Post # 1
my boyfriend and I have known each other for 9 years, dating for 2 years and living together for 1 year. We picked out a house together ( it’s only in his name due to VA loan and not being married) I have a 7yr old daughter that he mentioned adopting when we first started dating – she even calls him Dad since he is the only father figure she has ever had.. we are basically married without the commitment. He is 34 and I’m 27. Our parents are getting older, daughter wants a sibling. I want the marriage and adoption to take place and start trying for a baby.. all of which he seems on board with but doesn’t do. I asked him half a year ago and he said he has a plan and why would he tell me and ruin it? I’m getting the feeling he just said that to keep me happy for awhile and is just comfortable keeping our relationship as is.. he never brings it up.
Post # 2
Have an adult conversation.
Post # 3
You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him that you want to make sure you are both on the same page in terms of your timelines for a baby, marriage, engagement, etc. Tell him your ideal timeline, confirm that he agrees to it. It is very possible he is just comfortable and isn’t in a rush. If he knows that you have a timeline you would like to stick to, it could motivate him to get on with proposing. But you have to make sure you’re on the same page.
Post # 4
I think you need to be proactive on this one. As you said, he doesn’t seem in a rush so you’re going to need to approach the conversation. Rather than asking him what his plan is, tell him what you need and why. Between the house and your daughter you have some very practical reasons to not just stick with the status quo. I also see this conversation as a test for the harder conversations of a marriage.
Post # 5
Talk to him. Directly and openly. Do not let him blow you off with this “it has to be a surprise” bs. That’s the oldest line in the Staller’s Handbook. We hear that one all the time.
You have an unassailable right to know his thoughts about your shared future.
Post # 6
I will be at 2 years with my SO July 31st. I check in probably once a month based on the timelines he gave me. But point is just talk to him and say yes it is a surprise but can you get a general idea of WHEN.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone for your input and advise. You all are right, we do need to have a more serious conversation about our future. Obviously me passively watching holidays, anniversaries and weekend trips or dinner dates go by in hopes isn’t working out so well for me. In order for an adoption to take place I went through a long and expensive court case to get her bio dads rights terminated due to abdandoment which I won back in January. I really thought by now things would have progressed in that general direction or a total least communication from him about it.. I will have to stand my ground on getting a timeline and not let the subject change until I have a concrete answer. Most of my friends say just give him time when he is ready he will do it. The problem is- it isn’t just his life and his timeframe.. it’s mine as well. I’m just stumped and hoping for the right words when the conversation takes place. So he understands and doesn’t feel like I’m coming at him with an ultimatum because that isn’t my intention.
Post # 8
If he has a plan then you shouldn’t have to worry about coming anywhere near an ultimatum. You can start by playing along with his “surprise” routine and asking for a time frame that’s specific to a certain season (e.g. Fall 2018) or whatever time range would satisfy you. Tell him you just want to make sure the two of you are on the same page so you can relax during special occasions. He is still free to surprise you within the time frame (or, if he truly just wants to surprise you, before).
If he buckles down on you and won’t tell you anything, then he is probably stalling. At that point you are going to have to drop the whole surprise charade and get over your reluctance to “pressure” him and demand an explanation. It still doesn’t have to be an “if you don’t propose next month I’m leaving” ultimatum, but tell him you have a timeline for your life in mind and you expect the engagement to work with that timeline.
Post # 9
This surprise business is just nonsense. Surprises are for children’s birthdays. We’re talking about serious, grown up decisions.
This is not just about you. Your daughter deserves stability in her life. You just went through the hassle and expense of terminating her bio fathers rights—that is huge. Your little girl calls your bf Dad. Her feelings count the most here. If he’s just stringing you along, it’s time to find out.
Talk to him. Get your timeline. Once you have that firmly in place, he can surprise you with how he proposes, if surprise is so frickin important to him.
Post # 10
I like the idea of season or x amount of months timeframe and agree if he can’t give me that then a more serious conversation will have to happen. I agree with the surprise being BS -not like I’m asking for the date of proposal. I guess now I need to first find out my timeframe with all matters at hand – obviously I would like to be engaged by the end of summer which is in September. Is that unreasonable? I feel like with the time we have spent together and my daughters clear attachment to him it’s either time to shit or get off the pot so to speak. I’m not necessarily saying it would be completely over, but things would definitely change. Idk how, it’s so hard because of dear daughter. There is no financial, work, issues like that to hinder that from being feasible for him.
Post # 11
The element of surprise is moot here. You have a house, you have a kid (I know he’s not her bio dad but it seems like he’s helping raise the child). What element of surprise? Time to have a chat and ask for a real timeline.
Post # 12
sunflower7878 : I’m with you 1000% on this. My boyfriend fed me that same rhetoric. “I want it to surprise you” 2.5 years later still no sign of marriage on the horizon as a discussion let alone as a ring on the finger 🙄.
What worked for me; I gave him the good old fashioned kick up the a** and told him I want a ring by the time summers over. I didn’t shout, get angry but was incredibly firm and tough and held my own. If he’s anything like my man he will try to work his way out of it but stay strong and DONT waver.
So here we are a few months later with the ring picked out and him telling me daily that he can’t wait to have me as his wife – still ONLY once the ring is on my finger by summer will I be happy! Lol
Set the boundaries and stick to your guns girl. You deserve your ring. He either meets the expectations or leaves you to live your life with someone who will!
Post # 13
Ladies- I just wanted to say thank you for your advice and the help to stand my ground. We had a conversation and I used a little bit of all of your words and it helped me get the answers I needed. He definitely tried the surprise tactic, the jokes “it’ll happen before we are in depends” jokes ..and if it weren’t for you ladies I probably would have just backed off and felt uncertain once again. I explained it would put my mind at ease knowing more of a time frame because I’m anxious and very ready to get married and try for a baby and it wasn’t fair that only he knew a timeframe causing him to be at ease. That it is our future and daughters future as well and I didn’t like feeling as if it might not happen for another year.. then it kind of clicked in his head as to why I wanted a timeframe. Like here try being in my shoes and feeling uncertain about our future. He told me sometime before summers end and it wouldn’t happen on a holiday or a special event, date or weekend get away because he wants to take me very much by surprise and doesn’t want me to expect it. I suppose this kind of conversation seems easy enough to not need the obvious stated from ladies you don’t know.. but for me not so much and I’m very glad I joined this site and made my post.
Post # 14
Good for you for not letting him joke his way out of things. That’s so un-funny when men do that. And now you need to consider what you will do if the ring doesn’t magically appear on your finger by summer’s end. This is a very real possibility unfortunately.
Post # 15
sunflower7878 : Glad you had the conversation and stuck to your guns. Yes many guys joke about it so I am glad you told him you were serious and stopped the joking.
I agree wtih sunburn : that you should have an idea what you will do if he runs out of time and doesn’t do it when he said he would. If you get to the end of the Summer and no proposal has happend you can have another chat. Say you wanted to check in with him about the engagement because it is now the end of the Summer and where is he in the process? etc.
You might even now ask him, hey would it be helpful if I shared with you a couple of photos of the kind of ring I would like? So you know my style? A few well placed questions like that could clue you in to if he is actually doing anything or not.