Post # 1
This is sort of complicated–stick with me. The gist of it is, my fiance’s stepparent is trans, and some stuff has come up making it necessary for her to totally transition into being a classy lady. But she’s been a fine gentleman for quite a while, and we all know that shit might get real in the extended family arenas. My fiance’s aunts and uncles are fairly conservative, and might not be accepting of his stepparent’s transition. On my side, my parents will be kind of freaked when my fiance’s stepdad is suddenly a stepmom. (Personally, I think they should all get over themselves. They’re adults and it’s time they acted like it. And nobody’s going to make a scene at my wedding.)
So my question is–should we “out” my fiance’s stepparent to the rest of the family before the wedding? Obviously we won’t do anything without talking to her first or without her permission. But I’m not sure which is preferable: telling our extended families, and risking them not coming to the wedding, or not telling anyone and letting them figure it out by themselves, and risking them getting awkward (or inappropriate) at the wedding.
Anyone been in a situation like this? What did you do?
Post # 3
We had a similar ish issue. My most favorite aunt has been living with her partner for as log as I can remember, her partner is as much part of the family as I am. And my Father-In-Law is a fairly vocal far right conservative who has been known to make off color jokes and.comments. and I wasn’t.okay with that,, my aunt has been in my life way longer than Father-In-Law and if he insulted her or her partner, I pick them way before him. So to make sure he was not going to make any of his rude comments, at least for sure around my family, because my aunt is totally the bigger person and would ignore him but it still isn’t okay, we talked to Mother-In-Law because she is the moderating force in his life and “warned” her that my aunt and her partner were going to be st the wedding and that we hoped he could act like the adult he is supposed to be or he might cause some serious issues with my family. And he did behave. If he made comments, they weren’t around me and they weren’t around her, his loss on getting to know an amazing person because his own bias.
Post # 4
@mholden: I think, if it were me in your position, I would tell people before the wedding with the HOPES that anyone who had a major problem with it would choose to avoid the wedding entirely. And in the hopes that having some time to come to terms with the idea would help everyone else behave nicely. I’d probably try to come up with some little statement that would make my expectations clear, like, “I wanted to let you know in advance that FI’s stepparent [name they know stepparent by] is transgender, and is now transitioning and prefers to be known as [name]. Just wanted to give you the heads up before the wedding so you wouldn’t be confused. We’re so looking forward to our wedding day and having everyone we love celebrate with us.” (Adjust as needed for anyone you think might be unpleasant on the day to make it clear you want them to play well with others, and/or if the stepparent’s name isn’t changing, etc.)
Good luck with everything!
Post # 5
@Jijitattoo: Yeah honestly there are a few people who I wouldn’t mind if they decided not to come… it’s sort of an “if you can’t get over yourself for my wedding, then I don’t want you there!” kind of thing. Great suggestion–thank you!