bachelorette” because I wouldn’t expect people to fly in just to go out on the town or whatever. Also, I want to celebrate with my Fiance. I warned him there is still going to be a penis cake however 😛 I would ask the bride or the rest of the bridal party what they are thinking. Open communication is good!

Post # 9
14177 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It is not your obligation to plan or to have a bachelorette party. Etiquette does not even acknowledge the typical bparty as a pre- wedding event. Showers too are optional. 

Literally your only real responsibility is to attend the wedding, assist the bride on the day, and stand up in support wearing a dress you all agree upon. Ideally you can attend the rehearsal and occasionally provide pertinent info to the rest of the wedding party.  

That’s it. Maid/Matron of Honor is just that, an honor, not a job. Don’t do anything you can’t afford to do.

Post # 10
931 posts
Busy bee

No. The bridal luncheon is the brides responsibility not anyone elses. She invites the bridemaids and sometimes a few other close family members (mom, mil, grandma). 

I’d suggest having a simple night out a couple days before the wedding. Ask the others from out of state, which night works and propose it to the bride. If it’s not what she wants then she can plan one with local friends or forgo it altogether.

Eta: a bridal luncheon is for the bride to thank her moh/bridesmaids. It wouldn’t make sense for you to pay and plan it.

Post # 11
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
mohfaraway :  If she has out of state bridesmaids, a bachelorette party may not be feasible. I agree with a PP, maybe she can do something with her local friends. Maybe you could send a bottle of wine or buy a round of drinks (purely optional).

I would have a conversation with her as soon as possible to ensure you are both on the same page. 

You should not feel guilty about anything, out of state weddings cost! 

Post # 12
14177 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Are you sure the bride did not mean she wants to “host” a very nice bridal luncheon the day of the rehearsal dinner? A bridal luncheon is meant to be in honor and appreciation of her attendants. I would not offer to pay for that on an expensive wedding weekend even if she doesn’t have a bachelorette party, and certainly not if she is entitled enough to expect and ask that you host one.

I also do not think it is fair or nice to impose on people to travel in additional days before  the wedding. That gets into the same issues as a destination wedding where you are forcing people to take multiple days of vacation time, incurring even greater costs. FYI, not that you should ask, but properly the couple provides or pays for wedding party accommodations. If you ask me you are already going above and beyond. 

Post # 13
413 posts
Helper bee

Do you all live in the midwest (or close to each other)? If there is a central point to close to all you, you can suggest something to her such as “if you are able to pay for your flight to chicago (Idk where you live just using that as an example), we will treat you to a night on the town”. Is there anywhere cheap for everyone to travel to/fly to? I also think its ok not to host one in this situation as it is logistically challenging.

I would casually bring up the luncheon thing (Oh do you know where you are going to host your luncheon yet?). I also find it hard to believe she is not hosting this.

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