(Closed) Outgrowing your friends

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
13015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d probably stop hanging out with her.  It sounds like you have indeed outgrown your friend.  If she isn’t someone you enjoy spending time with, then why waste what limited free time you have on her?

Post # 5
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Jesus, your friend sounds like a handful. If i were you i wouldnt hang out with her anymore and i’d probably tell her why (you’re 30 y/o and acting like a freeloader, etc) so she either “wakes up” or leave me alone.

Post # 6
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

Sounds like your friendship is not a good match.

It also sounds like S may be unwell. For her to spend so much time “lounging” suggests that she must have low energy and/or get fatigued very easily.

It is one thing to not want to work, but use that energy elsewhere. When someone is always glued to a seat and not even using their energy on mentally challenging activities, that person is probably not in the best of health. She may have an undiagnosed chronic illness. I would ask her about her energy levels, whether she wishes she had more energy, and whether she has seen a doctor about it.

Post # 7
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@PBnJ:  I’d definitely stop hanging out with her, you don’t need an excuse. Just stop answering calls, or always be busy when she wants to hang out.

This sounds exactly like a former friend of mine, turning 30 this year, her mother has been paying her rent since we first moved out together TEN years ago. Her mother gave her her car, she sleeps all day, works part time gigs at nightclubs, has been relieved of all ‘real’, daytime jobs she’s had. She goes out and spends money like she recently won the lottery. When I was still friends with her, i had a chat with her about how I don’t think money and our friendship should mix, because she would borrow money from me and never pay me back, and I was starting to resent her. She actually got offended, saying ‘Good to know I can count on someone who is supposed to be my best friend.’

We have not been friends in almost 2 years, and I can honestly sasy I do not miss her one bit, my life has improved because I have more time for friends that I have things in common with, and who are not using me as their personal ATM.

Post # 8
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@PBnJ:  It’s hard at first to let go, but your life will be considerably easier.

My friend cheated on her husband one time. I remained friends with her and even had her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding last year. She and her hubby were working it out, and then a few months ago she says she’s cheating on her husband again. It’s like she only contacts me and tells me she “misses” me when she needs a shoulder to ry on about her cheating. I actually posted here about it and got the advice to not be her friend anymore, which is exactly what I have done.

I love my husband and I value my marriage and we are TTC. I am not a party animal or want to go ut and get drunk and party with guys. She missed all that because she got married at 18, had kids, and didn’t experience college. She is living the life she should have experienced 7 years ago, and I can’t be a part of that. As much as I miss the conversations, the memories are all we have in common anymore, and I am not about to go out and be put in a situation where guys are approaching our table and flirting. I am past all that.

Post # 9
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If she’s always been this way, then why did you become friends with her in the first place? 

But yeah, I would cut her out. You don’t need such a draining, toxic, freeloading person in your life. She will only bring you down with her. 

She may have mental issues as a PP suggested but she is not your responsibility. Kick her out of your life, just stop answering calls or being available when she comes by. She’ll give up eventually. You will feel much better once she’s out of your life. Good luck. 

Post # 11
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@PBnJ:  time to move on… i don’t think a direct conversation will get you anywhere. i say just phase it out. longer to return calls. decline invites. you know, standard evasive techniques 🙂

Post # 12
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@PBnJ:  I didn’t even need to read your entire OP (I did) to tell you to just cut her loose.

Your friend is going to grow up into my mother: she’s just getting out of her 5th marriage and is looking for the next one. She’s been able to “marry well” and hasnt had to do jack shit for years. Not really someone I respect, nor spend much time with.

I have several casual friends/acquaintances who exhibit the same behavior, and we’re social media friends *at best.*

Plain and simple: just stop responding to her.

Post # 13
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@PBnJ:  This has happened to me…it’s hard. I graduated college (May 2009) and by July I was in a full time job. Most of my friends either were still in college (because they screwed up so much and couldn’t graduate) or graduated and were working crummy part time jobs. My birthday came around (it was on a Wednesday or something) and most of my friends wanted to go out at 11pm to celebrate, they didn’t/couldn’t understand that my full time job required me to be functioning at 9am. It only spiraled from there and most of us lost touch. My priorities shifted from drinking shitty beer till 2am and working a crappy job mid afternoon to actually paying bills on time and being asleep by midnight. I struggled for a long time with it but my life is great and I did what I had to do. 

Bright side: a few years ago I reconnected with one of them and we have since picked up right where we left off. She is even now in my bridal party.  

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