Post # 1
Member
29 posts
Newbee
I don’t identify as a feminist, but I have focused on being a strong, independent woman all of my life. This said, I’m having a bit of trouble with some of the outdated wedding customs that fiance and I have had to make decisions on. I was curious if other bees have come across this and have any alternatives to offer. The ones I have trouble with are:
1. My dad “giving me away”. First of all – I’m giving myself to my fiance. There’s nothing for him to give away – what am I property? I think it’s the handshake that kills me the most. So, I’d like to have my Dad walk me down the aisle – because that’s a sentiemtnal moment for him. However, he would walk me until he got to his seat, sit down and then I would walk my own grown ass to my fiance. Is this weird? What do you guys think?
2. Garter toss/Bouquet toss – Lord have mercy. Yes, let’s make woman compete with each other for love. Sounds super fun and not demeaning at all. Also, yes let’s have fiance go under my dress to get my lingerie and toss it to his single friends. This is all strange to me. But, I get it, it’s fun! Yay! Any alternatives to this you’d recommend that build my single ladies up and also create a fun moment?
3. The shoe game – It’s fun and I agree it makes people laugh. But, gender-normative-much? Can you help this bee out with any other dance-floor games that bring the group together?
Also, feel free to call me a wet rag, too. Self-reflection is a good thing.
Post # 2
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
An alternative to the bouquet toss would be to have a cake pull or ribbon pulling.
I think just having your dad escort you down the aisle is fine.
Post # 3
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
As far as he garter/bouquet toss, I have never read that deep into it but if it bugs you either just dont do it at all OR do something like have it for all the women/men single or not and attach a gift card or something to make it more fun to catch.
The shoe game I have seen once at a wedding and wouldnt miss it at all. The one time I saw it done it was just super awkward and broke up the flow of the party.
I have seen plenty of brides who dont do the whole “Who gives this woman” thing but simply have their dad or whoever walk with them up the aisle then hug and the bride steps up to the alter while the other person takes their seat. It isnt that out there to do so I wouldnt worry about it.
Post # 4
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
I agree with you on the “giving away” part. My father is no longer here, so my Fiance suggested one of my brothers give me away, but I don’t like that idea either. I’m not being given to anyone. I’m giving MYSELF to my Fiance, so I will walk alone for that reason. Fiance did suggest that her dad may like to be asked to give ME away, but that feels weird. I think he should walk her up there, as she is his daughter and I know he will never have that moment again. I’m happy with our makeshift arrangement. 🙂
I don’t have as much issue with tossing the bouquet (though I do hate the garter thing. It just feels really trashy to me, but I’ll leave that up to my FI). Maybe you can give each of your single ladies a flower from your bouquet? Or just skip it altogether.
I have no idea what the shoe game is, so I’m no help there. Overall, though, I say this is your wedding and you can do what you want and skip/change what you don’t!
Post # 5
Member
29 posts
Newbee
hannahshope : OMG you just gave me a great idea. I have a “Nasty Woman” t-shirt from planned parenthood that fiance could “find” under my dress and toss to ladies. I’ll think on that one, thanks!
Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
somedaymrsj : I relate to this so mcuh. I am making this decision and I know what I want – not my pops. I like the diea of giving flowers out, but that’s also like – hey you don’t have a mate, here’s a flower for your loss! Haha. It just suggests that the only thing a woman could hope to be is married. I dislike and usually kind of trail off during other ladies’ bouquet tosses.
I like the idea of some group party games, so that’s why the shoe game came to mind but I feel like it’s a little outdated. It’s a “who does this or that more” – like “who looks better naked” and the bride and groom have each their shoes in each hand and raise the shoe that they agree with the most. Usually both vote “bride” on that questions – eyeroll.
Post # 7
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
gallantgabs : Haha yeah I totally get what you’re saying about the “here’s your consolation flower” and honestly I’m not planning on tossing a bouquet either. I just plan to skip that whole thing.
And the game sounds cute but something I would probably eyeroll at a wedding, but I’m not a party game kind of person to begin with lol. I doubt anyone would care if you left it out!
Post # 8
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
I’d say having your dad walking you down the aisle and giving you a kiss as he goes to his seat is fine. I don’t really look at it as a dad “giving away” his daughter, but a dad’s welcoming a son to the family, hence the handshake. I don’t really see that anyone still looks at it as giving away his daughter. But walking down the rest of the way is fine if you don’t want it to look like he’s giving you away. It would be good symbolism for you leaving your dad’s house and going out on your own to find your wonderful husband!
As for the flower/garter toss, skip it. It’s old and lame and only the little girls care about it. Trust me, as an unmarried woman in my 30’s, I hate it. No idea what the shoe game is, but if you don’t like it then don’t do it.
At one of the weddings I went to last year, they did a hula-hoop contest! It was a blast! You can do something like that instead of the garter/boquet toss!
Post # 9
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
gallantgabs : I want my fiance to find a nasty woman t-shirt under my dress…
Post # 10
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
I’ve seen it where the bouquet is given to the couple that has been together the longest instead of a bouquet toss. I thought that was really sweet
Post # 11
Member
6588 posts
Bee Keeper
I didnt invite my dad and didnt want my mom to walk me down. I walked by myself half way and then my husband met me half way and we walked up together. I think your dad walking you to your seat, giving you a hug/kiss and then you walking the rest of the way is lovely.
I just didnt do a bouquet or garter toss. I find the shoe game intolerable and didnt include it.
Who’s the wet blanket now XD
Post # 12
Member
29 posts
Newbee
kimmykat024 : I like the hula hoop idea! Just one for everyone to be able to participate in would be fun. And I totally agree…I usually skip the bouquet toss too!
Post # 13
Member
29 posts
Newbee
nkotb : that is sweet!! We dont ahve a lot of old timers so it’s kind of like ok whose been married a few decades? Lol
Post # 14
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
I haven’t seen the garter thing at any of the wedding I had been to, so it must not be done all that often where I am.
With bouquet toss, I had only participated in one, had no clue what was going on when the “single ladies” song came on, people told me to stand in the middle and I thought we were about to do some games, then here come the bouquet, one lady who was super keen ran from behind me, bypassing all the others and caught the bouquet, I was like… OHHH now I know what’s going on LOL…. seriously though, I don’t really want to do one at mine, most of my friends and fiancés friends are either married or engaged (with children), I don’t particularly want to make a few single girls come out and stand in the middle, how embarrassing!!
As for the walking down the aisle, I agree it’s outdated. And for me personally I’m from an Asian decent and you don’t do the walking down the aisle by your dad thing, so I’m not even sure if my dad will be awkward or what? Lol… but one of my friends with a similar view said she found it helpful when she had someone to lean on / walk with on the day because you don’t think you’ll get nervous with all eyes on you because you know everyone but she did, so it was good having her dad there. I think it’s totally fine if he just walks with you then sit down at the front row, with no “hand over”.
I had only seen the shoe game being played once, it was fun and funny. I don’t think it’s really gender stereotyping, at least their responses wasn’t, it was like how well do you know your spouse kind of thing and it was cute.
Post # 15
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
gallantgabs : I think I’ve seen more weddings without the “who gives her away” question than with. Your idea to have him walk with you until he reaches his seat if fine and I think that’s usually what I see done. The rest you can just skip without even needing an alternative. I’ve never seen the shoe game, and I’d say it’s 50/50 between wedding with bouquet & garter toss and those without. I’ve never missed it and never heard anyone else say “wait, they never tossed the bouquet!” imo, if people find these fun and want to do them, cool. If they find them lame and want to skip it, cool.
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