(Closed) Out of Town Shower Guests and NOT invite to wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club

If I were in your position, and you don’t have the room on the guest list to invite these people to your wedding, I wouldn’t have the out of town shower. I would be a little upset if I was invited to and brought a gift for a wedding shower, but was not invited to the actual wedding.

Post # 4
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

You are not obligated to invite these people, especially if you don’t have room and you don’t know them. You can either accept it graciously or else tell her that you’re not able to attend if it makes you that uncomfortable. In the situation of church ladies and coworkers throwing you a shower, you aren’t required or expected to invite them but you accept the offer graciously. This falls into that category as well, since these ladies you don’t even know won’t be expecting an invite to the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We are struggling with this, though our shower is not out of town. A “church lady”, as Ember78 put it, really wants to give me a shower and invite everyone from church. At first, I felt bad about it, but I decided it would be fine because a lot of people understand you can’t invite everyone from a specific group like church or work. I think the same could go for your mother in law’s friends and coworkers, as long as she makes it understood you are having a smaller wedding.

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have seen co-workers through a shower for someone in the office but it was usually a surprise and the invite was open to all employees in the department.  I think everyone knows that since it was thrown by co-workers and not by say the Maid/Matron of Honor or Future Mother-In-Law etc and that it was a surprise they knew they might not be invited to the wedding.

I think since it is your Future Mother-In-Law doing the hosting and inviting they may expect an invite to the wedding and you know I think I would too.

Post # 7
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This exact situation happened to me. My mother (who lives in my hometown, and I live across the country) threw me a shower over Christmas, and invited people (even after I asked her not to) who I cannot invite to the wedding due to finances/space, some of who I don’t even know!. I felt really bad, becuase people purchased a gift for me that I cannot invite to the wedding. I just wrote really heartfelt thank-you notes and I hope they understand – there was lots of talk at the shower about how my wedding is going to be very small and close friends/family, so I think people understood.

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Forthe most part, I don’t think one should have a shower with guests who won’t be invitedto the wedding.  (Exception being like co-worker situation previously mentioned.)  However, the sticky wicket is brides/grooms make the guest list for the wedding.  And someone else is making the guest list for the shower (to which the bride isn’t always privy.)  So what’sa girl to do?  The key is communication.  Talk to your Future Mother-In-Law.  Perhaps these ladies don’t expect to be invited.  But for the most part, I think it’s best to get this aired out first.  Maybe just point out  the etiquette you know and say that you’d feel uncomfortable having a shower with guests you can’t afford to invite.  Then if it’s not a big deal, your Future Mother-In-Law will let you know.  If it is a problem, hopefully she’ll drop the idea.

Post # 9
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

No advice, but I feel for you. I’m almost in the same situation. We’re going to Vegas, basically just parents and siblings are going with us. Obviously, I do not want a shower since we are not having a wedding. However, Future Mother-In-Law is INSISTING that she is throwing one. I have told her I don’t want one to no avail. I will be so embarassed, it’s so greedy looking to me!

However, my compromise is that I will try to either have a recipe/ kitchen shower or a gardening/ landscaping shower where the gifts will not be more than $10-$15. At least the guests will feel that they got their money’s worth of food & dessert 🙁

Good luck to you!

Post # 10
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Dealing with this too with 3 separate showers. I am just going to let them do what they want because it’s too much stress to deal with it at this point.

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think it depends on the situation. I mean, I’ve been forced to attend office showers for coworkers when I was not invited to the wedding. I’m assuming in this situation they’re supporting Future Mother-In-Law more so than you and your Fiance. As long as they understand ahead of time they aren’t invited to the wedding and still choose to come (assuming Future Mother-In-Law is inviting them and not you) I think it’s okay. A little unusual, but okay.

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t invite people to a shower if they aren’t invited to the wedding, I just think it’s bad form.

Post # 13
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

You know, at first, I was going to say basically the same thing as @soon2beemrsM, but I just realized that I shouldn’t – some of the women where I work would like to throw me a shower (also because I’ll be moving and leaving my job right before the wedding) but most of them won’t be invited.  I guess since they are throwing it because they want to, and don’t have control of the guest list, I thought it might be ok.  I would feel differently if my Future Mother-In-Law wanted to do it because she has her own guest list and it would be awkward for her to invite some to the shower and not to the wedding…I guess I would say that you should be clear with your Future Mother-In-Law that they cannot all be invited, and let her deal with the awkwardness?

Post # 14
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

If your family was throwing you the shower, it could be pretty bad form.  But as long as she knows that they arent being invited – its her call. 

Post # 15
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think it depends on the people, I know out in Eastern Canada it’s customary to have a regular shower, a church shower and a community shower, and many of these people are not invited to the wedding (from church and comunity shower) and I know this happens a lot in smaller communities!  If you’re not comfortable with ut, tell your Future Mother-In-Law, and let her know that you can’t invite these people to the wedding, and see what her response is! good luck!

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