Post # 1
My bf and I have been dating for just over three years. I’m 34, and will turn 35 just before our four year anniversary.I don’t want to be 35 and not even engaged!
Looking forward, if I was engaged by 35 and married at 36, we might still stand a decent chance of having a couple of kids. If not, then my biological clock will probably stop ticking before we can have a family – of course he could move on and have kids with a younger woman, but I would have lost my chance of having a family.
He’s 32, so we’re both more than old enough to get married. We don’t live together – he wanted to, but I refused because I feel like once he lives with me there’s no longer any incentive for him to propose (the old argument about “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free”).I told him that as a compromise I wouldn’t make him wait until we were actually married; I’d be prepared to move in together if we were engaged and actively planning a wedding.
We get along fine, I just don’t see any progress in the relationship! I’ve tried to talk to him, and marriage and kids is definitely something he wants in his future, but he has no timeline in mind, and no plans for anything. I get the feeling that he’s a little lost in life; he wants a better job and a place of his own (he lives in his mom’s basement to save money for a house, which he then ends up spending). He bought a $25k car last year, which tells me that he has no serious plans for our future – but I love him, and we get along great – I’m so confused and don’t know what to do!
Post # 3
@Fiberoptic: He needs to make some real decsions about his life. You can move forward or stay still. My Fiance wanted to stay still when we first started dating. I made what I wanted known an he could either join me or not. Now we are great and getting married… hopefully kids soon after 🙂
Good Luck! It isn’t easy but you have to do what’s right for you!
Post # 4
He is 32 years old!! He seriously needs to grow up. How are your communication skills? Are you able to CALMLY state your position?
I have been in your shoes with 2 previous relationships, and my current SO is younger than me and he understands my fears. I have issues with trust about men and their intentions (not trust issues in general, just with this) because I have been strung along for years in the past. I am 32 and hear the clock as well . My relationship is less than a year old, but my SO knows that I definitely want another child by 35. If he’s not ready, I am going to look into adoption or artificial insemination. Knowing that I have a plan B makes things a lot easier on our relationship.
Try talking to him about this, and see if this is a commitment-phobe, a lazy guy or someone who doesn’t want to grow up (my SO falls into the third category!)
Post # 5
I totally understand how you feel. I am 30 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I don’t want to be a pest, or nag…so I don’t really bring up the ‘clock’ thing…but I want to be married in a few years and have a baby by the latest, 35. It’s tough cause guys don’t understand our ‘ticking clocks’…I brought it up once, and he said it made sense to him…but still, I continue to wait, and wait….
Even though it’s uncomfortable, we have to let them know what we want and need! It is your life too! I should practice what I preach ;). I get super frustrated because I am ready to move on with my life, into the next step of marriage and eventually kids…but like most men, he is soooooo slow. He’s 29, so it’s not that he is far behind me. Guys just drag their damn feet!
Maybe he could trade in his car for something more practical? Perhaps, use the left over savings for a downpayment on a house?
I love that you stood your ground and said you weren’t moving in with him until you had a ring! I said the same thing, but my boyfriend constantly was staying over, so he officially moved in about a year ago. Sometimes I kick myself cause I let him move in without a ring on my finger….but I think a ring is on it’s way and if I’m right, than it won’t really matter that much I guess.
Post # 6
He lives in his mom’s basement at 32 but felt justified buying a $25k car? I’m sorry to be blunt, but I would not want to raise children with a man who finds that to be acceptable behavior. Moving in for a couple of years after college or while unemployed/sick/because of desparate financial straits is one thing. But if he doesn’t have the self respect to support himself and would rather sponge off his mom at that age, I would argue that he’s not great life-partner material.
I know emotions can get in the way of doing what’s best and my advice probably won’t make a bit of difference, but if I were you I would cut my losses and move on. Lots of women have children at 40 or even later. Sure, it’s riskier, but still totally do-able, and I’m sure medical advances will mean that it’s even safer (for mother and child) in five years than it is now. And of course there are other options – you could look into freezing your eggs (not cheap, but I think not expensive compared to adoption/a lot of weddings).
If you had a daughter, what would you tell her?
Post # 7
woah. Sounds like he has a nice amount of growing to do. I think you were extremely smart not to move in with him yet.
I don’t know if engagement is on the horizon until he gets a clue about his present and future.
I say just calmly state how you feel, and lay it all out on the table. Guys like that either will 1. shape up when they realize they are going to lose you or 2. they will continue their behavior until you finally walk, find someone else, and then they will be back to admit they screwed up (would you even want him then?).
If you want a family, you don’t have to wait. There are plenty of men out there your age that are where you are, just have not found the right person yet. If that is what you want, go get it. If you want this current guy to do that, you might be waiting quite a while longer. Don’t give up on what you want because he is messing around.
I dont’ want to sound harsh…I just don’t like to see people compromise their hopes and dreams after a certain amount of time.
Post # 8
This is just “my opinion” so take it for what you will. If I were you, I would think about the issues at hand and decide what is best for you. I think that if he is “the one,” then talking to him about your feelings and stating your concerns should have an affect on him and a solution should be able to be reached about your future together. I agree with others that it seems that he may not be making the best decisions for BOTH OF YOU. It sounds like he has made some choices that may not have involved you, and in my opinion at the age that he is and at the place you are in your life, he should be thinking about you in every decision he makes.
That being said, I am not in your relationship and do not know the details of it. If he makes you happy and you want him in your life, I would give it some serious thought and talk to him and see what arises. If he stands firm that getting married is in the plans, explain why you don’t see that happening. Explain how actions speak louder than words. If you feel like he continues to not make progress, I would explain that you need to make yourself and your future a priority.
Post # 9
He moved back in with his mom to support her through the loss of his brother, and he stayed because it was cheaper while he completed his MBA. But he graduated about six years ago and has been in a stable well paid job ever since – I can’t understand why he doesn’t move out! When I ask, all he says is that rent is wasted money and he won’t move out until he can buy a place. But then he splashes out on a $25k car! So I really don’t know what to think.
He seems unsure of everything – unsure about applying for a better job, unsure about his plans for the future, unsure about our future… he isn’t even great at planning dates in advance!
I think he’s concerned about leaving his mom alone – she never married and he’s all she’s got now. I respect that but he can’t spend his whole life keeping his mom company! To be fair I think his mom is happy for him to live his life, and he’s the one who’s clinging to her and claiming that she needs him. He just doesn’t want to grow up! He wants to move straight from her house to my house, but I won’t live with him unless we’re engaged, and of course he’s too immature for that sort of commitment.
He sounds awful, but he really is a lovely, decent guy who works hard, doesn’t drink or smoke, takes care of his mom, and always treats me with kindness and generosity. I think more than anything he’s just immature, shy, and afraid to grow up… I don’t know why, or how to address the situation…
Post # 10
Hmm. Well it sounds like he does have some really good qualities and is more of a lost boy than a moocher. That’s tough, I’m sorry.
I don’t think there’s much you can do except talk to him. Maybe the lack of a father figure/role model is an issue? Tell him that you love him, you want to marry him, you want to always be there for him–and he needs to let you know if that’s what he wants.
I wonder why it is that people are always going to premarital counseling or postmarital counseling, but never ‘should we get married?’-counseling? I think that’s what he needs. (Actually, given the divorce rate, what lots of couples need.)
Post # 11
I feel your pain….I was dating my SO for 3 1/2 years and he proposed on my 35 birthday. I do worry about having a family, he is 40. But I have to say that it was totally worth the wait. If you truly love him and he’s saying that it will happen…just trust him. I know I was getting antsy too, but he has moved slow throughout the whole relationship so I had to let him go at his pace. Towards the end I pushed a little harder, not shoved, just through out a lot of hints. He asked what I wanted for my birthday, I said diamonds are nice…things like that. Just make sure to state your case, be honest about what you want and then let go adn let god….I hope everythign works out for you!
Post # 12
Nope, he isn’t saying it will happen. He said he wants marriage and a family at some point, but I have no idea whether he wants it with me, or whether he wants it on my timeline. When I try to talk to him about the future, he just says he doesn’t have any plans and hasn’t thought about it. “I don’t know” is his favorite answer for pretty much any question, and when I push for a proper answer we end up arguing.
He’s a lovely person who is faithful, kind and generous, and I don’t want to lose him… but I have doubts about whether he wants to marry me, and at 34 I’m concerned about investing more years into a relationship which may be going nowhere. By waiting for a proposal from him (which may never come) I could be missing my last chance to have a happy family with someone else! So confused 🙁
Post # 13
Maybe you really need to sit this guy down and tell him those exact words:
“At 34 I’m concerned about investing more years into a relationship which may be going nowhere. By waiting for a proposal from (you) which may never come, I could be missing my last chance to have a happy family with someone else”.
Maybe leave ou the “with someone else” part…you get my drift. That’s a heavy thing to tell him but it’s truth. You COULD be missing out if he dosen’t get his act together. Altho, I think deep down you may have your answer already. I don’t want to sound like a judgy person, but he seems kinda pathetic sponging off mommy whilst buying himself a downpayment on a house…oops I mean, a car. I’d jet.
Post # 14
@Fiberoptic: Sigh. If only we could get inside these guys’ minds for a day!
Just remember to take care of yourself in all this. It is really not fair that you should have to sacrifice having a family just because your SO is confused. I would make sure that all of this is out on the table (i.e. he knows exactly how you feel)– you love him, you want to marry him, and you also want a family by __ age.
If he really, truly cares about you and helping you live out your dream, then he he should either marry you or “free” you to find another man… or at the very least, honestly tell you why he’s dragging his feet.
I would put it all out there one last time… Ask if he is willing to marry and have children in the next __ # of years. Seek out counseling, if the two of you would find it useful. Let him know that you won’t wait forever. Then maybe step back, but have a timeline for yourself for moving on, if necessary– sad as it is to think about :/
Hang in there! If the two of you have a good relationship, there is no reason why this shouldn’t work out. I think some guys just need a spark to get going 🙂
Post # 15
He may be a wonderful man, but he may just not be that wonderful man for you.
Post # 16
yea the first red flag is that he’s 32…they always say men aren’t ready until their 30 lol but you see MANY men younger taking the plunge when they know they’ve met their wife. 3 years is adequate time I think, to decide if you’re going to propose. I am younger, we are in our 20’s and going on 3 years of dating. No ring yet. But there is definitely a timeline, we WILL be getting married in 2013 and getting a home in 2015. We already live together but we live in a new city by ourselves so kinda not the same thing. Point being, I think you need to have a serious discussion about where things are going? If you are happy and he is happy then why not get engaged? ya know? 🙂