Over 2 years and no proposal

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him that you want to make sure you are both on the same page in terms of your timelines for a baby, marriage, engagement, etc. Tell him your ideal timeline, confirm that he agrees to it. It is very possible he is just comfortable and isn’t in a rush. If he knows that you have a timeline you would like to stick to, it could motivate him to get on with proposing. But you have to make sure you’re on the same page.

Post # 4
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I think you need to be proactive on this one.  As you said, he doesn’t seem in a rush so you’re going to need to approach the conversation.  Rather than asking him what his plan is, tell him what you need and why.  Between the house and your daughter you have some very practical reasons to not just stick with the status quo.  I also see this conversation as a test for the harder conversations of a marriage.

Post # 5
11141 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunflower7878 :  

Talk to him.  Directly and openly.  Do not let him blow you off with this “it has to be a surprise” bs.  That’s the oldest line in the Staller’s Handbook.  We hear that one all the time.

You have an unassailable right to know his thoughts about your shared future.

Post # 6
662 posts
Busy bee

I will be at 2 years with my SO July 31st. I check in probably once a month based on the timelines he gave me. But point is just talk to him and say yes it is a surprise but can you get a general idea of WHEN.

Post # 8
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

If he has a plan then you shouldn’t have to worry about coming anywhere near an ultimatum. You can start by playing along with his “surprise” routine and asking for a time frame that’s specific to a certain season (e.g. Fall 2018) or whatever time range would satisfy you. Tell him you just want to make sure the two of you are on the same page so you can relax during special occasions. He is still free to surprise you within the time frame (or, if he truly just wants to surprise you, before).

If he buckles down on you and won’t tell you anything, then he is probably stalling. At that point you are going to have to drop the whole surprise charade and get over your reluctance to “pressure” him and demand an explanation. It still doesn’t have to be an “if you don’t propose next month I’m leaving” ultimatum, but tell him you have a timeline for your life in mind and you expect the engagement to work with that timeline. 

Post # 9
11141 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunflower7878 :  

This surprise business is just nonsense.  Surprises are for children’s birthdays.  We’re talking about serious, grown up decisions.

This is not just about you.  Your daughter deserves stability in her life.  You just went through the hassle and expense of terminating her bio fathers rights—that is huge. Your little girl calls your bf Dad.  Her feelings count the most here.  If he’s just stringing you along, it’s time to find out.

Talk to him.  Get your timeline.  Once you have that firmly in place, he can surprise you with how he proposes, if surprise is so frickin important to him.

Post # 11
168 posts
Blushing bee

The element of surprise is moot here. You have a house, you have a kid (I know he’s not her bio dad but it seems like he’s helping raise the child). What element of surprise? Time to have a chat and ask for a real timeline.

Post # 12
55 posts
Worker bee

sunflower7878 :  I’m with you 1000% on this. My boyfriend fed me that same rhetoric. “I want it to surprise you” 2.5 years later still no sign of marriage on the horizon as a discussion let alone as a ring on the finger 🙄.

What worked for me; I gave him the good old fashioned kick up the a** and told him I want a ring by the time summers over. I didn’t shout, get angry but was incredibly firm and tough and held my own. If he’s anything like my man he will try to work his way out of it but stay strong and DONT waver.

So here we are a few months later with the ring picked out and him telling me daily that he can’t wait to have me as his wife – still ONLY once the ring is on my finger by summer will I be happy! Lol

Set the boundaries and stick to your guns girl. You deserve your ring. He either meets the expectations or leaves you to live your life with someone who will!

Post # 14
4621 posts
Honey bee

Good for you for not letting him joke his way out of things. That’s so un-funny when men do that. And now you need to consider what you will do if the ring doesn’t magically appear on your finger by summer’s end. This is a very real possibility unfortunately.

Post # 15
1861 posts
Buzzing bee

sunflower7878 :  Glad you had the conversation and stuck to your guns. Yes many guys joke about it so I am glad you told him you were serious and stopped the joking. 

I agree wtih sunburn :  that you should have an idea what you will do if he runs out of time and doesn’t do it when he said he would. If you get to the end of the Summer and no proposal has happend you can have another chat. Say you wanted to check in with him about the engagement because it is now the end of the Summer and where is he in the process? etc. 

You might even now ask him, hey would it be helpful if I shared with you a couple of photos of the kind of ring I would like? So you know my style? A few well placed questions like that could clue you in to if he is actually doing anything or not. 

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